I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Chapter 14]

In Friday’s dream Mikhael gave me a little oil lamp, red, like the one I used (one of them) as model to paint Iesu Amor’s lamp. The difference between the two lamps is that this one was a lot smaller than the one I used.

It is exactly like these lamps

It is a beautiful lamp, I said… for what it is for, does it actually illuminate?

Mikhael smiled as the lamp begun to radiate light.

How did you light iy up?, I asked curiously

It wasn’t me, it’s the Holy Spirit. Its a mistery, the same mistery that brings new life into this world… but it needs your help to get lit, usually. Iesu Amor is an exception. In ordinary circumstances there is a woman and a man litting the lamp of new life, along the Holy Spirit action.

He winked at me: this is an exception…

How beautiful it glows, being so small…

All lives are beautiful since the very first instant of being conceived, and are worthy of rights since the very first moment…

Do you know what is this now?— Mikhael asked

A lamp… well, a mini lamp…

It is a lamp, filled with flamming Holy Spirit oil, but it is more than that… it is an ark of the covenant. Your charity alliance sparks in that fire, because it brings new life with the help of the Holy Spirit’s action, making spark more anr more new life that grows in communion since the very first intant of life, sparking with the dignity of humanity since the very first instant of life…

It is SO important to make an New Life Research Hospital to study how to help to grow best the most little ones… but you are all called as Christians to affirm the dignity of life, the dignity of this lamp, in all life stages, since conception to natural death…

The lamp kept shinninh beautifully

The mistery of new life is beautiful, Mikhael said. It is the mistery of the Holy Spirit’s action.

You need to teach your students the beautiful joy of new life and the dignity of every life since conception… human rights and fraternal rights belong to all, from conception to natural death…

So, this would be a kind of dignity beacon?

Sort of, yes…— Mikhael said

The light of the Spirit keeps sparking as you choose to Love as you are called to love, helping to grow each other in communion, since conception to natural death, like the Holy Family of New Albor does, helping to create a society where each light, were each life, can spark beautifully and amazingly bright.

The light of the Spirit keeps sparking as you choose to let your hearts be formed as custodians of the ark of the covenant that grows in your hearts, forming His heart as you let the Spirit act in you… (he looked at me) in a very deep and powerful way that transformed your life forever (he made a simple reverence with his heart to me, the same you would do when you pass by an altar)

Why you do that?

I am revering the life that has grown and will keep growing in you, princess of Heaven, Alma Mía. This Fiat Amor goes on a on…

He smiled at me tenderly…

So, you need to paint small lamps with your students.

How do you paint lamps?

The same way you paint cafeteras (I have seen people in schools and Chris painting cafeteras, but I have no idea what kind of painting they use. It is metal, I never paint metal, usually).

We are going to paint out little lamp in a very simple but powerful way, star of Heaven. We are going to splash it with silver, gold and metallic orange colors: unity of being and act, of words and works, of hands and hearts… a unity that only the Holy Spirit can make posible.

He handed me the wood domestic chalice and the art palette pattent, with a brush.

There you have it, splash it.

I put the brush inside the wood domestic chalice and everytime I put the brush inside there was “new wine paint” of a different color. The lamp ended very beautiful with splashes of the three colors. The splashes where done in the same way a priest would sprinkle (asperjar) blessed water to the people of God when they do that in mass.

The lamp was very well lit, but sparkled more.

Every light matters, no matter how small. Every dignity matters, not matter how small. Every person matters, no matter how small… simply, let yourself be known by the Holy Spirit, creating home, Church and Humanity that grows in more and more communion, giving everything to live the joy of creating family according to His plan, human, sacramental and civil family that gives everything to help to be, to help to do, to help to grow, to help to glow and to helpt to bloom as the living Eucharist you are called to be, as the living ark of covenant you are called to form as you become custodians of the new life that the Holy Spirit brings… becoming the living and pleasant offering you are called to be as you create home that creates Heaven, that creates living Eucharist, embracing His heart as you form it in You, embracing new life from the heart, since the first beating that only you can know in the Spirit, incarnating the new albor yes you are called to incarnate in unity to His heart, forming His heart in such way you both beat as one heart…

In last night’s dream Mikhael and I where in the beach when a white dove fluttered around us.

The dove layed herself in my hands… and Mikhael smiled.

—Do you receive the action of the Holy Spirit, beloved Alma Mía?

I made a small reverence to the very white dove with a tender smile

—Fiat mihi secundum caritatis tuam…

I felt a tender warmth in the heart, as I have felt many times during these years… but this one was especially tender. The dove glowed, and my charity alliance too…

-This is the way of building a society of new life, a culture of new life, Alma Mía, Princess of Heaven: letting the Spirit act in you, letting Jesus Charity’s heart beat in you… so you let His gifts cultivate more and more new life… and you know… when you life by Love, you are letting the Spirit act… everyone who let himself or herself be moved by Love acts in the Spirit’s power, even if they don’t know the Holy Spirit… the Holy Spirit keeps roaming the earth as a New Pentecost, generating more and more new life with this alliance of charity, generating more and more culture of new life, culture of love, culture of new fraternization with His gifts… generating more and more new civilization of Love as you don’t keep His Love to yourself but keep giving it more and more and more… because as much Love you give, as much Love you will grow in you, and more and more Love will grow where you are, creating then more and more culture of new life where everyone, no matter how small, can keep growing and become the best person you can be… becoming together the living gift of the Spirit you are called to be… as you let the Spirit roam free…

He looked at the dove in my hands.

Let it roam free, Star of Heaven. Let it act free as God Love wishes…

I let the dove fly free again, elevating my hands and letting the dove fly again… and as I did that I felt again a very tender warmth in my heart, and it was so tender it burned, in a good way, as my alliance of charity have been fired before, and was firing right now…

Mikhael smiled once again…

—Do you know what is that, Victoria?

I had no word to say, I was simply burning in Love. In Spanish: un Amor que abrasa y abraza. That is the way to describe it: a Love that abraza (charity alliance) and abrasa (burning warmth).

—That is the stigma of the Heart. When you share heart with Jesus as His mother you share His stigma of the Heart too… your hungry of Love will only ease as you Love as He loves… and you can ask that to the Blessed Holy Family of the New Albor… they both know about that estigma del corazón whose burning really moves you to Love as He loves, to incarnate His living Eucharist as you give yourself more and more deeply as He gives himself to the whole humanity…

My heart burned intensely and my alliance of charity too…

Mikhael kept smiling tendenrly…

—And you know how you ease the burn…

I joked a little bit

—I guess this doesn work like the heartburn, that eases with Peptobismol…

We both laughed and cried of joy at the same time…

—No, this doesn’t work this way. This heartburn eases as you see in your brothers and sisters the eyes of Jesus, and help them grow as Jesus would grow and calls humanity to grow: in more and more communion, as the light you are all called to be, as the living gift you are called to be… as transconsecrated hearts…

The dove flew above us and my heart burned againg along my alliance… I simply wanted to hug Jesus, but he wasn’t there as person…

—You can hug me…— Mikhael said

I did, and I simply radiated light along Him…

—You can always hug me, I will always be here…

My heart and my alliance felt the tender warmth again…

We keep hugging…

—So, how we are going to radiate this light to your brothers and sisters, so they can see God’s Love and grow as you are all called to grow: in more and more communion?

—You know, I am simply enjoying the moment… I have no words…

—I will help you. Look at the beach. What do you see there, Victoria?

I saw light in the sand, a beautiful and blinding light that didn’t let me see what was under the light.

—This light, Victoria, is the victory over darkness, over hate, over all cults to death that doesn’t let a culture of new life grow, that doesn’t let every human being, every brother and sister, to be, do, act, glow and bloom as the light you are all called to be. The light ot Love is the light that overcomes all. The light of Love is the light that overcomes. The light of Love is the light that raise you all up as the culture of new life you are called to be, transforming everything into radiation of new that grows in communion. This is the fire of the Spirit that unites you all as the human family you are meant to be, as the people-family of the new albor you are meant to be as you give light to Jesus Charity with the action of the Holy Spirit in you, giving also light to the Word, giving light also to a new era of new fraternization, a new era in which you realize that you are all brothers and sisters called to grow together in communion, being together the simphony of light you are called to be as you walk together as the family of Love you are called to be in the Spirit.

[The mistery in His words was more deep than what I am able to express].

Mikhael gave me a wood domestic chalice and an art palete paten. It was full of the rainbow colors, and also silver, gold and metallic orange.

—You will need this, Victoria…

The light began to fade and it showed what was underneath…

There were many white lanterns to throw to the sky. Like these ones’s style.

—How many are there? I asked Mikhael.

He smiled.

—Technically, there should be a lamp per each human being in this earth that chooses to be “us”, to be part of the unity that makes us all brothers and sisters of the same human family of Love… but because we can’t paint that amount of lamps… we are only going to paint 21, as a sign.

—Why 21 lamps?

Mikhael smiled widely

—The 21 works of mercy, including the social works of mercy. As you choose to be compassive and mercyful, you radiate such a light that radiates everywere new life that grows in more and more communion… and that is how humanity grows as the family of brothers and sisters you are called to be in the unity of the Spirit. You need to splash/transconsecrate those 21 lamps with vivid colors and the unity in the Spirit colors (gold, silver, metallic orange)… so here you have the chalice and the art palete paten…

The white dove flattered again around and above us…

—and there you have the Holy Spirit action, because no victory over cult of death is impossible to God. No victory over hate is impossible to God. No converssion is impossible to God if you choose to let the Spirit act in you, so you can become the light you are called to be together, growing together in more and more communion, in more and more culture of new life that cultivates more and more life that grows in communion, incarnating Jesus Charity’s vision as you see His eyes in the brothers and sisters you are called to help to grow in communion, letting new life bloom more and more…

I began to transconsectrate the lamps with more and more “new wine”… using each color wixed with the blessings in the chalice…

—as you let you raise up as you are meant to raise up from sin, from death, from darkness, from misery, from slavery, from colonization and any kind of defraternization and dehumanization, from any kinf of hate and division… to glorify God with your light, with your new life that grows in more and more communion, becoming together in unity the best persons you can be, the new light you are called to be, the radiation of His new albor of salvation you are called to be…

I transconsectrated the 21 lamps and we raised them up together as the dove flattered above us and fired up the candles in the lamps. I have never seen a real lamp of these, but the candles we use in the dream where tie die swirled tea light candles (the very small candles that are usually white, you use in incense/essential oil warmers).

Mikhael winked at me when I saw the lamps:

-they are fired by the Holy Spirit, and they are swirled because they fly in direction communion, as you walk in direction communion as we are raised up as people-family of the new albor, as Kingdom of New Albor…

As you can see in Amazon, nobody makes tea light candles in white color with swirls of other mixed colors. That doesn’t exist.

While the lamps began to ascend, Mikhael explained me that what I need to add today in the Amazon wishlist for my students is white lamp paper lanters (now I know they are known as chinese paper lanterns) and the candles to raise the lamps in the very same they are meant to be raised by the Spirit: as we become together the light we are meant to be letting the Spirit act in us. Well, I will need another kind of candles (if those are the candles that the chinese lamps use, I will need a search in Google). I need to teach my students to let themselves to be raised as they let the Spirit act in them freely, embracing the everlasting creative freedom of the Spirit that doesn’t stop to act in this new Pentecost.

I had no probs finding the lamps, but as I just said, there are no swirled tea light candles. I will need to simply choose mixed colors… or kits to make tealight candles homemade. We will see.

As we discussed this, suddenly, there were a TON more of lights raised in the sky.

I looked amazed: From where all these new lights came from?

Mikhael smiled at the Dove: God Love did it. As one light shines, other shine, and other shine, and other shine… and suddenly you got a whole Kindgom of New Albor…

[The new albor in the horizon shone in very vivid orange and yellow, with pink sparks… but as the lamos got higher, into the blue zone of the horizon, they shone very brightly, as the family of stars and the moon-living Eucharist in the sky…]

So… do you want to see the lanterns better in the fishing boat?

I smiled: of course, lets go to an adventure, as Jesus Charity taught us…

We went to the boat to see the beatiful lights… any similarity with the movie Tangled is a simple coincidence 😂 It was kinda that way, without the kissing scene and with a net of incarnated charity apostolate in the boat.

Mikhael smiled: lets dance a new song, beautiful Victory of Heavens… Victory of New Albor…

And there, in he boat, surrounded by lights, with the Dove flying around, we danced His new song, Josh Groban style

When We are down and, oh my soul, so weary

When troubles come and our heart burdened be

Then, we are still and wait here in the silence

Until You come and sit awhile with us

You raise us up, so we can stand on mountains

You raise us up, to walk on stormy seas

We are strong, when we are on your shoulders

You raise us up to more than we can be.

You raise us up, so we can stand on mountains

You raise us up, to walk on stormy seas

We are strong, when we are on your shoulders

You raise us up to more than we can be.

You raise us up, so we can stand on mountains

You raise us up, to walk on stormy seas

We are strong, when we are on your shoulders

You raise us up to more than we can be.

You raise us up, so we can stand on mountains

You raise us up, to walk on stormy seas

We are strong, when we are on your shoulders

You raise us up to more than we can be.

You raise us up to more than we can be.

[If you want to hear the original song, sang by its original author, Josh Groban, you can hear it here:]

Everything was, together along the action of the Spirit a beautiful simphony of light.

—My beloved Victoria of the New Albor, let yourself be raised as you are meant to be raised— Mikhael whispered as we keep dancing hugging…

—Fiat mihi caritatis tuam… we are family, we are Church, we are mission, we are light… we are brothers, we are humanity, we are mission, we are light…— I whispered back

—Be the light you are meant to be and you will fire the world with God’s Love. Be the saint you are meant to be and you will fire the world with God’s light that shines upon us right now…

The boat keep navigating among lights, sent to more and more deeper waters, sent to more and more deep mistery as we created more and more home, Church and humanity that created more and more Heaven, more and more living Eucharist, more and more living mercy, more and more living mandatum novum…

Mikhael pronounced these words and hugged me very tenderly, but the blessing didn’t came from him, but from the new albor in the horizon, that shone upon us blindly, in very vivid yellow and orange as my new albor eyes glowed beautifully and also very vividly and the beacon-cross of the rosary also glowed very vividl…

The LORD bless you and keep you!

The LORD let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you!

The LORD look upon you kindly and give you peace!”

And so I woke up… Remember: the new albor means salvation, it is not only a sunrise, it is the new albor of His salvation, of His new life that grows in communion…

It was a very tender, luminous dream. 🙂

Yesterday I had no time to read I Never Knew I Had a Choice because I went to hang out with other teachers, so I will do it today. I think we are in chapter 14, that is about personal growth.

There is not a better “personal grower” than the Holy Spirit, as you may have seen in the dream. We are in His time, and He is who, though the sacraments, help us to keep growing more, more and more, becoming the living sacraments of Love we are called to be, plasmating the whole personal formation as the living icon of God-Love-with-us we are called to be. As a matter of fact, “help to grow” in the integractive personal formation model is the personal formation process that belongs to the Holy Spirit.

I searched Google about how paper lanterns work. They do work with candles, but they can also work with paraffin. Imagine a sky like that, but a sunrise, a new albor sunrise. 🙂

After all this being said, lets go now to chapter 14 of the book I Never Knew I Had a Choice. Let’s keep choosing to be a light, like a new albor lantern in the sky. ☺️ Here are the photos of the pages I commented/marked.

So, as you can see, I just read chapter 14, the last chapter of the book: Pathways to Personal Growth. It was surprisingly short, compared with other chapters. The author says it means to be a “summarizing chapter” but it is not so summarizing at all for me: it deals with topics not dealt before, like the beautifully written topic of dreams.

The author does propose several pathways for personal growth. My favorite? Of course, journaling writing. As a matter of fact (or I should say “as a matter of dream” 😊?) Mikhael told me, among those casual comments I don’t always write: “don’t ever stop writing”. That was my childhood dream: become a writer. I never ever imagined personal growth writing (or personal growth journaling) could be a literary genre by itself, as it is with me. I am awesome with personal growth journaling, I am a personal growth author. 😊 I loved the phrase “Growth have no small steps”. I can paraphrase that quote: “Growth has no small heart beats”. Like Dr. Seuss says: A person is a person, no matter how small.

I expected in this chapter a definition of personal growth. I didn’t found it. However, the chapter’s description of dreams as a pathway of growth is accurate… and outstanding in my circumstances. I am who I am thanks to the guardian angel, the Jesus Charity and the Holy Family of the New Albor I have met in dreams, awake and asleep. I am who I am thanks to how I have met myself through their creating-home sparkled eyes. My life wouldn’t be the same without them, quite literally. I wouldn’t be alive without them. Its like Rose, in the extended Carpathia scene, when she is told that nobody knew about Jack, that there were no records about him… and Rose says: “Now you know that there was a Jack Dawson, and that he saved me, in every way a person can be saved”. This is me, but sharing the Jesus Charity I have met in dreams: Now you know there is a Christ Love, and that He saved me, in every way a person can be saved…

You can see the Carpathia Extended Scene Here:

What I love most about this scene is how Rose’s identity changes after Jack giving his life to save her. The same happens to me: these dreams, how Jesus Charity has saved me, has changed my identity. Mi new name is Victoria of New Albor, Victoria Magdaluz Veragoeiz, as Mikael called me last night. You simply can’t remain the same after certain things happen, and yes, Jesus Charity, His Love, has changed my life, my identity, who I am, how I live, now and forever. I will never stop walking as He walked (that is the tittle of the theology of light’s text). You simply can’t avoid to grow and to change after you met such a beautiful Love. Its like a butterfly: you find your wings to fly as high as you never believed possible to reach.

