I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Second part of second chapter]

I prayed with Mikhael this chapter (what we have read until now, and it is not a mystery the topic of what we are going to read next) and he told me I must read it with forgiving attitude, not expecting anyone, especially my progenitors, to receive nor accept my forgiveness, but forgiving simply because it brings peace and fullfillment. He gave me an idea: to create together a forgiveness sign to give not to those who reject my forgiveness (nope, you shouldn’t give a sign of forgiveness if you know it won’t be accepted) but to other that would enjoy that sign, even if they don’t know what it is.

And we found out the perfect sign of forgiveness: we make a bake party. This is beautiful for many reasons. I loved to make cookies during my teen years and beyond, although now I forgot my recipes. I didn’t had a big oven todo them, so I used a small one. I remmeber going once to a neighbour house (who had collaborated with the abuse through the years) to make cookies, and he made an angry fuzz because it was expensive to use the oven. They did it th covert way (the wife said to him I was making cookies, to let me do it, but the husband was angry about it… they staged all) I never came back to that house to bake cookies. The aunt I mentioned yesterday (the one with the supossed breast cancer) at some period of time bought me pre-made cookie dough for doing them for family parties, and now I see why she did that, to mimick my enjoyment of baking and doing cookies. My progenitors also like to play with my bake sheets. I haven’t done from-scrath cookies in years. I dreamed to create original recipes for a family recipe book.

Mikhael chose something very beautiful to make our bake party: Easy bakes. You see, I wanted that toy when I was a girl and they didn’t buy it for me, not even for Christmas. It was quite cruel to do somethig like that. Well, Mikhael used that for the bake party, we did forgiveness cookies with Easy bakes. The people you give the cookies don’t need to know they are forgiveness cookies, you simply give them to let them enjoy them. In the case you know someone will accept your ask for forgiveness, or your given forgiveness, well, you can tell it, but you don’t need to tell it.

Mikhael explained it in terms of grace: when someone doesn’t receive a grace, other soul receives it. Forgiveness is a grace. When someone doesn’t receive it or even