“Our dreams can provide us with a path toward greater understanding of ourselves and our relationship with others… Dreams are not mysterious, they are avenues to self-understanding… the dream is the most spontaneous expression of the existence of the human being… dreams are full of symbols… dreams are a rich source of meaning… to better design a personal vision for your future, we encourage you to dream when you are awake as well when you are asleep… if you reflect thoughtfully on the messages in your dreams, a range of choices will unfold for you… dare to dream, and then have the courage to follow your passions.” All these are quotes of this chapter I feel deeply identified with.

Dare to dream. As Laura Pausini sings: dare to dream until the very last.

[You can see that song here, is a duet with Andrea Bocelli]

That is my life. I keep choosing to dare to dream, to dare to love, until the very last. I know I can be killed, by toxic gassing or any other method my progenitors fabricate, at any moment, like the Ulma family was martyrized by the Nazis (I have dared to dream today and asked their intercession for having a biological child, with all the impossible things that implies for someone of my age and circumstances). I still choose to dare to dream with the society Jesus Charity call us to become: a people-family of the new albor in which everyone walks as the brother and sister we are all called to be, as the light we are all called to be, a beautiful and unique light in the sky, a lantern that radiates a light that no other lantern will ever be able to radiate.

We can say it in other terms, as Jesus Charity has done: dare to help to dream… dare to dream together with a world were everyone, from the smallest, can become the light we are all called to be, the best person we can be, the best humanity we can be, walking together as the family of light we are called to be, as the humanity of Love we are called to be, creating a progress in which everyone can have opportunities of growth that lead to plenitude, to communion, to joy, and for those who are Christian, to holiness.

So… lets keep daring to dream, but dreaming together, like the change in the lyrics of “You raise us up” implies. Let God Love raise us up with His dream: becoming together the people-family of new albor we are called to be, the state of new albor we are called to be, the nation of new albor we are called to be… the kingdom of new albor we are called to be.

Let’s dare to dream, together with Jesus Charity, until forever: You raise us up…

Jesus Charity, we adore you with our whole growth.

I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Chapter 13]

Last night dream with Mikhael was quite joyful… quite literally.

We were in the beach, laughing and sharing prayers… and then he smiled in the way he smiles when I know he is going to say something deep…

—This is how you are meant to give witness of the Gospel, Princess of Heaven… You, living Church, are called to give a witness of joy in the middle of the darkness, you are called to be a witness of joy: I have meet Him, I share with Him everyday, and I can’t avoid to share the joy of growing together in communion… and joy begins with the Gospel, living the gospel, starting your day with the daily Gospel and then sharing it through the day…

I smiled at him: that is a direct order?

He smiled widely: yes. Just for today. I know you like to wait to the end of the day… noy today. Today, start in the morning. And make the purpose of deliberately sharing something about today’s gospel to your students… but don’t do it in the way of saying: do you know that the Gospel says that… no, share it by living, share it with joy, share it with wonder, with living testimony of how your life is called to be a testimony of joy, a testimony of a shared life in His Love…

Do it as you start to work. And meditate actively how you are going to incarnate that Gospel as you teach your students, sharing the Good News as the apostles did it in the first times, following the style of the new Christians who had literal domestic Churches to incarnate the Eucharist and the Church was a beating Church: it was where they were, there were no buildings yet… be like a first Christian, even in martyrdom. There was no bigger joy to the first Christians than to give their lives for Christ…

Give your life for Chirst, my beloved, but in a charity martyrdom, choosing to share His open Heart as you choose to give everything to help to be, to do, to grow, to glow and to bloom according to His heart… literally building a beating Church (una Iglesia palpitante), literally sharing… and incarnated Gospel with a testimony of joy and wonder, letting His mercy seen with works of mercy, with works of Love, with works of light, radiating more and more His new albor as He calls you to do it, creating home in a way that is creating Church, creating more and more communion as you share His new life with more and more joyful testimony of faith, hope and charity…

So —Mikhael asked— lets say you are going to share the Gospel today incarnated with the same joy than Jesus when He made the multiplication of bread and fishes.

What you would multiply to share the Gospel?

I am not good at maths. 😁


I would multiply Love…

But how do your students understand Love? What would you multiply for them?

Well… besides multiplying fun in the classes (I can play bingo with them today)…

What else can you multiply that would be equal to bread and fishes to them, something edible?

I knew what He meant… and an idea came to my mind.

I can multiply popcorn, they love it, they don’t stop eating it, they eat, and eat, and eat popcorn…

Mikhael smiled widely…

That is how you share the Gospel, incarnating it with joy… and living charity, living Love as incarnated works of Love and mercy. Yes, popcorn, tons of popcorn, is a good “bread and fishes” to share with your students, add it to the Amazon wishlist.

I already added popcorn.

Add more, princess of Heaven, add more… that is a good example of living charity in a way that you multiply bread and fishes today: you satisfy their hunger of learning (they learn English with the movies they see with the popcorn), and you satisfy their hunger of the living Word and God’s Love as you teach the Gospel incarnated…

So be it. Let there be… popcorn.

Of all flavors possible. Like the Gospel: flavored for all good hearts, flavored for all good palates. 😁

Mikhael smiled again:

You are called to be a charity influencer, like the first Chirstians, changing the world and changing the vision of those you radiate with God’s Love light as you live more and more charity, as you incarnate more and more God’s Love here and now, showing to your brothers and sisters His love made visible with concrete works that inspire a society where everyone can grow as an equal brother and sister, all worthy of be loved and of knowing Love, all worthy of be known as God loves them, to be known as Jesus himself is known by the Father in the Spirit, to be known as the Father is known by the Son in the Spirit… incarnating the communion if the Trinity as a family that is called to create home, Church and humanity as creating Heaven, as creating Eucharist…

The dream finished with the mandatum novum and a hug of light, like a living phascal light (it was like yellow), full of the flammming Holy Spirit fire…

This is the meditation of today’s Gospel that Mikhael asked me to do in the morning, beginning the day. I haven’t read the Golpel but the meditation if the Gospel, we must have a faith that is congruent, in words and work, leaving al infidelity behind, especially the infidelity caused by pragmatic perpectives, giving the witness you are expected to give: a joyful witness, a witness of light, always being congruent between what we say and what we do, deepeing the love of God in us, transmiting it to others… making the Gospel action searching for ocassions in which we can give testimony in the simple things of the day: bless my students in silence, give thanks to a coworker, pray in silence, offering everything to Him with joy, working the best we can with joy, working in a way that these students can see your Love in our joy, even if we don’t say the word God, living the Gospel incarnated…

[Mikhael smiles… well done….]

This is the text I used for that meditation, it is from the Archidiocese of San Juan.

Its 1:15 pm. My PreK/K students are deeply asleep. I am walking among them. As you may notice, they love unicorns. The three of them have unicorns.

I bought a unicorn hat only to give class to this group. For me that is charity influencing, because with my gesture I am showing them how much God loves them.

[I had been told that tomorrow I will have the visit of a coach, en educational coach of elementary school, in my classroom. I just hope that the coach knows how to appreciate creativity and “charity influencing” in a classroom]. 🙂

The topic of chapter 13 is meaning. So, what is for me meaning? Well, this, what I am doing in the classroom right no, literally walking among students, walking like He walked, living the Gospel as incarnated Word, being an evangelizer, a charity influencer first of all in the ordinary life, inspiring God’s dreams to my students, inspiring them to be better, inspiring them to become the best person they can be and giving them growth choices so they can become the best person they can be. I am right now walking among dreaming students, praying for those dreams, that they are brilliant and holy dreams that become true, so they can learn to be known for how much they love, as Jesus is known by the Father in the Spirit…

A meaningul life for me is a life with a purpose that doesn’t serve only you, but that serves God, your family and also your comunity. It is a life in which there is unity ot being and act, of word and works, of heart and hands, a unity that can only be achieved living a livefull life in the Spirit. A meaningful life is a fulfilling life, full of wonder and awe upon the works of God Love in us.

That being said, now I share the pages of chapter 13 that I marked/commented

A final comment about chapter 13 now that I have read it.

As an innate thinker (I love to think and to reflect, and this since very child, I literally robbed books to think since about first grade, the library was not supossed to be open for us) I passionately love the topics of this chapter, I am grateful that they had been presented in an non-ideological way. I do believe in the equality of genders (you may have seen I put a 5 in the premise that said a child should be raised by the mother during the first year: this is biologically accurate, a baby is better with the mother, but it should not be seen as a defience to equality between genders, there is complementariety in genders too) although I don’t believe in feminism due being extremely ideological. May be I should say it in other way: I believe in Edith Stein’s feminist style.

Reading about the Holocaust survivors was really helpful. I do agree. Hatred is not healthy, helpful… its like a post-homous victory to evil. We are called to love and forgiveness, not hatred.

Dalai Lama’s characteristics of religions where quite helpful too. There is some universality in all religions, you can see that there. I do agree with the premise that religions have in common a call to action. In the Catholic Church, it is both a call to personal conversion, a call to evangelize and a call to serve others. We can’t leave society as it is if we can help it to become more fraternizing, compoassive and luminous.

I would deeply love make the philosophy of life essay. I will do it during Holy Week (I don’t have work during Holy Week) and share it during the Liturgy of Light. It will be an awesome and deeply personal project to complete. I have done a philosophy of teaching and have attempted to do a philosophy of education, but I had never thought about doing a philosophy of life. That can be a whole college coure to take, you know, it is an amazing way to apply philosophy to daily life. 🙂 That was one of my problems with philosophy, it was too abstract, it needs to help you think better. A philosophy of life would help you to think better about how you life now and also how you are called to live, if changes are needed to become the person you are called/want to be. 🙂

These are topics very dear to my prayer, mind and heart, of course.

Expect the essay during the liturgy of light of this Easter. 😁

I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Chapters 10, 11 and 12]

In last night dream Mikhael asked me to gather all the art works we have done in the last days: the hands, the sparkling New Albor Holy family and the painted art palette. Then he said me with a wide smile: they alll need a final touch… splashes of metallic orange, splashes of flamming Holy Spirit that grows in more and more communion… I agreed, of course. As we were splashing them with metallic orange, he explained that all those works were a beautiful testimony of God Love-with-us, and that we are called to give testimony of God-Love incarnated with even bigger works… because we, people of God, are like goldfishes.

I smiled. I knew what he meant. You need to see the movie Big Fish to understand him. Please see the scene of the goldfish: the goldfishes grow ws big as the tank you place them. Please see the next scene of Big Fis to understand better what Mikhael meant.

Mikhael took a beautiful flamming Holy Spirit goldfish (an orange goldfish, like the painting we were using) and said: you know, the Holy Spirit is free, and you, people of the new albor, are called to be free as the Holy Spirit, roaming… in a way bigger… erm… “tank”. If you wanna call it “tank”, I mean…

I smiled. I had no idea what he meant, but he was being so joyful I couldn’t stop smiling.

Then I knew what he meant: he took the goldfish and threw him into the sea from the bowl as he blessed the fish, but couldn’t end the blessing due my scream.

I screamed: you are going to KILL the goldfish! They are sweet water fishes, you threw him into SALT water…

He smiled again… You know, like it happens in Big Fish (the movie), this is a sign… this goldfish is created for the freedom of the Holy Spirit. These waters are reborn water: you, people of the new albor, are reborn in the flamming Holy Spirit giftedness of new life that grows in communion… Don’t be scared of the freedom of the Spirit, that can perfectly can make a goldfish swim in the sea if he wants to, and He wants to this time… but for your students, give them fish tanks, decent fish tanks for big orange goldfishes, so they can remember the freedom of the Spirit, and make them create an ocean wallpaper for the fish tank, you know, starry night style, but a whole ocean… so they can see how they are called to abolish anything that stops them growing as the Holy Spirit calls them to grow: as saints, as beacons that radiate living Eucharist, as stars of heaven, as the living sacramental family you are called to be (not slaves), as living seeds of charity that brings new life in the Spirit, as the the best person you can be, growing as wonderful works of Love, big works of Love, bigger and bigger works of Love as you keep growing in more and more communion, as you are called by the Spirit to be, do, grow, glow and gloom… always keep growing in communion!

I smiled… and looked at him very sincerely: the goldfish may be a little scared of such a big “new tank”, you know…

He caressed my cheek tenderly (Él acarició my mejilla con ternura)… “Don’t be, my darling, my beautiful princess of Heaven…”

As he did that, I felt warmth in my eyes. I looked at my face in the reflection of his eyes: now I had metallic orange in the eyes too. The orange I used as eyeshadow was not metallic… now I had both metallic and non-metallic, besides the pink I got new on Sunday.

“Never be afraid of the freedom of the Holy Spirit, that acts as He likes, when He likes, how He likes, with whom He likes, where He likes…”

We created an ocean “starry night” wallpaper for a quite big fish tank, it would be a good school pet tank, but each classroom should have a smaller goldfish tank remembering the freedom of thr Spirit, and the kids are the ones who are meant to care for the fish… Mikhael mentioned that most live on earth is on the oceans, we must care them, but I have no idea if that is a fact or a… “sign”, because then he said the life of the Church is in the Holy Spirit, “this is an ocean of grace, this is the time of the Spirit, may the waters keep flowing, may the blessings keep flowing, may new life keep growing and glowing and blooming…”

So, today’s question of Mikhael is: how to you become the bigger work of Love you are called to be —bigger and bigger living work of Love— to give witness of God-Love-with-us, of how He is Jesus Charity that makes all things anew?

The dream ended with Mikhael hugging me and blessing me tenderly:

The LORD bless you and keep you!

The LORD let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you!

The LORD look upon you kindly and give you peace!

Then, after I woke up, I added to the Amazon wishlist as many goldfish tanks I could find for my students. I actually have no idea if Mikhael’s idea of painting a fish tank wallpaper is possible, but I will see is there is a kit to paint a watertank wallpaper, as he suggested me to search.

Well, this is tonight’s dream. 🙂 God love us, that will never change, and He want us to grow (well, to swim) in the freedom of the Spirit…

Today in Puerto Rico it is celebrated the day of the abolition of slavery. You may have not noticed the detail that reveals the celebration of the abolition of slavery because I haven’t mentioned it: well, the fish “bowl” where the goldfish was before being thrown to the sea was exactly like this glass bowl my progenitors put in the kitchen yesterday. The bowl is clearly not a fish bowl because fish bowls doesn’t have curves, but Mikhael used it as a “sign” and had the goldfish there before throwing it to the “bigger fish tank” (the sea, the sacramental waters of the Holy Spirit).

By the way… talking about the brothers progenitors… Yesterday I went to make me blood labs in the morning because I had them pending from Monday. That means: they knew I was going to get blood labs, so they should have cared of NOT gassing the air on Monday night, because it would be seen in my blood at yesterday morning blood sample. Well, they clearly didn’t cared. On Monday night I could barely sleep due the toxic gassing, the dogs vomited, had evacuations and also peed. I also peed. Both pees were very transparent.

These are the results of yesterday’s labs. The CO2 levels are clear: they were using CO2 in the room… but I have my reasons to believe CO2 is not the only thing they use.

For those who doesn’t know what that lab result means: when CO2 (Carbon Dioxide) levels are low, that means you had been breathing high amounts of CO2 during the last hours. They didn’t care, they knew I was going to make me blood labs and they tortured me anyways, without caring that it would be seen in the labs next morning. So, they want me to believe is CO2 what they are using, but, as I said, I have my reasons to believe CO2 is not the only toxic gas they had been using here.

I keep forgiving them, because I am no hate’s land. I refuse to answer hate with hate, violence with violence, blood with blood, abuse with abuse, slavery with more slavery. I choose to live the freedom of the Spirit, even if I remain a social slave by force. Someone has to stop the hate, and that is a very broad goal. I don’t only mean the hate here: I also mean the hate to a black brother, the hate to a inmigrant, the hate to a person who has homosexual tendencies, a poor person… someone has to forgive and stop the hate in our nation.

You know from there “No hate’s land” concept comes from? From Wonder Woman defeating the Nazis. I am not kidding. You can see the soundtrack song here. I paraphrased it, as you can see.

The fact is that anyone who choose to hate perpetuates the extreme darkness seen in times of nazism, and that has to stop. We need a new era of new fraternization, leaving all kinds of colonization (including ideological colonizations) and slaveries behind. We are brothers. We can’t allow hate roaming in our hearts, nor in our nation.

The scene where you can hear this song is very elocuent. See the movie, you will understand what I mean: there is no hate impossible to conquer, to overcome with light and Love. Here you have the scene:

We are No Hate’s Land, people of the new albor. We won’t allow hate roaming in our lands…

Now, about the book I am reading and commenting… I will complete three chapters of the book I Never Knew I Had a Choice today because I don’t have work to do (it is a holiday in Puerto Rico).

The chapers that I will complete today are

Chapter 10: Work and Recreation

Chapter 11: Loneliness and Solitude

Chapter 12: Death and Loss

Because this will be a very long post, I will complete it in parts during the day. I am going to publish this now, at around 9 am, and as I finish each chapter I will be adding them to this post

By the way, today is international day of water… just saying. 😂 I can’t bathe nor drink water in real life, but I do bathe with living water and drink living water in my dreams. Let’s care for the oceans, as Mik said, and all kinds of water.

Just to compliment what I had been sharing, I just saw a memory in my facebook of a beautiful poster I made. I still have the poster in my classroom. Victory over hate is possible. We are all called to embrace the victory of Love. There is nothing impossible to God Love-with-us.

The prhase is a quote of the short I use to start all my classes: The Butterfly Circus. You can see the short here:

Well, now let’s begin with chapter 10. Lets choose to radiate light.

Chapter 10 is about Work and Recreation. Before sharing the photos all of the pages I commented/marked, I will share a broad comment about both topics.

I remember going to Alabama to see a friend at that moment. I bought a sign that said: don’t live to work, work to live. In this house I got two extremes: a progenitor male who never had a stable work (or so I though: now we know there had been another kind of “bussinesses” around this house for a while, related to narcotraffic) and a progenitor female who was NEVER in the house avaiable for her daughters. Well, my progenitor female took the sign I bought, without asking me, and put it in her desk. That was the narcissistic abuse already manifestig in plain sight: she was mimicking me with my own objects and values of life that she never lived. She was literally never home except for eating and do chores. We never had leisure time together. I mean, never. Sometimes we would go shopping, or to movies, in very exceptional occasions, but always thinking about how much money it costed. The word “enjoy communion” here had always been absent. I didn’t learned that from them, to enjoy ourselves, to enjoy life… and to enjoy work. For my progenitor, work was a duty, not an enjoyment, although she worked in a company (Pfizer) with way greater employee benefits than average. As a matter of fact, there had been quite an obsession in my family with what you are ought to do, without any mention to what you are CALLED to become. Example: I have cousins that were not given career choices: my aunt chose their careers according to what they were OUGHT to do.

I am the only one in the family who chose humanities as career major, after quite a struggle with my progenitors who didn’t liked it. As a matter of fact, I am the only reader in the family too, and I am the only creative artist too, and this since being a very young child. Even in this, in career skills and inclinations, I had always been different to my whole family, and I have a minimum of 20 cousins per each side.

If you ask yourselfes what I have asked myself several times while growing up: yes, they do are my biological progenitors. Our blood types match (I knew that at 17) and there are pregnancy/hospital pictures of my birth. I am not a kidnapped baby.

I do believe in enjoy work and choosing a work that helps you serve and grow. I am the only one in the family who have thought so.

That being said, lets share the pictures of chapter 10 before sharing a concluding thought

Here is the concluding comment about this chapter: as I mentioned in the conclusion, work is santifying, it santifyes you as you work if you offert it to God as a living work of Love. For me, working is not only a contribution to society and a way to sustain myself and my family (my dogs) partially (I have never had a work that allowed me to fully sustain myself economically) but also a growing path to personal sanctification. If a work doesn’t help me to santification, for me it wouldn’t be a worthy work.

I also mention in the last page that I would have loved to have more resources available to choose careers. I don’t regret choosing humanities or education, I love them both, but the career I would have ended up if properly oriented about my strenghts would probably be psychology. I do remember that a problem with me when talking about these topics in school is that “I was good in many things” and had an awesome College Board score (College entrance test) so I could literally study anything non related to maths and chemistry, and that is a broad spectrum of choices. My first professional option was being a writter, but you can’t have an livable income as writer, so I wanted to combine that with giving classes at colllege level (being professor). I knew I needed a humanities degree to teach humanities writing classes and study until PhD… so I began with humanities major undergraduate studies. What I did was highly untraditional: I created my own BA in middle age studies, expecting to become a professor making a PhD in that… then I faced the fact I can’t learn latin, and you can’t be a medievalist without latin… but stuying interdisciplinary humanities have given me a broad view that I don’t regret. I would study interdisciplinary humanities again if given the choices… but with more awareness of my dilemmas with learning exceptionalities. That is somehing that students need to deal with when they choose careers: there are learning styles that are uncompatible with certain careers. Example: I can’t study medicine, I am to creative and visual for that, I am not a rote memorizer. Actually, the same happens in theology, but in theology there is another hardest obstacle: there are no woman studying theology, at least ecclesiastical… so nothing works for women there.

Despite my dilemas with both learning dissabilities and ideological issues (I studied humanities and education in a clearly lefttist faculty, me being considered “from the right”… but I am really hated by both right and left) I am very grateful of my interdisciplinary humanities degree and would recommend students to make it as a major with another “integractive discipline” like education. It gives you a unique view of the nature of the person along the disciplines and gives you valuable skills, especially in writing, artistic creativity and critical thinking. Interdisplinary humanities can be an awesome degree if you plan to study law too.

About leisure… a last comment before ending this section: I am the only person in the family that does projects, creative projects and intellectual projects like creating the theology of light, simply for leisure. As a matter of fact, none of my progenitors planned a project for their retirement. I enjoy using my leisure time for projects that help me grow as person. I don’t understand “leisure time” as time for doing nothing or for drinking and eating as much as you can, as my biological family does. Of course, they have never valued my projects schedules and time, they actually enjoy sabotaging my projects schedules and progress. Example: they hacked my computers and integrated grammar mistakes in my texts, or made the computers fail completely, even computers they themselves bought. While reading the chapter I remembered a “joke” my progenitors did: now that we are retired, we won’t have any person to supervise and administrate (my progenitor female was supervisor at Pfizer). Now I understand: their time at retirement is “administrating and supervising…” my existence as social slave. That’s one of the reasons they don’t have personal projects: administrating me and the tortures they make takes too much time. The other reason is also evident: they don’t care meaning. That is another very evident difference with me: I am the only one in the biological family who cares about meanings, to do what you mean and to live as you are meant to.

This would be the end of chapter 10. Now we go to chapter 11: Loneliness and Solitude.

Prior going to chapter 11, I want to share what happened when I went out of the room to let the doggies out and to look for food. Microwable food, I mean. I can’t have the luxury of cooking food when my progenitors are here, and they are everyday except Sundays and an ocasional Saturday.

I have created for them a “social abortion altar” where I put all the stuff they use for social psychoexplotation. I mean: the stuff they leave in spaces to force me see what they want me to see. They can be all kind of stuff, the house is full of them. There is not a single day in which they don’t leave something around. You heard it right: they ALWAYS have to leave something to exploit you socially, it is part of their cover narcissistic traits, a quite consistent one. When I worked in places where they collaborated with their explotation, the normal thing was that there would barely be objects of social exploitation in the house, because the social exploitation already happened at school/work. When I had no work, like in weekends, then the social exploitation would happen at home. Now that the work clearly doesn’t collaborate with them, its a normal job that obeys the laws, well, they do exploit me everyday at home with all kind of social exploitation objects. For them, I have to be exploited everyday, no exceptions, not even on Christmas, and especially no exceptions in my birthdays (they had hospitalized me by force on my birthday, of course) and in saint/Church feasts. Well, with a lot of good humor, I created a social abortion altar in the place they put the family pictures, there I put their social exploitation objects that are most meaningful… or fun. Is a macabre game: they know it is a social abortion altar, I have even mentioned it in social media and they have used social media to show it to a judge… and they also keep leaving stuff there.

Well, while I was out of the room I left their apple bowl in the social abortion altar, as a sign of how Mikhael transformed it and gave it a new meaning during last night dream. It is not the first time I do something like this. Here you can see the social abortion altar with the fish bowl.

What I had never noticed is that the blue envelope that is behind the statues of the Blessed Mother that they themselves have broken says my name with a heart. Sorry, can’t show the picture of the envelope, it came like this, it is something the hackers of my iPad love to do with my pictures.

The fact is that they stole one of the cards I have thrown in the trash (when they give money they give me a card, I take the money and trash the card, unread) and put it there, where they DO know it is a social abortion altar, and they even put a heart on it. They are literally and openly recognicing they are socially aborting me.

Yes, things get more hateful and macabre everyday here, but I keep choosing to be No Hate’s Land.

All right, let’s now begin with Chapter 11: Solitude and Loneliness.

As always, let’s begin with a general comment about the topic, prior sharing the pictures of the pages of the chapter I marked/commented.

As you can imagine after telling the experience of the social abortion altar, my life had been quite solitary, I had always been the different, even told I was the “rare”. This patter has repeated consistenly along my lofe: I am always the different. I am quite used to social isolation and to be solitary… but… then things get tricky: even knowing that I am completely alone where I am (and quite often I could be completely alone in a place full of physical people with which I had no meaningul connection) it is VERY RARE that I feel alone. Extremely rare. Why? Jesus and Mikhael, and the whole Holy Family of the New Albor.

Someone could say: she is always with the dogs, the dogs make her comany… I love my dogs, I truly do… and they do have accompained me through torture and very horrible situations. There was a time in which I only got out of the room once per week, to go to mass and buy 40 dollars of food for the whole week. My weight dropped to size 0 of clothing, from a size 18 I had been. But no matter how a little money I had, I always bought treats for Princess, the first dog I was given (they call her Princess to mimick how Mikhael and Jesus called me: princess of heaven). She stayed with me the whole time, with two briefs pauses to make pee and poo outside. I even designed toys for her… and I love them all, but they are no the only reason, nor the main reason, I feel accompained. The main reason it is very rare I feel alone is first Mikhael, then the sacraments, them Jesus, then the Holy Family of the New Albor. My spiritual life is my rock, socially speaking. There were times in which my only “conversation” was with the Bible, writing poems and praying. Truly, prayer can be very fulfilling and can make dissapear all kinds of loneliness and solitude, and even make you enjoy being alone and being who you are. I appreciate and even prioritize my prayer and solitude time with God. I have had every reason to feel alone, but, with very rare exceptions (yes, I do have cried due being socially alone and without no one to turn into to get out of here), I had always feel accompained by my Heavenly Family in my heart.

I wrote that comment without reading the chapter yet. Now let’s go into it. Here are the pages of chapter 11

A final comment about chapter 11. I don’t know how normal it is, but I technically don’t have “alone time”, even when I am physically alone: I am always with the Trinity, the Holy Family of the New Albor, the saints, Mikhael… but I do need “alone time” with them everyday. I literally need it to function. So, I wouldn’t technically do like Maya Angelou, taking a whole day per month to be alone: I would take a time period per day, lets say half an hour in the morning and in the afternoon, to be alone with God and my heavenly friends. Yes, I do need “alone time” with communion and prayer to be myself, to “connect” with who I am and who I am called to be. Of course, I don’t fear being alone, I enjoy it. What I do fear, sometimes, is to be independent: to not depend on no one, to live by my own, with my own money and without roomates, but that is because I have never done it. I had never been able to pay my expenses, all of them, with my own money, and to live with my own money. It is normal to fear the unknown.

Now, let’s go to chapter 12: Death and Loss.

I went out of the room again to make a pause for eat, bring the other doggie inside and for going again to the social abortion altar to take again the picture that was blurry last time. When I went outside the progenitor female was in the TV area of the first floor, right beside the kitchen. She knew I was there and didn’t spoke to me. She left the iPhone visible (that was the social exploitation object: it means they know what I do with my apple devices and hack them). I didn’t care she didn’t spoke me. I cooked the microwable burrito, took two cold drinks (a malta and a Gatorade), called the doggie that was outside, took the picture that I needed and went back to the room. No words were spoken. I forgot to mention: the “offerings” in the social abortion altar are “cult to death” (culto a la muerte), because they are social abortion, and abortion is cult to the devil, the exact opposite to the Eucharist. Well, I took picture of both the envelope and their “cult of death” besides (the apple bowl). Here is the picture:

They know I call those offerings “cult to death” and still they chose to leave thar there. Its like saying, we want you dead. It is the exact opposite the growth in communion that the Holy Family of the New Albor teaches: the family is meant to incarnate the living Eucharist.

Guess what? I needed to came back to the kitchen to take the antibiotics of Minnie (they are refrigerated). When I came back, she put a program in Tele Oro, the Catholic TV channel of Puerto Rico. It couldn’t be the mass, because at this hour they don’t have mass. It was probably the hour of Divine Mercy (I was not able to hear the words, but I knew it was Tele Oro for the style of speaking and when I confirmed it in the TV). Here you have the image of what exactly she put in the TV the second time I went to the kitchen

It is quite similar to mass, but as I said, there is no mass at this hour in that channel. It must be Divine Mercy hour, that begins at 3 pm (it is 3:26 pm right now).

What I mean is: they (my progenitors) are literally doing consciously and explictly the exact opposite of the Eucharist: they are doing cult to death, they are committing social abortion of a human being. As I said, they now how I call and understand the things thar are put at that altar. Still, they do their “offerings”. It is demonic and even worst than nazist cruelty, because they are pretending to use God Himself in their cult to death. I am very sorry to say this, but you gotta have a very meaningless life to do such a horrible thing, you gotta be extremely dead inside, spiritually and even communitarily (comunitariamente, en el contexto comunitario: la familia es la primerw comunidad) to do something like that, with such lack of empathy and living communion. God is merciful and compasive, and I will always pray for the joy and conversion of everyone, beginning me… but there are some, like my progenitors, that insist in bring death upon themselves. God Love is not a God that brings death but new life, as the reborn sea in last night dream. As a matter of fact, I am alive totally thanks to Him and belong to Him totally, He is the only family I have known. My progenitors wanted to cause me cancer and dissability with their toxic gassing (they left books of death and brain cancer, and it is known that the toxoc gassig they use causes cancer, as a matter of fact the dogs, two of them got cancer masses in their mammary glands): God made the miracle and here I am, alive and adoring Him with my whole growth.

Right now, where I am forced to be, I know I can die at any moment due toxic gassing, or I or any of the dogs can be killed, as they killed my dog Caramelo… but for me death is not an enemy, nor a cult: death is a step to everlasting life with my Beloved, with my Heavenly Husband as living Church. I don’t fear death at all. I just hope I can pray while it happens. I will forgive whoever does it and give thanks for the unworthy blessing of becoming a blood martyr (I mean, more blood than what I have already spilled).

I don’t know how to explain this [they are causing me drooling as I write this] but my progenitors and relatives/neighbours who collaborated with them are dead to me. I actually did my mourning period and everything. I don’t expect them to change, I don’t expect them to be human neither. I do pray for them, for the conversion and joy of everyone… but for me they are dead, they won’t ever be again the persons they once were in my life. I have accepted that loss since long time ago: they never were who they said they were, and they will never be who they are meant to be, that was their choice, and I can’t do anything about it, it was not my fault, they choose the path of dehumanization, and they did it conciously and deliberately. Yes, I do pray for everyone, but at the same time, I do accept choices and stopped expecting to receive what they are totally unable to give: love. They are dead inside, they even do cult to death… they choose their path of death, and I choose my path of new life. I am grateful for them for my baptism, but I have been asked by Jesus Charity to renew it as soon as I can, explaining the priest the circumstances of my baptism. It will be a very healing moment, a rebirth sea, like in last night dream.

That being said, let’s begin chapter 12: Death and Loss.

Here are the pages I marked/commented in chapter 12:

This is all about the pages of chapter 12. Of course, I will give a conclusive thought about the chapter.

I think it should have deepened more the topic of loss. The chapter is more about death than it is about loss. I have had great losses in my life, sometimes they even felt like a divorce. Of course, the grief of abusive parents is not touched, and I can understand it, it is not an usual grief, but to any child/son/daughter, letting go an abusive parent is a grief process, because I don’t know if you have noticed this: a child/son/daughter is always predisposed to think well of their parents, and finding put they are abusive, even if the evidence is in plain sight, is quite a shock, you can even invent stories to justify them. Example: I thought for many years my progenitors were the way they were due extreme poverty/emotionak deprival in their childhoods. You can go through the grieving process over and over again, jumping from one stage to another in silence, until you finally reach the acceptance stage. Of course, there were triggering things that triggered the jump from one stage to another… but the jumping has stopped since long time ago, now is there only acceptance, although because I am forced to remain in contact with them, the grieving process can’t be completed (I cand redesign my life without their presence, I am forced to remain in contact with them and to remain their social slave). I have read about these stages before, and becoming conscious of them was helpful to understand me better. I think the topic of loss should be more discussed, because even letting go a dream can be a loss process, and that can happen to a lot of people, including students. Yes, teachers should be aware of these stages too, especially when dealing with divorce among their students’ parents. Children do need to learn to deal with loss too.

This is it for chapters 10, 11 and 12 of I Never Knew I had a choice. Let’s keep choosing to be a light!

I Never Knew I had a Choice [Chapter 9]

During almost the whole last night my dogs were tortured. They didn’t stopped to gasp, to cry, to have high heart rates… I only slept until 11, a little bit, another little bit at 2 and another little bit at 3. They are literally trying to kill dreams with torture, not letting me sleep… but dreams was what we got most beautifully during last night dream. By the wayl it happened something that has happened before when they have done this: chunks of sleep and dreaming felt a lot longer than you would imagine from a half an hour. That means: the sense of time is quite flexible in the dreams. Something that was physically half an hour in the dream felt a lot longer. Yes, it has happened MANY times. It is not the first time they have caused sleep deprival, although it is true that last night was one of the most severe sleep deprivals rhey have caused. One of the dogs peed, vomited and defecated during the night, and his pee was SO transparent I couldn’t see it, although I did felt the wet floor with my feet. That is something that was also caused to me (I also peed during the night and had very light yellow pees).

So… in last night dream Mikhael asked me how to plasmate God’s work pursuing His dream… We have a dream… In everyone beats a dream of God Love, a beautiful dream of self-giving and communion, and everyone is called to plasmate that dream as the living work of Love we are called to become through giving to each other as we are meant to, letting us be defined by Love, letting Love define the work of Love that we incarnare as we give ourselves as we are meant to. Sexuality is only one way of many we have to give ourselves, a way that is meant to be inside a very concrete context: marriage between a man and a woman, open unconditionally to grace and life. However, there are SO many dreams to plasmate when we are unconditionally open to grace and life! There are so many forms to concrete this living work of Love, this living work of Art, this Fiat Amor! For those who doesn’t know it, Fiat Amor is the story of a princess who learns to walk thanks to Jesus Charity. The detail is important in what I am going to explain next.

Everything in us is meant to be defined by Love, not only sexuality. Example: Those so called “conversion therapies”, which I have defended before, are wrong. You can’t change only your sexuality, you choose to let Love embrace you… and that can mean both heal an homosexual tendency, in case it was caused by trauma, or actually sanctify your homosexuality with a chaste way of life, it it is a birth homosexuality (you born that way). However, you should not define yourself as “homosexual”. You are a son and daughter of God. The same applies to EVERYONE. What defines us is His Love, not our sexuality, nor our sins, nor our past, nor our falls, nor our gifts and charisms… what defines us is who we are in His Heart: people of the alliance (pueblo-familia de la alianza) called to plasmate His living work of New Albor… yes, I said: “living work of New Albor”, not living work of Love. As a matter of fact, you can say both: a living work of New Albor is a living work of Love. A loving work of New Albor is a work that plasmate God’s self-giving dream for your life. As we plasmate His living work of Love, plasmating our whole personal formation according to His plan as we give everything to help to be, help to do, help to grow, help to glow and help to bloom in more and more communion, we also plasmate God’s dreams for our life… and thar was what we did, in a way you wouldn’t expect…

[I am being caused to cough with stertor as I write this. Yes, I am being tortured while I write this…]

Well, we used a wood art palette as an art canvas to plasmate God’s dreams for my life, a New Albor living work of Love. It was literally a new albor, actually: it was a way in the middle of a sunflower field, with a new albor behind. It had a gold siluette pf me with Jesus Charity walking… I had painted something like this before, in wood, (it was not a wood palette, I had never pained in a wood palette as a canvas) with crayons. Not with Jesus Charity and me, but it was a field of sunflowers with a new albor behind. It was done with hot crayolas (I paint with crayolas and a hot spoon to blend the hot crayolas). That painting dissapeared along the years… and it was the main illustration for the Fiat Amor Love story.

Mikhael appreciatted my art. He simply asked me a single question: “you are going to paint only you and Jesus Charity?”

I looked at him with surprise: yes, why? That is how Fiat Amor was written.

He moved his head and kind of hesittated with a smile: well, now we know there is a whole Holy Family of New Albor besides Jesus Charity: there is a Saint Joseph of New Albor and there is a Our Lady of New Albor, that would be plasmated in you… and there is Caramelo… and there a a bunch on unruly kids you teach and “rule” (poner en orden, hacer vida el orden de la caridad…) that can be plasmated as brothers and sisters, because Mary is and you are meant to be mother of maaaaaaaaaaany brothers and sisters… so plasmate at least a boy and a girl as sign of your numerous, very numerous people-family of the new albor [he handed me the gold paint to expand the siluette I painted]

[Note in this paragraph: I received a few minutes ago a meditation that explains this very beautifully. Yes, Our Lady can be “plasmated” and dwelling in us… The quote talks about Mary “breathing” in us”… Here is the meditation screnshoot]

I looked at Mikhael with a look of “Its hard to believe you, but I’ll do what you say…”

Mikhael spoke, even if I only looked at him: “let Him raise you (déjate levantar), let yourself be raised as He meant you to be raised. Let Him raise you as He wants to raise you”.

I smiled at him: Fiat Amor then…

Fiat Amor is a whole way of walking like He walked, like our blessed Mother and Saint Joseph also walked: fiat mihi secundum verbum Tuum, fiat mihi secundum caritatis tuam… and that is also fulfilling His dream, letting Him to raise us as the living work of New Albor we are meant to be, giving new life as we are meant to give it, letting us be defined by the everlasting fecundity of Love.

So, what I need to add to the Amazon wishlist I am filling for my students (and that is quite big) are wood art palettes, the biggest possible, so they can paint their dreams there. I have already added paint, brushes and even palettes, but I need them the biggest possible. That detail is important. 🙂

By the way, the work of New Albor ended splashing silver and gold paint, transconsecrating the work as the Holy Spirit transconsecrates our hearts into living Eucharist: in unity of being and act, of work and words, of hands and heart… that is how we are meant to give ourselves in unity to the Holy Spirit: as living Eucharist, creating home, Church and Humanity that creates living heaven, that creates living Eucharist… glowing as the living beacon of new life that grows in communion that we are called to be, incarnating more and more His sacramental fraternity…

There is another detail in the new albor work of love that is very important. I will explain it later, in the car, and then in writting.

I am right now in the first floor of the house, preparing my stuff for the day and letting the dogs out. Among the things the progenitors left as objects of social exploitation (objects that are meant to be there to exploit me psychosocially) are these mugs that are from the Discovery of America:

What they are saying with that is “New Fraternization doesn’t exist, this is not for the whole Americas (yesterday the EWTN family prayer was about praying for the Americas and I wrote in the contemplative prayer that we are meant as Americans to pursue this New fraternization, transformating this colonization era into a Universal Declaration of Love (the Universal Declaration of Fraternal Rights, and the end of all kinds of colonization in the Americas, including the end of the political status of the last political colonial territory: us, Puerto Ricans), the family evangelization project (new humanization, new ecclesializatiom, new fraternization, new evangelization, new familiarization) doesn’t exist”. We all know it exists. We all know this family evangelization project began well long ago, in the beginnings of the colonization era, the Holy Family of the New Albor waiting patiently until transforming this whole colonial mess, that is not the way we are meant to evangelize a Christians, into a new fraternization that is not only part of a family evangelization project, but part of a whole new era for the three Americas: an era of new fraternization that puts an end to the colonization and slavery era, walking together as equal brothers and sisters in communion direction.

That was not the only thing they left. They also left a Britta water filter. Even they know it: pure water is flowing on and on to purify this Charca. To understand what I mean with Charca, you need to read La Charca, a novel of Puerto Rican literature that describe the cruel hardships of our historical colonial past.

May the pure waters of the Holy Spirit flow, overflowing everything with new life that grows in more and more communion. 🙂

I just got my labs results from yesterday. My thyroid antibodies are high, everything else is relatively normal. This would confirm my theory: the toxic gassing is causing inmune dissorders.

Right now I am in a bakery, tasting a great breakfast (a sandwich of eggs, ham, cheese and garlic butter in traditional Puerto Rican bread, plus coffe and orange juice, what is a luxury for me) and now I can explain the detail I still need to explain about the new albor living work of love painting.

In that painting there must be a detail, any, that is spiral. The spiral plasmates the communion direction we are all called to follow as equal brothers, as equal citizens, as free, equal, full of dignity, saints, fullfilled, joyful, loved, called, consecrated chosen brothers and sisters we are called to be. Tomorrow we celebrate the day of abolition of slavery, and now it also should become the day of abolition of colonization; a day of new fraternizationin which we celebrate growing together in communion, walking together as brothers and sisters that are equal citizens, plasmating together Patria viva, Iglesia viva, humanidad viva…

After all this being said, lets start chapter nine, that is about sexuality, clarifying that besides depriving me from sleep my progenitors are torturing me with severe intestinal pain (7 of 10, ten being the most intense pain) as I complete the reflections and comments of this chapter.

I will do with this chapter what I did yesterday: share the pictures of the pages in which I wrote comments/reflections/yellow marks

Here we go…

From the “What I can go from there?” section at the end of the chapter, I am interested in answering the first question… but it is not pertinent to everyone to know, it would only be pertinent by the spouse/boyfriend, when God calls me to have that conversation.

I consider sexuality a beautiful topic to be talked, in the right context, with the right person, in the right moment… and with the right intimacy. There is nothing shameful in sexuality, rightly lived. It is a beautiful self-giving gift Gid gives to the human being, making them co-creators and co-collaborators of the Trinitarian communion.

Let’s keep choosing to be a light!

I Never Knew I Had A Choice [Chapter 7 and Chapter 8]

In last night dream Mikhael and I did a beautiful creative project to plasmate how to pursue this ministry of new albir, this ministry of growth in communion, as we create human, eclesial and civil family according to His plan. We plasmated how God call us to create sacramental family as the Holy Family of the New Albor does, incarnaring together the living Eucharist, casting again, but this time we casted a Sparkling Holy Family of the New Albor, the same way we casted hands yesterday. Then, we painted the figures living charity gold, and then we splashed metallic transconsecration to the figures… but not only to the figures: we also splashed metallic transconsecration (remember: metallic color is unity of being and act, and also growing together in comunnion) to the hands we did yesterday. Both projects are connected: as we create sacramental family as Mary and Joseph did, we incarnate the Eucharist as loving family comunion, as growing together in communion (the casted hands) as the family-beacon God call us to be. Mikhael explained me that both created Eucharist embracing the gift of the Holy Spirit they were called to embrace to help Jesus to grow, to learn to walk as He does… After we casted and painted everything we put the sparklers in the Sparkling Holy Family of the New Albor (we did a little bit of wire art for doing that) and we also walked in the beach with sparklers. At the moment of the sparklers being lit up I had flashbacks of all we have shared as family, with the whole Holy Family of the New Albor, and it was beautiful to see it all again, including Caramelo, and the moon. At this moment I was so joyful I tripped over and fell… Mikhael smiled luminously, as luminous as my new albor eyes, and help me raise again, as we hugged…

-He will always raise you up, my beautiful princess of Heaven…

You may not understand the meaning of those words. There is a song, sang by many, but I like Josh Groban version, called “You raise me up”. Mikhael sang it to me and we danced together… I have heard that song thousands of times along these years. I love it. Well, Mikhael explained me that Jesus learned to be a raiser from Saint Joseph. That is the way Saint Joseph incarnated the consecration of the living Eucharist: in the same way our Mother of New Albor is a conceived, Saint Joseph is the raiser, the one who taught Jesus how to raise when he was learning how to walk as a man, and how to raise the Eucharist as He was called to as He delivered Himself to the Church.

So, that is for me relationship: growing together in communion, spark new life that grow in communion, as Mikhael said, accepting unconditionallly the gifts that the Spirit brings to create home as whole new heart, as beacons of His new life that grows in communion, painting with more and more seeds of living charity a new albor that helps everyone in thr family to be santified in His Love.

Yes, that is a relationship for me: be santified in His Love.

Yesterday, when I went to take the forced medications my progenitors force me to take as part of their abuse and body control, my progenitor female said me, almost screaming, “Hello” (Hola). She did that almost screaming because I was hearing music with audiophones, precisely for not hearing her (and I didn’t hear most of what she said, but she almost screamed the “hello” and I did heard that) or the progenitor male… but I really didn’t hear “hello”. What I heard was what I hear everytime they speak to me: I hate you for existing. You heard it right, that what they always tell, whatever thing they tell: “I hate you for existing, for being who you are”.

After that hello they caused me severe stomach pain, increased pee (I had to woke up to pee at 11pm) and also, in the exact moment I woke up the neighbours in the hate house did gun machine sounds. Do you understand now why I understand “I hate you for existing” when she says “hello”? All what they do is hate you. She doesn’t speak like or love when she speaks. She speaks hate, physical pain and death, and an absurd nauseous insistance in controlling you, especially controlling my body.

I a true relationship, what you say when you say “hello” is “I am grateful for your existance, I love you, thanks for being who you are”. That is the way to speak life, to speak love, to speak mercy, to speak peace, to speak a respect that in words of Mikhael is almost reverence, because you can see God-Love-with-us in the presence of the other… and raise Him up, the same way the Holy Family of the New Albor raised Jesus over and over again as He learned to walk, to become who He was called to be, the living Eucharist we are all called to be.

At around 8:30 am in the morning I had a severe vomitting attack in the school, along a coughing attack. I could barely breathe due non-stop nausea and vomitting, besides coughing with estertor. I first vomited transparent, then vomited the breakfast (carrot cake and coffee). I knew I had to go, becuase I was also having diarrea issues since the morning. Yes, the toxic gassing is so severe right now that I have symptoms along the day, ouside the house of tortures, like it was in this case. What I did was go to the medical center I should be going (but don’t go because I am tired of lying and be the cow) and took a lab order I had in stand by, and went to the lab to make me labs. If it is thyroid what they are making unstable to cause all this, it will be easily known right now because the labs had the thyroid tests, including antibodies.

This was my urine sample. It is a other very recurrent symptom: increase of peeing, causing transparent pee. My last urine before that sample was less than an hour ago.

What I suspect is that their toxic gassing is making very unstable my whole inmune system, causing all kind of inmune reactions during the day. Only the inmmune system could be cause such broad spectrum of symptoms during the day. That include problems with lungs innmune system, because I am having stertor cough since about four months ago, and that is clearly caused by their torture.

If they kill me, it will probably be like it happened today: not being able to breath due vomiting, so either you try to breath between vomiting/cough/nausea (usually I do that walking, but today walking caused me even more intestinal/stomach pain) or you asphixiate with your own vomit. Yes, as cruel as it sounds, those are their most recurrent simptoms.

I wrote this at 5:10 am, prior even writing about the dream:

“They had been causing stomach pain (upper abdomen pain) the whole night, including now that I woke up (since 4:30 am). Its the maslow pyramid: they want you to focus in physiological instead of focusing in the self actualization of the dreams with Mik, that was beautiful. Whay they di yesterday at 11 pm when they woke me up with pain (making noises of gun) is also Maslows pyramid: they want to cause you feel unsafe. 🙃 The “hello” of the progenitor was attempting to make feel unloved… I explain this because it is not rate to them cause “several” unfocus in the pyramid.”

This is the great thing about knowing psychology: it helps you to be better prepared to deal with torture and psychological manauvers to hurt you… and so you don’t let ANYTHING to unfocus you from keep growing until becoming who you are called By him to be: a Church that is mother of a very numerous family of living stars of heaven that shine brightly above us.

As I ended writing that, the progenitor female entered the room to say “I hate you for existing again”, asking me very unnecesarily if I am “well of health”, (she NEVER asks me if I am well of ANYTHING, I say this just to let you understand the whole social slavery scenario), knowing perfectly she had caused me today be sick and be in pain. Of course, when you ask someone you are torturing and causing suffering and sickness if you are “well of health” what you are telling him or her is “I hate you for being healthy… I hate you for being who you are… I hate for being here (on earth, alive)” As a matter of fact, as I am writting this, while she said that, I went to pee in 25 minutes intervals, fully transparent pees. She is saying that she is asking is you are “well of health”, at the same time that gasses you with toxic air that cause you increased peeing. Do you see the deep hate in her actions?

You know? They actually dissuaded me from studying psychology when I has in high school. The progenitor female told me a false story about my progenitor male: she said that my progenitor male wanted to study psychology, but because it is so low paying, she dissuaded him to study accountant, but he never passed his revalid, so she was “responsible” of his lack of money due lack of stable employment… Now I understand: it was a false story to dissuade me from study psychology, so I would better prepared to identify their control/criminal/hateful psychilogically abusive pattern…

You get their hate game, right? Sadly, you pray for everyone, but you also see, there are some that only have hate in their hearts, and you can’t choose for them, they choose that for themselves.

Today we celebrate Saint Joseph, that as we dreamed, he is raiser. He is alsp raising me up right now. He also is a guardian of virgins, protector of the living Church, and I am virgin of heart, so lets him be protector of this living Church, His living Church, that beats in me.

Today we also celebrate the international day of happiness. Yesterday Mikhael told me that what makes me more happy is communion, growing together in communion (and when you do that you radiate more and more light) so lets keep choosing to be joyful as we keep choosing to be a light. Lets keep raising each other up as Saint Joseph teaches us to do it, choosing to keep growing together in communion as we begin chapter six and seven: relationships and the other one that I still don’t know which one is. Yes, today I will make two chapters because I have no school nor work (I already made the lesson plans), nor Tournament of Champions to see (I only have a half of episose remaning to see). I have plenty of time to do two chapters [the progenitors throw a door when I say that].

Because I vomited this morning, I will take two vivarin now to be more focused. Coffee/caffeine helps me to be more focused in my readings and writings. So, by the power of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, and the holy caffeine, lets start chapter 6: relationships.

“The challenge of forming intimate relationships is the major task of early adulthood”. Well, I had never seen examples of intimate true relationships around me, and that since child. That is something that have called the attention to me since very early: the lack of intimacy between my parents, and in the family in general. Intimacy is not valued except if there is interests involved.

“When we avoid intimacy, we diminish ourselves”. Despite not having a single one relationship that I can consider intimate, trust me, I don’t avoid intimacy. I had been simply isolated in such extreme I can’t have intimacy with no one because I am not allowed to.

“We can enhance our lives greatly by caring about others and fully savoring the time we spend with them”. I totally agree with this. I would say: enjoying communion.

“To bring about change, we ourselves must change rather than insisting that the other person change”. Sorry, sometimes the others are the one who need to change. I am not saying I don’t have things to change, everyone has. But there is a LITTLE difference between improving behaviours that are post traumatic and improving behaviours that are… CRIMINAL AND ILLEGAL, like happens around me. You get the point. What is true is that no one can’t force ANYONE to change. I can’t do anything to force a change in people who have demonstrated they don’t want to change. You let go them emotionally and psychologically, although you still are forced to interact with them socially and psysicallly… and keep moving on the best way you can.

“As you read the remainder of this chapter, spend some time [4] thinking about ways you experience intimacy in your life. [1] Are you involved in the kinds of relationship that satisfy you? [2] What are you willing to do to improve your relationships? [3] What are your view of a meaninful relatioship?” Easy here, too many questions at the same time. 😂 1. Well, my relationship with my students does satisfy me, they are great kids, although sometimes unruly, but its normal for their age. I love to teach them. My relationship with God (with Jesus Charity, with the Holy Family of the New Albow, with Mik..) also satisfies me A LOT, its the meaning and direction of my life. Besides those two kind of relationships, I have no other relationship. I am deeply isolated socially due my progenitors’ control. I can’t have relationships online (in dating sites) fue their hacking, nor in the parish (they collaborate with their abuse), nor with doctors and professional (I am not believed), nor in the family (they all collaborate in their abuse…) nor with neighbours (they also collaborate in the abuse…) and technically, I can’t have a real relationship with my colleagues due needing to lie constanly to cover up the reality of my social slavery… so… well. technically, the issue here is not a satisfaction issue, but not having relationships that should be there in someone of my age. 2. I can’t do nothing to improve relationships due the social slavery. 3. A meaningful relationship is someone in which you can be who you are, with “heart nakedness”, and also share yourself as you are, growing together in communion. 4. My ONLY way to experience intimacy in my life right now is literally through dreams. That was the way Saint Joseph “knew” Mary: fulfilling God dreams. The same happens with me.

I do agree with all your qualities of a healthy relationship. I would add one more to them: you both strive to put God and sacramental fraternity first in your lives. Without that, there is no intimacy in my relationships. That “vínculo” [link] is the strongest intimacy link one for me.

Here are the photos of the qualities mentioned in the chapter:

“Overall, good lovers are sensitive to their partner’s needs and desires, can communicate their own desires, and are patient, caring and confident” Well, I have never known this from anybody except God.

I do agree with your guidelines for adressing conflict and controntarion effectively. I admit: I do like good fights… I mean, healthy fights. Lets call them confrontations and not fights, for the sake of good growth manners. I would be in the WWE of this kind of fights 😂.

Here are the photos of the guidelines given by the book.

“We learn from our parents how to deal with the rest of the world”. I correct you: I have learn from my progenitors how NOT to deal with the rest of the world.

Just as I wrote that my progenitor female sent me money to “make me medical labs” (they know is not for that). Talking about control, they do practice intellectual control also: controlling what you read and your information sources. She waited me to enter into the section of “communicating with your parents” to sent me the money, with the message “God bless you forever”. Yes, they do like to play with the word “blessing” (what they are saying with those “blessings” is exactly the opposite: “God is NOT blessing you”. They threw a door furiously when I wrote that). It is not the first time that happens that I am reading something and they play with notifications/calls/noises arouns when I am reading a specific part of the text/Bible. Here you can see the screenshoots of what I wrote, marked down and her notification (notice the time differences).

How they can be doing this? They couldn’t get this book from Amazon, its too short notice, I bought it too recently. What they did was taking photocopies of the book while I was out at Costco. I actually expected this to happen. Lets keep choosing to forgive and choosing to be a light. We continue with the chapter.

I jumped the whole section of gay and lesbian relationships. I knew the ideological would come sooner or after. Here it is. It is not discrimination: it is against my religious freedom beliefs. I actually would read it if you have also a Christian relationship section. I see the book doesn’t have a Christian relationship section. That is the norm: ideologically imposse ideology of gender. I am sure more recent editions of the books also include transgender relationships/identities. There is no need to add that to a book about personal growth.

Don’t forget this: I had been tortured and I am being tortured for standing for family and marriage according God’s plan.

“Marriage is a relationship that generates change through dialogue”. Good change is always generated in communion.

The best way to avoid terminating a relationship is walking together in the same direction (communion direction). When this happens, there will be changes, of course, but the direction remains the same.

“At times, people find themselves in relationships that are emotionally or physically abusive, yet they are hesitant to leave these relationships”. People, I have tried to leave the abusive relationship with my progenitors during years and years. I had never been allowed to have my own life, my own body, my own mind.

“Not all abusive relationships involve physical violence. Subtle emotional abuse over a period of time can also erode a relationship. Remaining in such a relationship generally makes it difficult for an individual to want to reach put and form new relationships”. People, in my case, the relationship with my progenitors is gone, is non-existant beyond social slavery. If it wouldn’t be due the social slavery, I wouldn’tbe related to them. That is the extreme toxicity of this torture place. I don’t belog to them, but they insist to control me as if I were his/her posession… as if human beings could be a possession. No matter how powerful you are, you can’t possess human beings. A truly powerful person knows how to honor everyone’s dignity.

“Coping wih ending long-term relationships” The hardest part for me when breaking with my 7 year boyfriend (and a few extra years of economic dependance besides the 7 years) was breaking with the emotional codependance. That took time. I needed to learn how to love myself first to break that codependancy.

“How much self-disclosure and honesty do you want in your intimate relationships?” If you are not self-reveal your heart fully in an intimate relationship, with complete heart-nakedness, if you want to called that way, don’t enter into the intimate relationship.

“As you look at various television shows, keep a record for a couple of weeks of the message you get regarding marriage, family life, and intimacy. What are some common stereotypes? What gender roles are portrayed? What myths do you think are being presented?” Something is sure: sacramental marriage is not on fashion (de moda) right now. If you believe marriage can be possible only between a woman an a man you are a bigot, you are not heard and you are not represented, as this very book demonstrates when they don’t mention sacramental marriage/Christian marriage as a whole section, as they do with gay/lesbian CIVIL Marriage (not sacramental). The disrespect to Christian/Catholic/Biblical marriage is absolute. You are not allowed to live your biblical principles without being harassed and considered “hateful”. Curios thing here is tha the true hate is around me, precisely opposing to marriage and family according to God’s plan. No one considers being against Biblical marriage and family as hateful, but look around me and tell me if this is not extreme hate.

By the way, as I am writing this I am going to the bathroom about once per 45 minutes, as average. The shortest had been once per 25 minutes; the longes once per hour. That means: I am being gassed as I write all this. I am literally giving testimony of Biblical family and marriage as I am being tortured.

This is the end of chapter 7. I need to go to the bathroom and rest before starting chapter 8: becoming the woman or man you want to be.

Here you have the scales of chapter 7

Because I needed to charge the iPad, I didn’t wrote the toughts/comments about this chapter in the iPad: I wrote them down in the pages and took pictures of the pages… but prior beginning to share these pictures, I will share a very general comment about the whole chapter and topic.

Do you know why I say “become the best PERSON you can be”, or “becoming the PERSON you are called to be”? Because the call to grow in communion until becoming the best you can be is for EVERYONE, regarding whichever sex you are.

I was surprised to see the word “communion” in this chapter. It is the first time I see it mentioned in psychology, in non-christian literature. I was also surprised to see it as a femenine “trait”. I think the call to communion is for every human being. As a matter of fact, when I talked that yesterday with my guardian angel, he said that is a call to every human being, we are called and wired to enjoy communion.

There are certain traditional gender roles with which I don’t have problems with. I don’t have a problem to associate being a man with the three PPP: protector, provider and procreator. I don’t see any problem neither with associate being woman with being more emotional than men (I don’t think that means being irrational) and being a mother. However, there are other traditional roles that must be changed. Example: men can be emotional, or a man doesn’t need to be the sole breadwinner of the women chooses to work or needs to work. So… tradition is not totally wrong, nor totally right, and I think that is healthy: there are things that must be changed and there are things that must remain. There must be equality of POWER between men and women, which doesn’t mean EQUALITY OF GENDER ROLES. That means: there will be gender roles, and that is all right and even healthy, biologically, ontologically and socially speaking. Ask a neurologist: women and men’s brains do NOT work the same, and so we are BIOLOGICALLY wired to do certain taks easier according to our gender. Yes, there must be equality of power, no gender is more or less than the other, but that doesn’t mean that gender differences between a man and a woman must dissapear completely: they will always be there, and it is healthy and even normal to be so. A woman is wired to be a mother; a man is wired to be a father: you can’t be a mother if you are a man; you can’t be a father if you are a woman. Also, you will expect to see fewer woman in construction jobs and more woman in teaching careers and careers that involve “communion”, as you call it. Does that mean that a woman can’t work in construction? Nope, if she chose to and have the physical condition to. Does this mean that a man can’t work as teacher? Nope, if he is willing to work his “communion” skills. That is all right. There is nothing wrong with gender roles, they are meant to be there, but not as a constraint, but as a “complement helper” (ayuda para la complementareidad: we all have out talents to serve according how Gid create us, and women can serve better in certain ways, and man can serve better in certain ways, without anyone being less than other).

That being said, let’s begin sharing the photos of chapter eight, with comments and scales included.

Here are the answers to the questions at the end of the chapter eight.

“Write down the characteristics you associate with being a woman (or femenine) and being a man (or masculine). Then think about how you adquired these views and to what degree you are satisfied with them”

I actually prayed this last night, in last night’s dream: men are “raisers” and women are “conceivers”. Although this vision has stron biological repercussions, the rooth of these “femenine and masculine traits” is first of all spiritual: the Virgin Mary is the “conceiver” of the Eucharist and saint Joseph (and eventually Jesus himself) are the “raisers” of the Eucharist. Mary helps Jesus to “conceive” himself as living Eucharist. Saint Joseph “raises” the Eucharist as He helps Jesus to raise and walk as He is called to, until becoming who He is called to be… Jesus raises the Eucharist raising the altar bread as He gave Himself raised in the cross. I can agree if you say my vision of masculinity and femeninity are not traditional or common, guilty accepted. 😂

“Men and women are challenging traditional roles. Based on your own observations, to what extent do you find this to be true? Do your friends typically accept traditional roles, or they tend to challenge society’s expectations?” My fourth grade studenrs had a huge brawls on march 8 (womens day) because two boysof the group said that women were weak, unnneeed and only worthy because they could be at home and raise children. The fourh grade girls… well, almost kill the two boys, and they both had to apologize. What I mean is: our youth generation is clearly more conscious that traditional gender roles must be challenged, and it is happening, we are challenging the unhealthy roles. As I mentioned in a few of the comments, I have boy students that are quite emotional, I have boy students who have no problem touching each other (well, to fight with each other, but they do touch each other quite often 😂 without problems… and I also have a boy that is quite a hugger in fourth grade, and he is amazingly boyish, without problems with giving hugs) and if I teach to my boy students those masculine stereotypes be sure that I would be fired as teacher. Buth, as I explained earlier, gender roles don’t need to be bad and they will always be there, and its fine. Probably, besides a pediatrician, teachers are more conscious than any other career that boys and girls develop differently and have predominant skills which they develop easier than the other gender (read very carefully what I said: I said develop “easier”, that doesn’t mean that the other gender can’t develop them too). Gender differences are not an enemy. Its who we are as human being: female and male God created them. What is wrong is gender inequiality in the sense of giving more power to man or giving more power to woman. Both are called to grow in communion and fraternity. Don’t make the gender roles issue a sex war, because it shouldn’t be seen that way. They do need to change, the healthy way, not the “sex-war” way. We compliment each other by nature, and it should be that way also socially.

We are done with chapter 8. 🙂

This is all for today. Happy Saint Joseph day and happy happiness day! Let’s keep choosing to be a light! 😁

I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Chapter 6]

In last night dream Mikhael and I had a “Love Fest”: a beautiful agape holding hands together, what meant the unity that only the Holy Spirit can bring to walk together as Jesus Charity walks. It was beautiful, because while we were doing a work of art holding hands together I had tons of flashbacks of moments shared and lived with Jesus Charity through all these years: first with Mikhael as a little child, then as Jesus Eucharist, then as Jesus Charity, then as a New Albor Holy Family… I saw all the time we hold hands and hearts through all those years, how I received the alliance of charity, first in the heart, and the consecreation of charity… and it was beautiful to know that God loved me first, and always will. This agape unity is unbrekable, and full of new albor that grows in communion. God loves us first, and then gives our hand to who belongs through the power of the Holy Spirit that is capable to unite as agape. This was an agape that was a sharing joy and wonders instead of sharing snacks (you know, in chuches agapes are made to share snacks after mass or a retreat) but Mikhael do told me to not forget eating carrot cupcake when I woke up, so it was an agape feast that was a cupcake feast: everyone brings cupcakes of all kinds of flavors, as the charisms of the Holy Spirit. It is also something made (baked) with your hands and heart in unity, that why He mentioned cupcakes as agape feast… but that is not the essential part of the agape fest: its holdind hands together, and that is how you make this work of art: holding hands together in pure love, like Saint Joseph’s Love. We are called to live a Love that imitates the Sacred Hearts of the Holy Family, radiating more and more His new albor with a vision of new albor that us a pure vision of Love, a vision that sees the beautiful heart that God reveals through the Holy Spirit.

I will tell Mikhael’s dream more chronologically detailed. First he rubbed my eyes with a little bit of annointing oil (no, it wasn’t the lot of amount of anointing oil he used yesterday) and then my eyes were covered in glowy makeup: new albor eyes, flamming Holy Spirit eyes, but with a touch of pink, like the horizon in the dream. Dream is the color of dignity (sacramental, civil and human dignity) and tenderness. We need to see like the Holy Spirit to hold as we were going to hold. Then we went to a tabke with a bucked in the beach, that had the materials to cast our hands holding together. We casted our hands together, and that was the moment I had the whole amount of flashbacks, while the cast dried. We will always be heart by Heart together by the same alliance of charity. Then, we poured the white matter into the casted mold, and while that dried, we had our agape feast, celebrating the many charisms of the Holy Spirit that are flowing here. We made a cupcake feast, to be concrete, but an agape feast can be made with anything that is made with hands and heart in unity, because that also means unity of being and act and word and works. Then we painted the hands with seedism. We painted the beautiful new albor that in the dream is right in front of us, using a chalice and a paten, meaning that we are incarnating His Eucharist as we make family according to His plan, with the purity of Saint Joseph, fulfilling God’s dream with new albor vision as we plasmate the work of Love, the livint charity seeds, we are called to plasmate, to cultivate as we cultivate culture of new albor that radiates more and more new life that grows in communion… Then we talked about the practical stuff while painting (what to add to the Amazon Wishlist for my students, and what materials exactly to use [a wood palette, like the wood chalice, molds for casting holding hands with yeso])… and the last detail will be told during the day, but you should have seen it already. 🙂

That was the very joyful and beautiful last night dream… and it speak very loudly about my concept of Love. Amazon doesn’t understand me when they put kinky “love” search results like this one

Love, in the Holy Spirit, is not a merely physical thing: its agape. Agape can be also eros and even filios, but it is mainly agape first… and Amazon insists in erotic love only with their search result. That is how today’s society works.

We need to strive to a love that is pure, like Saint Joseph teaches us… but well, in my case, pure doesn’t mean clean body at all. I may have a beautiful pure heart, a heart full of virginity (our Blessed Mother told me so during the week), but… my body is dirty, and will remain dirty. I mean: I can only bath once per week, because technically don’t have bath ow my own to bath, and the only day I can bath in my progenitor’s bathroom is on Sunday, when they are consistently out of the house… but today, a Sunday, the progenitors are in the house, so I can’t bath for a second week in a row. Only my feet are extremely dirty, but I do like my bath with my handmade soap. In my circumstances, the worry is that the students notice that you don’t bathe daily. That has never happened, because I do change clothes often. But… what I mean is: loving with a pure heart is something beyond giving your body, you give yourself as living gift of the Spirit, as living Eucharist… and that is truly beautiful and joyful. You should have seen the old lady that was putting her hand in her husband’s buttocks in Costco, they should have been like 60 years old and they were still playful (ejem, in a little bit too public space) with each other and enjoying each other as a gift. That is key: enjoying communion, enjoying each other as the gift of the Holy Spirit you are. You can do it touching hands… or touching buttocks (if you are a husband and a wife, of course). You get the meaning: you need to touch the heart, whatever you touch, and touch with a clean heart, even if your body is extremely dirty.

The narcissistic rage happening right now in the house, with fast and furious moves, is such, that I made this meme…

Some people think that hate is the opposite of love. Others think that indiference is the opposite of love. I think demonic is the opposite of love: it is not-love, the hell of no-love, of not-giving-youself, not being able to grow together in communion nor enjoy each other in communion.

You know, Genesis says “grow and multiply”. What God meant was “enjoy yourselves as I meant you to enjoy yourselves”. Really, God pleases in us enjoy each other in communion, because He is communion.

As I write this, the neighbour screams to his daughters. I just sitted down in the tv room of this torture house, that is besides the neighbour’s house. It is his custom to scream or cough everytime I am in the “reachable” position to hear him (thats it: the bathroom or the TV room). He screamed to them in the moment I saw this on Instagram, and he screams again to them as I write this very same words.

No, people, screams are not my love language. They are screaming at this picture because I always have wanted to drink that vase they are holding in the picture, I have seen them in the Fiestas de la Calle San Sebastián, I think their names is “yardas”. All this mimicking, sabotage, screaming, invasion of privacy… thar reins around me, nope, is not my love language (the neighbour screams again to his daughters, so loudly that Minnie barks at him). My love language is communion: enjoying growing together in communion, enjoying everyone’s giftedness respecting each other as a unique gift of the Holy Spirit… I screamed to one of my students group on Friday because they made me to do what I didn’t wanted to do and I let them know it. One student told me: that is what you need to do, scream at us. I told her: I did it because you forced me to. I don’t believe in screaming at kids. I actually uttered “maldita sea” without saying it loud because they were interrupting the class non-stop, and although they are usually an “interruptive” class (they interrupt me a lot) well, on Friday it was non stop and I got frustrated because the topic was not difficult, but they didn’t let me give class, period. One student noticed what I uttered and I apologized to them. In all these years of teaching, I have never cursed, NEVER, in front of any student… until now. That was my level of frustration, it was like they were the ones giving the class, focused in the stuff I have in my classroom instead of what we should be kearning together in an enjoyable way, not in an authoritarian way, nor in a boring way. I got mad at the dean if discipline a few weeks ago because she said everyone wanted to be in my classroom only for the stuff I had in the classroom (that means: what I teach is worthless, what has value is the stuff that the classroom has) but suddenly… that is what is exactly happening, she is right: the students only value the play time, and if there is class at all, they want to finish it quick, to get to the creative learning time (the time in which they play). This was not this way, it became this way… but I don’t want to scream at them, like it happened in that class. Curiously enough, they expect you to scream at them, may be because that is what everybody else does, like my neighbours to their daughters (important factor here: their screaming is quite consistent with the times I am in places that I can hear them scream at them)… but I don’t believe in screaming or any kind of violence as love, nor as growthfull discipline. I told the student: you know you are doing it wrong, why you are doing it wrong, an only in my classroom? I had no answer. I don’t think violence and love can ever be compatible. Self-defence force is not violence: violence is using brute force in any form to impose yourself. When you respect someone you embrace him or her as he is and, in case of students and children, guide them to who they are called to be… but I have no right to impose myself to anyone, including children, or lack the respect of any of my students. They need to understand that there are consequences for their actions, and the main consequence of bad behaviour is not the fear to someone screaming at you: its that you won’t become the best person you can be. You need to believe in yourself and set yourself high standards.

There was another scream of my neighbour when I saw this on my instagram. My progenitors left that very same product in the kitchen weeks ago, that is why they are screaming (they see what I see in my iPad). And I used their pimientos for my chili jibaro recipe (my progenitors also left them in the kitchen).

That is the “love language” around me: psychological control moves. All kind of controls possible, that is love around me: social control, economic control, legal control, time control, space control, mind control, even environmental control (they control the air I breathe)… you name it, all kind of controlling behaviours are present here. They need to control who they “love”. Actually, the most similar think to an “I love you” that my progenitors have told me (they never hug nor say “I love you”) was while I was packing to one of their forced hospitalizations: my progenitor female said “we do this because we love you”. She meant the fake forced hospitalization and the forced injections and all loss of personal identity that implied what she was doing.

I forgot to mention two kinds of control: animal control (they made a puppy cry while I was putting the new albor bbq sauce in my garlic chicken wings… yes, they do try to control animal too, they torture them and cause them sickness on purpose…) and sensory control: control what you hear, see, smell, touch and taste. As I began to write this, the neighbours in another house that I call “the hate house” (it was literally built upon hate) raised the volume of regueton, a noise they know I hate.

I also forgot to mention another very specific way of controling, although I have i plied it with the forced injections: my progenitors with their abuse love to control my body, causing with torture, or with forced medicines, all kind of secondary effects and even causing sickness. What they actually wanted to cause me was brain cancer or breast cancer or any kind of cancer, because the toxic gasses they have used are very well known cancerigens. As I write this, I have increased peeing rate (one time per hour/our and a half) due their toxic gassing. I have felt drooling too. Well, love is not interested in controlling bodies neither, and this applies to a very broad view of the body: love doesn’t control what you wear, how and when you can bath, what you can use or not use in your body, and of course, doesn’t exploit/rape you sexually neither (my progenitors have exploited me sexually when they knew I was masturbating and instead of correcting it or talking with me they had ways to saw me masturbating and mocking the things I used to masturbate… the mere fact of recording someone intimate life is exploitative and controling to the core). You don’t kidnap people’s private lives when you truly love them. You respect their human rights unconditionally, all of them. You recognice them as persons and respect them as human beings unconditionally.

So… do I think love is controlling? Nope. Not at all. That is not the way Jesus Charity have taught to love. Love is free and freeing (libre y liberador), in the best sense of the word: it makes you change for the better and also makes you a helper to help others to change for the better, until becoming together the best person we can be, who we are meant to be, that in the case of a Christian, its clearly becoming a saint… a saint communion in-Love. Yes, Love is something very beautiful, very self-giving and very self-fullfilling in a sense that is not ordered only to the self, but to communion. We are created to communion, even in the social sense and in the biological sense (not only in the eclessial sense), and although it can requires sacrifice sometimes, like in the cross, it is always a sacrifice ordered to grow together in communion, to radiate more and more life in-Love. In word of John Paul II, the human person becomes a gift in the freedom of Love (General Audience, 16 January 1980), and man enters the world as a subject of Love and Truth (General Audience, 20 February 1980).

Sadly, I don’t remember which encyclical I am quoting, I don’t even remember which Pope I am quoting (yes, that’s very me, I know I read something somewhere, but don’t remember where) but the Catholic Magisterium teaches us that man would be unknown to himself without Love: God-Love reveals us who we are and who we are called to be, we can’t live without Love.

After all this being said, let’s begin with chapter six: Love

“Relationships require loving behaviour. In other words, there have to be consistency between my saying “I Love You” and how I behave toward you.” Agree. Totally agree.

“To fullu develop as a person and enjoy a meaningul existence, we need to care about others and have others care about us.” Well, nobody cares about me, and my life is full of Love…

“A loveless live is often lived in isolation and alienation.” Well, I am quite isolated, but my life is full of Love, while myprogenitors have all the social contacts of the world, and they got a loveless life…

“The need for love includes the need to know that our existence makes a difference to others”. In my last second grade class, when I wanted the class to be organized, a student said “que culito tan rico” (he didn’t meant me, but that is a very disrespectful comment to say in front of a teacher, and elsewhere). What I mean is: I don’t make a difference in anyones’s life, not even in my student’s lives… but the Love of God fills me and He do wants to need me, a creature, to give light to Him as Jesus Charity…

“I need to have someone in my life…” Better not needing anyone. Everybody lies. Nobody cares for the truth and the values you care most… so better not needing anyone.

“Our love for others or their love for us may enable us to live, even in conditions of extreme hardship. In the Nazi concentration camp where he was imprisoned, Frankl (1963) noted that some of those who kept alive the images of those they loved and retained some meause of hope survived the ordeal, whereas those who gave up hope of being united with loved ones sucumbed”. Well, what happens when the Love you want to be reunited with is in Heaven? Heaven can’t wait. So you don’t fear death at all. You don’t wish death because He doesn’t want to, but you do know there is nothing to fear there, because your Beloved is there. By the way, it is the first time I see Frankl quoted in non Christian editorials.

“Having love for ourselves does not mean having an exxagerated picture of how our own importance or placing ourselves above others or at the center of the universe. Rather, it means having respect for ourselves even though we are imperfect. It entails caring about our lives and striving to become the people we want to be”. I do strive to become who I am called to be… but it doesn’t matter, I am not allowed to care about my life, nor about my body, nor about my mind… and even nor about my soul in some aspects (I can’t go mass).

I agree with absolutelly ALL the section of “Authentic Love” which I took pictures because it is too long to transcribe… but I would add: authentic love makes you closer with God Love and never blocks your relationship with Him. Even better: he/she is part of thar relationship with God, letting God speak to both as family.

Here are the pictures of the Authentic Love section. I agree with everything, as I said.

“The notion that love will endure forever without any change is unrealistic. Although love can last over a period of time, love takes on different forms as the relationship matures”. True… but at the same time, even in the middle of the changes, you keep walking to the same direction.

“Buscaglia (1992) critizes the phrase “to fall in love.” He contends that it is more accurate to say that “we grow in love”, which implies choice and effort….” Beautiful. I agree.

“Some of us are afraid that if we get too close to others they will certainly discover what we are really like”. 🙃

“Give your personal definition of love.” Growing together in communion, following God’s dreams: fiat mihi secundum caritatis tuam.

“Think about sime early decisions you made regarding your own ability to love or to be loved…” Yes, I do have thought implicitly that “I’m not lovable unless I meet others’ expectations. Also: “You are not lovable as you are, or you are not lovable unless you do as we say and be as we are”. It was a problematic view in my life, taught by my progenitors since child. I have overcame that… but I am so isolated I have no one to love, except my students, without them knowing me really.

“Do you agree with the proposition that you cannot fully love others unless you first love yourself?” Well… I would pharaphrase it a little bit: I cannot fully love others unless I first love God and so love myself as God loves me. Learning to love myself as God loves me was the change of my lifetime.

“In your journal, write about your personal story regarding love”. Well, its called “fiat Amor”, it is in my compass, very glowy, shinning everyday: learning to walk as He walks, to love as He loves, to grow as He grows, to give as He gives… learning how to fulfill His will with more and more faithfulness everyday, learning how to give Him light everyday, that is my Love Story that is a Lovefulll Story. 🙂

This is the end of chapter 6. What a chapter! I used the sharpie a lot 😂

I do appreciate that the book is non-ideological. I mean: it doesn’t mention anywhere, implicitly or explicitly, references to ideology of gender. I do agree with the notion of human love of this book, adding what I added previously.

Tomorrow’s chapter is about relationships. Let’s see if the non-ideological trend stands there too.

Here are the scales of today’s chapter

Let’s keep choosing to be a light!

I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Chapter 5]

In last night dream, when talking about my stressors, I literally complained about my students to Mikhael. I explained him what is happening: kids are angels in other classrooms, but very unruly in mine; they WANT me to scream at them, to be “hard”, and I am not that way, but they forced me to be that way, and I felt sooooooooo bad at myself… You rule them, I told Mikhael. He laughed: sorry, wrong department. This angel, commander of heavens and earth, doesn’t deal with unruly kids, he deals with unruly demons… I said to him I actually called “little demon” one of the kiddos while I was in the bathroom, as a joke, but I did… Mikhael laughed and looked at me very expresively, and told me to ask the intercession to the kids of Fatima. It was a very real and human conversation: my students are really behaving badly and I can’t do anything about it because it only happens with me. I did the prayer and began to cry… and Mikhael consoled me with this:

-Your way of ruling is different, is not that they are unruly… and that is all right. As a matter of fact, we had been waiting since 1492 for this kind of ruling, for this new fraternization.

-So, I am unfit to be a teacher? Teacher can’t be kind and fraternizers because kids will think you don’t have authority…

[Mikhael breathed deeply and with condescendent look]

-Your authority is another kind too… and they are learning that newness too… I know you hate to hear this, but this is what it gets to help to grow: you need to be patient. You are fit to teach in fraternazing ways… in ways never seen before and that should have happened since 1492.

-So, this is how tainos should have been taught, are you meaning?

[I thought about sharing this here, but here it goes]

-No one has the right to anul [anular] other culture, to anul another human beings, being Christian and to evangelize is being a fraternizer, not a colonizer, screaming at yelling and impossing, slaving and hitting cruelly the flesh and the soul, even inducing suicide…

[We had a conversation about what is being a fraternizer while he drawed me the wings of a butterfly in the face, something quite similar to taino paintings in the rocks…]

[Mikhael smiled tendenrly]

-Don’t stop teaching your students how to be children of the light, how to be butterflies of light [many, a lot, thousands of butterflies of light flew around us…] in the freedom of the Spirit that belongs to every brother and sister. That is how it should be… That is how it should have been since 1492…

[Clarification note here: one of the quotes my students painted in the Sagrary was “We are children of the light”… but I got a reprimand from the principal of the school and the dean of discipline for letting those kids draw with chalk in front of the church, it was a very dark moment for me: I had to bring the students to the classroom, and some to the office, and while I was in the office there was a call from the “tribunal de Bayamón” (court of Bayamon) for other person, but as I heard that I remembered the horrible experience I had there, I was treated like I was no one, a zero in the left, in my own judicial case (another forced hospitalization by my progenitors) while my male progenitor, who was abusing me, got all the attention, and it was excellent attention, I wasen’t even spoken of my own case or given any paper or explained what happened… in brief words, I got flashbacks of that horrible time there. Yes, those students are children of the light, as you can see in these pictures, but what happened when I was with that group was not exactly luminous

Here are the pictures of those students:]

So… as you can see, right now I am not mostly stressed by torture, but by unruly students and by being the outsider teacher of the school. Yes, that stresses me: having in each class at least one student, if not two or three, who behave like… well, not precisely like little angels… and not being able to have a discipline system that works… but bigger things are happening, things that I don’t understand, and not understanding sometimes can be a stressor too.

Leaving the professional/apostolic aspects behind, it is true that my progenitors have learned how to causme stress on purpose during the years. The two most recent examples of causing stress on purpose was making the car fail on purpose and causing an electrical failure in the house on purpose too, saying that is was an “electrical failure in the whole Puerto Rico” when it was only happening here.

They do master the “art of causing stress” quite well… so well, I didn’t noticed it for years, because they are the kind of persons that cause the stress and then give you the help to deal with the stress they cause themselves. It is a very covert way pf causing stress. but yes, they do enjoy to cause stress, including causing the loss of passports, drivers licences and ids, and other important personal belongings, but masking it as it was me loosing them.

One of my best ways to deal with stress is… good humor. Its not only me, Mikhael too does it. Like in this morning. Let me explain.

In last night dream Mikhael annointed me with flamming Holy Spirit annointing oil… but in a different way of other times. This time he used A LOT more oil than usual. I was like… you know, you are using too much oil. He smiled with good humor and said, with a gesture of a cross that was a blessing: by the power of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit… and the holy coffee. 😂 Curiously, the painting he made earlier in my face of a taino butterfly didn’t fade off with that amount of annnointing oil. I was absolutely glowy with that amount of annointment of the Holy Spirit, to say it in brief words.

I made a funny meme about that while I was walking and praying, after praying the rosary. You can see the picture of the meme here.

Then, right after that, I needed to make more coffee because I drank it all today. If you see my coffee mug, it is a giant mug, it is very hard to drink it all, but today my progenitors left and I could drink it all. Well, my progenitors made one of their moves and at some moment of the week they drawed a cross in the raw coffee can. You can see the picture here. They are even mimicking my longer-horizontal cross

I absolutely laughed when I saw that cross, with a lot of good humor, like Mikhael and Jesus Charity have taught me. I repeated the words: by the power of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit… and the Holy Coffee 😂😂😂

By the way, do you know what causes me stress also? Costco shopping, keeping myself in budget. Today I was supossed to spend about 125 dollars, but I spent 165. They give tasty samples, that carrot cake was awesome, and also have limited supply on flowers, so you need to buy more expensive flowers because those are the availables, and they have tasty stuff that tempts you, like the Frito Lays with chicharrones and platanutres… so yes, keeping myself on budget in Costco is also a stressor. 😂 Here you can see what I spent today 🙃

Well, all that being said, lets beging with Chapter 5

“Eustress, or good stress, provides us with the necessary motivation to strive for the best. A certain amount of stress can be a challenge and can help us draw attention to our reserves in finding creative solutions to the problems of everyday living.” You know what? It is the first time I read/know this term, and I have read a lot about stress. I agree: there is some stress that is possitive. Mother’s stress is possitive, as example.

“Our body or state of mind may be telling us that something in our life needs to change.” I do agree: stress, the distress way, is something that indicates that something needs to change. I have received that signal thousands of time from my body, but I can’t change my social slavery.

“Cultures that place a high value on cooperation and collectivism produce the least stress and also have the lowest rates of cancer. In collectivist cultures, supportive relationship are the norm, the elderly are respected and given an active role, and religious faith is valued”. Well… technically my faith have saved me from cancer, quite literally. You know it better than I.

“The opposite of internal control is helplessness, or a sense that life is controlled entirely by external forces”. My progenitors are EXPERTS in projecting and causing helplessness. They actually NEED to cause it, its kind of an obsession. Whatever way they can cause helplessness, they will cause it, including the use of torture to cause physical helplessness. As a matter of fact, as I am writing this they are causing drooling.

[After reading the environmental stressors part] You can call the toxic gasses my progenitor use a way to cause environmental stress that is also at the same time psychological due its extreme cruelty.

[Funny pause here before going to the Psychological stress part: there is a very good add of Borden cheese called “estrés, estrés, estrés”. Here is the screenshoot of the add in You Tube. Someone should do that add applied to teachers… 😂]

[After reading the psychological stress part] It is clear that my progenitors and theyr narcissistic monkeys are experts causing psychological stress. Yes, they do cause frustation and conflicts. There is not one of those examples that they haven’t caused on purpose, including traffic jams. They LOVE to cause psychological stress, its kind of something that makes them feel powerful.

“In our attemot to cope with everyday living, our bodies experience what is known as the fight-or-flight response”. After extremely painful tortures my body always go into a high alert mode. It is something I can’t avoid. I get jumpy and get anxious for small things.

“From Joy’s perspective, people generally become sick for one of two reasons: either because their life is too restricted for the person they potentially could become, or because their life is too expansive and exceeds their potential”. Add a third one, because others cause you to be sick. In my case, my progenitors cause my thyroid sickness, as example… but there is another very good example of this: when smokers get others sick with their smoke. By the way, I had been mentioned sometimes that some of the things I mention as symptoms are invented (psychosomatic). From 17 years olds, when it happened for the first time, it had happened several times, including in forced hospitalizations.

“Rather than viewing difficult situations as being catastrophic, they perceive them as an opportunity for growing and learning”. I am very good at that, in my very humble opinion…

“Hardiness is a buffer against distress and illness in coping with the stresses associated with change”. Well, that is a problem with me. I never become “hard”, nit even as a teacher. I don’t scream, impose, employ brute force… its simply not me.

Thought while reading ways to manage stress: defensiveness doesn’t work. Drugs and alcohols neither. When I have a burnout as a result of continual stress, what usually works is temporary distractions to help my body/mind to deal with the pain/tension meanwhile I give it meaning and transform it into radiation of new life. Example: walk, use of music, small painting. Yes, there are sometimes I can’t even think, and when I can’t think, I create.

“Your thoughts and what you tell yourself can contribute to your experience of stress”. You mean eustress. My thoughts are my refuge, not my source of distress.

“Too many of us take ourselves far too seriously and have a difficult time learning how to ejoy ourselves”. Not me, people, not me.

“Humor can be a powerful antidote to physical illness and stress”. I agree, as you can see in all what I have written before this.

“You can transform stress into strenght by taking steps to creatively cope with your stress”. Exactly, I got this [as I write that, my progenitor male enters into the house speaking loudly, very loudly, in speaker in his cellphone. I simply increase the volume of the music to not hear nothing]

“Make the time each day to do something that you enjoy”. That is something I am being told in prayer constantly: enjoy being together, because we will always be together. And of course, when you enjoy being with God and follow him everyday, you enjoy what you do and who you are… but I am asked quite often to do things that I enjoy, or joy breaks, simply for the sake of enjoy. It is like penance, but backwards: instead of doing something for suffering for the sake of God, you do things to enjoy for the sake of God. Its like going shopping: there always must be something to enjoy when I shop (big shoppings), it can’t be only needs.

“Time management”: as an official member of the olimpic team of procastinators, yes, I have had a hard time learning to time manage myself in a healthy way… but I have discovered that the worst root of my time management problems is the lack of good routines, either due lack of memory (due adhd) or because my progenitors destroy my routines creating changes on purpose, sometimes to the chaos extreme (yes, they love to destroy my routines, even spatial routines, changing things from where I place them). Other aspect of my time management problem is being unrealistic in what I propose to myself. Example: I wanted to finish this book for tomorrow, but the fact is that reading one chapter per day is the healthy way to read this book. Another very good example of my unrealistic time management goals is wanting to learn more than one third language at the same time. It is simply not possible for me, learning a new language takes a long time by itself, and even more time for me who has grammar fobias (my main problem with latin was not understanding grammar functions properly, for whatever reason).

Generally talking, what works best for me in time management is color coding chunks of time. I do this mentally, I don’t need an agenda. I have red time (working time, time of transportation, compromised time), yellow time (bringht time, time to enjoy) and blue time (rest time). Green colors are life stuff (getting a bath, clean, cook, so on). Thats it. I simply divide the time in chunks with colors. The are a few yellow color splashes (joy breaks) or blue splashes during a day full of red, of course, not everything is squared (cuadriculado). In brief words: I need to connect time to colors to function properly with time managent. Me and numbers don’t mix well in pure version, so colors are applied. 🙂

Money managent: there is simply no way I can manage my money properly, because it is never enough. I am always in jobs that have very low pay and I am always needing to ask money to my progenitors, so I depend 100% financially on them. If they don’t give me money, car, housing, I can’t survive… and they know well how to play with that.

Meditation: if you call meditation “prayer”, well, it is my main way to live, not only a way to deal with stress… but when I do have distress, my first way to deal with it is talking with Jesus Charity, pr my guardian angel, count on that.

“Meditation is a tool…” No, prayer for me is not a tool, is a way of life.

“One answer to our fragmented existence is to practice mindfulness…” You know, in the workshops I took at several hospitals in my forced hospitalizations that word was used a lot, and can be easily manipulated to mask real issues with “lack of mindfulness”. No, is not “lack of mindfulness”, its called abuse, psychological abuse and torture, you mental health jerk.

“Meditation is effective in creating a deep state of relaxation in a fairly short time”. It is true that I do have lower heart beats when I rest in Jesus Charity’s chest, heart to Heart.

“The idea of mindfulness is that we experience each moment fully”. It is curious. All that had been done around me have had the express purpose (propósito expreso) of distracting me from the present, whose reality was torture, cruelty and pain. That had been my present for these long time of social slavery. It is known, but instead of stopping it and creating a present full of dignity, you choose to false project futures that I can’t even imagine due torture and not being sure of survive toxic gassing and the consequences of torture and cruelty. So, are you acting against psychology on purpose, denying me not only truth and rule of law, but also present? Holy cow! 🐮 You know what I mean 🙃 I remember a very nasty excercise of “mindfulness” I was taught at RCM department of psychiatry: using the five senses (two things I smell, five things I see, four I hear, something like that)… well, that doesn’t work when the senses and your body are used to TORTURE you, and you are part of the torture, by the way (RCM was the biggest psychiatry department who was complicit with my progenitors forced hospitalization moves).

“Breathing is an effective way to control unhappiness, agitation, fear, anxiety and anger”. This is true… but you can simply ENJOY your breathing too. This is very easy: put yourself two silicone ear plugs, and you will hear your breathing non-stop.

“Like meditatioj and mindfulness, yoga is a way of life”. Nope, thats a mistake. Yoga is a body technique that can work for some. For me as a catholic I don’t practice nor allow the practice of yoga in my classroom precisely because some see it as a “way of life”. Jesus, comunicating with Him in prayer, is a way of life, not yoga, nor any other body/mind technique.

“Massage is a well known way to enhance health”. Even Jesus Charity agrees with that, the flamming Holy Spirit oil can be used as massage oil, but… you know, modesty in massage places can be something very scarce, so I don’t go to spas. I do know something: massage should be prescribed in psychiatrical hospitalizations. Its more helpful than yoga and chakras and whatever is named what I did as “relaxation excercise”, that being said with all due respect to the people who gave those therapies. Psychiatrical hospitals should provide therapeutic massage to their patients. You don’t need to undress a patient to provide therapeutic massage. Jesus have done it with wood massagers.

“How are you coping with stress?” I really have no way to propose myself specific ways to cope with stress because as soon they detect I have a specific way to cope with stress they will sabotage it.

“Am I spending my time the way I want to?” In the sense that I am spending my time loving God in everything I do, I am spending the time as I want to, but not the way I want to: I have told ten thousands of times I don’t want to remain a social slave, I want the truth be told and rule of law being applied, and I had been ignored all those times. Millions of times, probably, through this last decade.

“Am I accomplishing what I have set out to do each day? Is it what I wanted to do?” My biggest accomplishment is giving light to Jesus Charity everyday… but I think I am way delayed in milestones that should have been reached long ago by a person of my age: independent living, having a family, having a stable job with a decent income, own my health and my body, learning to using make up and to care of myself

“Am I feeling rushed?” For what?

“Am I spending too much time watching television?” I can’t see TV, I am not allowed.

“Am I balancing activities that I need to do with the ones I enjoy?” As I explained before, I have “enjoy penances” if you wanna call them that way, but in a consistent basis I also try to do what I need to do in a way I enjoy it. Example: bathing with a soap I really enjoy. Got it?

“How would I like to use time differently than I did last week?” This really applies to many last weeks: I would love to actually being able to teach instead of spending almost allof my teaching class time in disciplinary issues.

“How well am I currently manage time?” Well, I don’t truly own my time, so I can’t answer this. At any moment my progenitors can do something to destroy my schedule and steal my time, like they do love to do.

“List three to five things you can do to feel better when you are experiencing stress”. I really can’t have “stable things” to do when I am in stress because if they know it, they will destroy it… but I do know what works best when I am severely stressed: a good warm water bath, with the whole body inmersed in the bathtub. I don’t have bathtub now (as I said, if they know something helps me to relax consistently, they will destroy it)… really, if I am mad, stressed, anxious, angry, whatever high intensity emotion is… warm water calms me down and helps me to soothe. It also works with torture effects (if my body is in high-intensity state due severe torture).

“Identify some environmental sources of stress or other stresses that are externa, to you”. Nope. If they know what causes me more stress, more than what they already know, they will use it as a weapon. They will do/cause precisely that. Nope, I won’t answer this question.

“How stress affect your body?” You know, I have asked myself this. I have no idea of knowing this because I am forced to endure torture everyday, since a decade ago, since my lifetime ago. I have truly asked myself: how would my body change if my life could be different? I don’t mean plastic surgery: I mean my body functions. Would my heart rate be the same? Would my walking pace be the same? Would my thought processing speed be the same? Would my physical condition be the same? Would my menstrual cycle be the same? I don’t know. For at least the last decade, I had been exposed to torture and extremely high and even lethal distress, non-stop. I don’t know how my body behaves without distress. I don’t know how my body behaves “normally” because torture, cruelty and abuse are my normality and it had been severerly high in intensity during the whole last 12 to 15 years.

I won’t talk about coping systems beyond I have talked about it for the very same reasons I don’t talk about what causes me stress.

This is the end of chapter 5. I am truly enjoying this book. When I mentioned that I wanted to be prescribed a book and not medications, this is the kind of book I meant to be “prescribed”. It is an awesome book to process your personal growth pace and development upon what is happening around me and inside me.

Talking about stressors, adds are also a stressor to me. See this add… everyone has known the abuse committed by doctors who collaborated with my progenitor’s abuse, but no one stopped them. No one. This is an example of why adds are a stressor in my life: instead of acting according to rule of law, a false reality is projected. The false reality projected here is that action will be taken, and that had been a lie since forced hospitalization number one, about ten years ago. I had been denouncing actively how medicine and paychiatry in particular had been used to collaborate with the abuse of my progenitors since years ago.

So, here you have the scales of this chapter

Let’s keep choosing to be a light!

I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Chapter 4]

In last night dream Mikhael explained me that my well being was united to my fidelity to God’s new albor, to God’s living alliance. I will keep growing as long as I choose to be a light, as long as I keep choosing to remain loyal to His mandatum novum. That is well being: to keep growing until becoming the best person you can be, the saint, fulfilled and joyful people we are called to be.

So, lets begin with chapter 4.

“Do you take care of the physical you?” I am not allowed to take care of the physical me. Really, I am not. I only can bathe once per week. Here you can see a note that my progenitors left today, telling me that in a Saturday they want me to take a pill at 6:30 am, which I said no, because I need to pray before meds, but the fact is that I can’t sleep longer due needing to wake up early to not cross with them in the kitchen… and that also happens on Sunday. What my body needs is of no interest here: I am a slave, forced to take pills daily, simply for their pleasure of “enjoying power” through abuse, abuse that had been allowed by the authorities during years.

Here is what I answered, without knowing that this chapter would talk about the importance of sleeping

This is the most recent example of how being here makes me literally impossible to take care of my body. My body is obese, with fungus, with drooling, sometimes with nausea, dizzy, with vertigo, gassed with toxic gasses constantly… this will be a hard chapter to shallow, because if you reduce wellness to physical care… well, I am not allowed to have physical care. They even play with my soaps.

“Wellness: learning to accept responsability for our health” Are you kidding in this one? No, I don’t have ANY responsability for my health. And I mean it. I don’t even have air to breathe, water to drink , kitchen to eat, a bathroom to get a bath daily… that without mentioning the social exploitation in the doctors where I go. I stopped goig to medical appointments that are not forced. Its worthless. I have no control over my health nor over my body. I am constanly needing to pee and poo, besides having drooling, due the toxic gases in this house of torture.

“Rest and sleep, excercise, diet and nutrition, and spirituality are all aspects of well being”. Thank you for including spirituality. All the mental health services I have received deny spirituality as essential wellness aspect.

“Wellness is an active process consisting of concious choices we make in fashioning a healthy lifestyle”. So, if you don’t have the luxury of healthy choices, you don’t have wellness, right? If I am not given the space and the personal dignity to make the right choices, I am restraint of having wellness, it is denied to me? Just asking.

“Wellness is a lifestyle choice rather than one-time decision”. Agree. The same happens with “dietsl: they don’t work if they are not a lifestyle change.

“Wellness entails a lifelong process of taking care of our needs on all levels of functioning”. People, understand this: I am not ALLOWED to take care of my needs. I can’t have needs, or if I do have them, they mayor not be grantedto be fulfilled. But I can’t rake care of them by myself, and this applies in many levels of my life. I am not allowed to need clothes, they will steal and mutilate them. I am not allowed to have a bathroom according to my needs and style. I am not allowed to have a room with non-toxic air to breathe. I am not allowed needing a doctor to treat things they cause on purpose to cause dissability and suffering. I am not allowed to need money for the dogs’s simparica trio (they literally don’t mind the bed being filled with tics), they won’t pay it, but they will pay the operation for the cancerous mass they caused on the dog with toxic gassing… And I could keep mentioning ten thousand examples of needs I am not even ALLOWED to take care.

“Many of us know what to do, yet we do not accept the personal responsability that is required to be well. Some of us deny our part in our level of wellness. We may think of getting sick a something that is always beyong our control”. Well, yes, people, in my case, getting sick is always beyond my control. Even my thyroid issue is related with toxic gassing. You don’t know how social slavery work. They DO control all the medical aspects of your life, from the air you breathe to the food you are allowed to buy with the money they give you. They have caused me tachycardia, diarrea, increase in peeing, nausea, vomiting, vertigo, chest pain, headache, unconciousness, sleepiness, hipoxia (low blood oxigenation), nose bleeding, runny nose, pale gums, dilated pupils, tics, hair thinning and falling, fungus, rash, obesity, changes in my blood sugar tests, changes in other labs tests like thyroid, changes in my menstrual periods, hot flashes, turning me literally voiceless, cough with stertor… and I can keep mentioning. The do want to get me sick and they do get me sick, sometimes with toxic gassing, sometimes with fungus, sometimes with bacteria, sometimes even faking a whole psychiatric diagnosis like they did with the schizophrenia to make me unable to care for myself and to defend me legally (I am not believed in courts due them putting me forced hospitalization judge orders). So… in my case, getting sick is literally out of my control. As a matter of fact, they are causing me drooling right now. 🙃 It is curious, because the medicine that truly best worked for me, Adderall, was banned due “causing episodes of schizophrenia”. So, this is not only a matter of not being able to avoid getting sick: I can’t get the medicines I do truly need neither.

“Physicians report that it is not uncommon for patients to be more interested in getting pills and in removing their symptoms than vhanging a stressful lifestyle” You know, my experience with mental health providers had been all the opposite. Psychiatrists dont care your lifestyle (or what my progenitors to control it) they force the pills, no questions asked about lifestyle or feelings. You are not a person. You don’t have feelings. You are simply injected medication by force, the same way a cow is injected antibiotics, no questions asked, no rights of any kind whatsoever.

“Sleep is a fundamental aspect of being healthy”. Well, my progenitors are constantly telling me “don’t be healthy” because they LOVE to deprive me sleeping. They LOVE it. Usually they do it by causing me to go pee during the night, but they have several ways to deprive me sleeping. They have forced me to vomit in the middle of the night, and I have needed to clean the vomit, what takes even more time than needing to go outside to simply breathe, stop vomiting and not asphixiate yourself with your own vomit. I have also woken up in the middle of the night with tachycardia (high heart rate, over 200). That without mention using the false sounds of cat to make the dogs bark, or the neighbours putting very loud music to wake you up. They have PLENTY of choices to deprive me from sleep, and they do love it, because it is what affects more my functioning.

“A sedentary lifestyle is a hazard to health, for it increases all causes of mortality”. i love walking, but I have barely space to walk. If I go outside the room to walk, I will find stuff left by the progenitors for social exploitation/narcissistic abuse. If I go outside the house to walk I will be exposed to the conversations or smoking odors of my neighbour. So, I don’t have chains, but technically, I am not free to even go and get a walk. I loved to jump the rope and to use weights… the progenitors also used that as social exploitation/narcissistic abuse.

“Your daily diet affects your long-term health more than any other factor within your control”. You definitely don’t know what is being without food. Lack of food is not something that affects you long-term: its short term. When you don’t have food to eat, you are in stomach pain and you can’t barely function. Hunger is painful.

“Diet is one of the lifestyle factors over which we have a large degree of control”. I can go to Costco or Finca Pastoreo and buy whatever fits the space of the fridge and freezer… knowing that at any moment they can cause an electrical failure and I will loose all my meats and cold foods. They have actually done it, and more than once. That besides the factor that they do play with my food and have cause fungus to my food. So… nope, I have no control over my diet.

“Spiritually healthy individuals identify their own basic purpose in life; learn how to experience love, joy, peace, and fulfillment; and help themselves and others achieve their full potential”. True. Absolutely true.

“From our perspective, having a guiding personal philosophy is the core of wellness. Fiding meaning and purpose in your life is a never-ending spiritual process”. Agree

“Yet pur body can be eloquent in its expression of who we are. Much of our life history is revealed through our bodies”. I do highly respect my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit, I do truly believe I should care my body, but I am not allowed to take care of myself or my body. As a matter of fact, I am forced to endure torture and toxic gassing, and eat microwable food everyday.

“Dance is a popular way to teach people to “own” all parts of their bodies and to express themselves more harmoniously”. Even Jesus Charity agreed with that in its due moment. Dancing with someone is also a way to respect and be harmonious and “one” with his/her body.

“Touching is important for developing in healthy ways physically, psychologically, socially and intellectually”. Except for the ocasional hug of a student, my usual only physical touch are dogs. My progenitors had never been “touchers”: I didn’t received hugs as I grew up. I will forever miss heart to heart hugs with Jesus Charity. The deppth of those hugs is something I truly miss.

“Wellness means different things to different people. When you think of wellness, what aspects of your life do you most think of? Look at what you are doing to mantain a general state of wellness. How much of a priority do you place on wellness?” Well, you can see in the first paragraph of this text that wellness for me is mainly spiritual. I am not allowed any other kind of wellness, and that is because spiritual wellness is given by God in this case. My progenitors do have tried to destroy spiritual wellness, but that is one of the things they haven’t been able to destroy.

Because I have no choices granted (nor “willing to work” options) in my sleeping patterns, excercise patterns or eating patterns, I can’t answer more questions of the “Where Can I Go From Here?” section.

This is all for today. I can’t get out to brush my teeth because I am suposed to be sleeping and the progenitors are around. Yes, sometimes it happen. Let’s keep choosing to be a light! 🙃

I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Chapter 3]

In last night dream [in March 15] Mikhael explained me that the most important characteristic of a mature Christian is an “alliance vision” (una visión de alianza) that defines his or her whole life as an engagement of Love, as a “life delivered in unity”. The better you live your God-given alliance, the more mature you are. That is the way God wants to relate with His people, first in Egypt, when He freed His people from the slavery of Egypt and gave them His alliance in Mount Sinai… and also now, through Jesus who free us from sin and give us His alliance, His own living Body as living new albor, as living Sun that comes from the heights. We also have an alliance of Love with the Holy Spirit that make us grow in more and more communion as we incarnate more and more the mandatum novum: as we live charity more and more. That is also a sign of a mature kingdom of God: how we incarnate the Word of God, how we incarnate His mandatum novum, how we let His mandatum and His new albor beat in us and unite us and one people of God-Love, as one sacrament of Love…

Lets begin with Chapter 3

“Your passage through adulthood is cahracterized by the choices you make in response to the demands made on you; look for a pattern of choices in my life…” If you look for a pattern of choices in my life, the answer is clear: whatever gives light to Jesus Charity, that I do… whatever is more “fiat”, that I do… but I don’t really think the passage of my adulthood had been characterized by my own choices, I had been forced into an existence that is not mine to own nor give…

“Autonomy, or maturity, entails that you accept responsability for the consecuences of your choices rather than hold others accountable if you are not satisfied with the way your life is going”. Sorry, this doesn’t apply to me. Objectively talking, my progenitors had done as much as possible to don’t allow me to live my consecration to charity and to not fullfill my spousal alliance call (marriage). The crimes and tortures and crimes they have committed are horrendous, and you DO need a lot of maturity to objectively say: this is NOT your fault, but consecuences of THEIR choices. This is the problem of being technically a social slave, even in legal and medical senses: you are not accountable of what is done with you and of what happens with you. You know, I spent YEARS blaming myself of all this mess. Nope, no more. You need maturity to hold accountable who is really accountable. Sometimes it will be you, but in this case, very objectiverly, it is my progenitors who have commited the crimes and the tortures and the abuses. I am innocent.

“Maturity is not necessarily equal to independence and self-sufficiency”. True. I would add: it is not about age neither. You can be quite young and quite mature, or quite old and quite and ***hole. Sorry, quite a hellhole. 🙃

[Talking about maturity] “We must establish a solid sense of our unique self in the context of our connection to others”. What connections?! My progenitors have destroyed them all. I have no social connection. Yes, I do work, but they don’t know my true self, nobody does, I can’t tell the truth or I will be forced hospitalized or not believed due “being schizophrenic”.

“Optimum mental health involves creating relationships based on caring for others, or a sense of muthual empathy”. Well, I do that, but I am a slave of two individuals whose empathy is understood as a tool of social exploitation, so they really don’t possess empathy, they are sociopaths… and because I am a slave, I have no voice of my own.

“To what degree do you think you can live by your own standards and still be sensitive to the nees and wants of others?” I do live by my own values, but I can’t share those values with anyone, so… what others we are talking about?

“To what degree do you want to become more autonomous, even though this involves some risk?” It is not a choice for me. I am not allowed to be fully autonomous.

“Life scripting begins in infancy with subtle, nonverbal messages from our parents. During our earliest years, we learn much about worth as a person and our place in life. Later, life scripting pccurs in both subtle and direct ways” Without being concious of it, I was always VERY good getting the subtle part of the scripting. I always knew something was not right, but I though that what was not right was me.

Injuction: Don’t be. This lethal message is often guven nonverbally by the way parent hold (or not hold) the child. [People: my parents never hugged me]. Possible decisions: I’ll keep trying until I get you to love me [I tried too long].

Injuction: “Don’t be important” If you are constanly discounted when you speak, you are likely to believe you are uninportant [they did this when I was a child and still do it: los niños hablan cuando las gallinas mean]. I did exhibited my academic acomplishments while growing up.

Injuction: don’t be a child. Possible decisions: I’ll take care of othes and won’t ask much for myself. I never asked a lot for me first.

I won’t keep mentioning injuctions because they apply me all… but one of them is ESPECIALLY true as an adult

Injuction: “Dont be sane” and “Dont be well”: some children get attention only when they are physically sick or acting crazy. Possible decisions: I am crazy.

“What messages have I listened to and bought?” I am rare, I can’t socialize normally, creative people like Van Gogh have mental health problems (I was told this in front of my progenitors in RCM]

“How valid are the sources of these messages?” There is no validity.

“In what ways do I now continue to say self-defeating sentences to myself?” I don’t think I say anything outside the reality of slavery I am imposed. It is not self-sefeated: I am slaved, told constanly in every way possible, except verbal, that I am a dog (putting dogs stuff in my stuff and forcing to always be with dogs), that I have no personal identity of my own (i have no personal space, no intimacy, no choice in my medical legal terms, no voice to tell my own story and be believed, and that I should be dead (toxix gassing and torture, even when they know they are causing suicidal thoughts).

“To be at peace with yourself, you need to let go of festering resentements, to work through unresolved anger and to cease blamming others”. I am sorry, I do blame my progenitors: they are responsible og huge crimes and violations of human rights, but I do forgive them, I am quite at peace with that.

“Is this a time of generativity or of stagnation?” [It means middle adultohood] It is of social slavery. From 28 years old to right now, 37 years old, I had been social slave of my progenitors. As simple and plain as that. Authorities allowed it, and that is the most horrendous part of it.

Things I have done during this perios that make me feel best about me… The theilogy of light, Iesu Amor, the revolution of light…

“Do you feel productive?” No, I feel a social slave.

“Are there some things that you would definitely like to change in your life right now? What prevents you from making these changes?” I don’t want to be a social slave, but I can’t change that [as a matter of fact, the neighbours who collaborate with my progenitors put loud music as I wrote that.

“What questions have you raised about your life during this time?” Well, quite simple: do human rights really exist? I have great reasons to ask me so.

“What are some of the most important decisions you have made during this time of your life?” Be faithful to the alliance Jesus gave me.

“Imagine yourself beint old”. I can’t. Truly, I can’t. Not even today my life is guaranteed.

“Do you believe you are able to make new decisions? Do you think you are in control of your destiny?” I can’t take decisions, I am not granted that, I am a social slave, I am not granted even breathing pure air and bath daily. Nope, I am not in control of my destiny. I am drugged by force everyday. I am tortured everyday.

Until here chapter 3.

I was kind of… how to explain it. Should I have gone through these stages of adulthood? When it happened? I had been a slave such a long time I don’t remember what being an adult is. Really. I don’t eeven have my own clothes, my progenitors love to steal and mutilate my clothes. So many basic stuff for an adult are simply impossible for me.

That was just a general comment about reading this chapter.

Here are the scales/questions of this chapter:

PD: As I shared this, I was deprived of oxygen again by torture. I feel a light frontal headache, some light vertigo and nausea too. There are certain dificulties writting correctly too. Let’s keep choosing to be a light in the middle of the deep darkness around me. You know, usually people (pueblos) gain their “maturity” by armed revolutions. Puerto Rico will gain its maturity with a revolution of light, as we are going to learn from this the importance of seeing each other as a brother and a sister, not as a slave, not as an unequal citizen, like happens right now with our political relation with USA.

Of course, with this torture my progenitors are acting as slavers: you don’t have the right to breathe, the right to live. The same happens with USA: its telling Puerto Ricans “you don’t have the right to be us” after 5 pro-estadity referendums unheard by the Congress.

The time to stop all this is now, even if I die.

I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Second part of second chapter]

I prayed with Mikhael this chapter (what we have read until now, and it is not a mystery the topic of what we are going to read next) and he told me I must read it with forgiving attitude, not expecting anyone, especially my progenitors, to receive nor accept my forgiveness, but forgiving simply because it brings peace and fullfillment. He gave me an idea: to create together a forgiveness sign to give not to those who reject my forgiveness (nope, you shouldn’t give a sign of forgiveness if you know it won’t be accepted) but to other that would enjoy that sign, even if they don’t know what it is.

And we found out the perfect sign of forgiveness: we make a bake party. This is beautiful for many reasons. I loved to make cookies during my teen years and beyond, although now I forgot my recipes. I didn’t had a big oven todo them, so I used a small one. I remmeber going once to a neighbour house (who had collaborated with the abuse through the years) to make cookies, and he made an angry fuzz because it was expensive to use the oven. They did it th covert way (the wife said to him I was making cookies, to let me do it, but the husband was angry about it… they staged all) I never came back to that house to bake cookies. The aunt I mentioned yesterday (the one with the supossed breast cancer) at some period of time bought me pre-made cookie dough for doing them for family parties, and now I see why she did that, to mimick my enjoyment of baking and doing cookies. My progenitors also like to play with my bake sheets. I haven’t done from-scrath cookies in years. I dreamed to create original recipes for a family recipe book.

Mikhael chose something very beautiful to make our bake party: Easy bakes. You see, I wanted that toy when I was a girl and they didn’t buy it for me, not even for Christmas. It was quite cruel to do somethig like that. Well, Mikhael used that for the bake party, we did forgiveness cookies with Easy bakes. The people you give the cookies don’t need to know they are forgiveness cookies, you simply give them to let them enjoy them. In the case you know someone will accept your ask for forgiveness, or your given forgiveness, well, you can tell it, but you don’t need to tell it.

Mikhael explained it in terms of grace: when someone doesn’t receive a grace, other soul receives it. Forgiveness is a grace. When someone doesn’t receive it or even reject it, you can make cookies and let other person enjoy the grace.

It was a very beautiful and healer dream. I need to add to my Amazon wishlist Easy Bakes for my students. 🙂 With plenty of baking refills.

Now I am back from the school. After eating my dinner I began to sing “Even unto death” of Audrey Assad. As I finished the song I felt nauseous and with a little bit of vertigo. I took out the Apple watch to check the blood oxigenation, but I discovered that the watch checked the blood oxigenation automatically three minutes before. I was singing “Even unto death” at that moment already, but of course, I had no idea my Apple watch was checking out the blood oxigenation while I was doing that.

Here you can see my blood oxigenation while I sang “Even unto death”: 93% I was literally being oxigen deprived while singing “Even unto death”

I remembered the dream and I smiled: this is no hate land. We choose Love. We choose forgiveness, unconditional forgiveness, even while being oxygen deprived cruelly.

So… after this healing dream, we are ready to begin the part of the chapter of middle childhood and teen years.

“A key social ability in children is empathy, which involves understanding the feelings of others, being abke to take others’ perspective, and respecring the differences in how people feel about things”. You know, one of the things that have worried me more along the years witnessing institutional negligence and teachers and others using kids to abuse me is how these kids were going to learn empathy if they are taught or told that you can abuse others if told so or if being paid for doing so. Lack of empathy in children is always a red alert warning, either if it is lack of empathy towards classmates or towards the teachers or other people in school grounds. Really, trust me on this: one of the worst damage you can do to a kid is teaching him or her that lack of empathy is ok and even aceptable and normal. I truly hope the students I have taught along the years and that had been abused to abuse me can unlearn that lack of empathy.

“Can I identify in any ways with Helen’s feelings?” I do remember since kindergarten have a feeling of being different than other and needing to “hide” who I am, but I don’t really know from were that feeling came from. I loved to learn.

“What struggles did I experience in forming my self-concept? [in school]” It knew I was different, and even the teachers knew I was different, but I really never knew why, besides being described as “brilliant”, but strugling with the most easy tasks, like remembering to bring my materials. It was well in my adulthood years that I discovered the term “twice-exceptional” and I saw myself fully identified with the characteristics of twice-exceptional kids. I did not repressed nor denied I was different, but I had no idea of why neither. Being called “rare” at home didn’t helped neither. I felt I never “fit”… except with God. With God Father (I read the Bible since very early age, and I loved the Old Testament) and my guardian angel everything was OK. I did rationalize a lot, always looking for excuses, good excuses, to justify my differences. I also learned to compensate, doing extra of what I knew I was good to mask what I wasn’t good or couldn’t do right (like using a pizza when I was unable to learn fractions). If daydreaming is considered fantasy, I did fantasized a lot. I am an innate daydreamer, always seeking where I fit.

“[Preadolescents] cover up their need to be dependent by exaggerating their independence”. I exagerated my independence a lot while groing up. I even asked (and was allowed) to go to doctors appointments by my own, they simply signed. I always tried to do everything by my own and loved camps were I was wihout my parents. My excuse was being the older sister, so I needed to be more independent… the reality is, I was unconsciously aware I couldn’t depend on them and I didn’t wanted to depend on them.

“A crucial part of the identity-formation process is individuation, separating from our family system and establishing an identity based on our own experiences.” Can individuation began earlier than adolescence? My individuation began very early on, especially in one concrete aspect: prayer. I never prayed like my parents prayed, even my cathechists and religion teachers noticed my deeper prayer “skills”. I was not exactly seeking to individuate: it simply happened by its own.

“Forming a philosophy of life is a central task of adolescence”. So, a course like this one should be given in schools? One of the lasts chapter of this book si creating a philosophy of life. I do think these kind of topics should be discussed in school, so pur students are better prepared to be self-concious of who they are and who they are called to become. As a matter of fact, in High School-Middle School I would give 1 whole period of integractive sciences: one year education, one year psychology, one year humanities, one year proyect year. Yes, they shoud have the space to create a project that defines them, like writing a book, or creating a work of art, like I did with Iesu Amor.

“Although major life events during childhood and adolescence have an impact on the way that we think, feel, and behave in adult life, we are not hopelessly determined by such events. Instead, we can choose to change our attitude toward these events, which in turn will affect how we behave today”. True. My life is not determined by my abusive past, including in childhood and adolescence.

“When you reflect on your childhood and adolescent years, how did your ability to cope with experiences influence the way you cope with present life situations? What healthy coping mechanisms did you adopt? What maladaptative coping mechanisms did you adopt?” Well, I am kind of Elsa, of Frozen: I have learned to hide well and I do know how to hide well who I am. In the environments I am I know how to hide my contemplative giftedness, what not to say, what not to project, to seem like a normal person. Only Jesus knows me fully: I am nesciri to all else.

“Pictures often say more about you than words. What do your pictures tell about you?” You know, my third grade school picture was the most beautiful and happiest one of my school pictures in primary school, still it was my saddest year. Still, there is a “picture problem” with me: my progenitors never revealed the 35mm film of the pictures I took or they took of me, except with relatively rare ocassions, so my pictures literally dissapeared. They did it on purpose, of course. Besides that, I had an obsession with keeping my own pictures, I had the best of them, but while I was in Pamplona I had no space for my own pictures and I throwed them all. to the trash So I trashed my best childhood and infancy pictures myself simply due not having space for traveling with them. So… well, having pictures of me can be tricky. No videosnof me were taken on the infancy or survived if taken, not even in the kindergarten graduation, they destroyed it, I remember it. They did it covertedly, letting it get fungus.

This is the end of Chapter 2. I will do chapter 3 tomorrow.

As I write this, there is a general failure in the electrical system of this torture house. The solar power system, the whole system, is down. The only thing that keeps working is the air conditioner because its power comes fron the power grid. I do feel intense drooling, but current blood oxigenation level is 100%

It is the first time ever the electrical sytem fails completely since installed. Of course, is done on purpose. 🙃 Just now my progenitor male said a lie saying that there is not enough energy in the general power grid (the electricity that comes from the street, provided by LUMA) to keep the air conditioner on. I simply let him know clearly he was lying (I didn’t told him he was lying: I simply made the certain expresione and questions to let him be sure to see I was conscious of his lie) and let him do whatever he wanted (he left).

You know what? The air conditioner is actually getting a lot colder than usual.

The progenitor entered the room and shutted down herself the air conditioner saying “the system shutted down completely”. They are lying. I was explained once the air conditioner is feed from the street electricity. They simply want me to sleep bad with hot air. Is how they work: they impose their view of the reality. They say the air conditioner doesn’t work, they don’t really care what you say, they will do whatever they want. 🙃

Remember: they planned this. They planned to spoil the very own solar power system they themselves paid for. Probably to let my meats rotten in the unplugged fridge or something like that. They have done that before.

Now the electrical system is working… but they did a whole show, including entering in my room while talking with an “electrician”. As you may guess, nobody came to my room when the electricity was reinstalled. I knew it by my own, when going outside the room to take pictures of the scales of the book. As a matter of fact, now my air conditioner doesn’t work at all, although I have electricty in the room.ai can’t change of room: the bed of the other room is too low to be used.

When I asked why my air conditioner doesn’t worked, my progenitor frmale said that there was a general failure of electricity in Puerto Rico. Because I am using no social media and no news, I had no way to know if that was true. I opened ENDI.com to see if that was true… nope, there is no general electrical failure in Puerto Rico right now.

My best way to live is ignoring them. Sadly. Whatever they do, its with abusive purpose. Always. You can pray for the conversion of everyone, but at the same time, you do know no one can take that choice without grace, or forced. That means: they can commit and do commit the wrong choices, and you can’t do anything about that.

So, let’s keep choosing to forgive and to embrace mercy. Lets keep choosing to live a fulfilled life, a holy life, a happy life. Let’s keep choosing to be a light.

Here are the pictures of the scales: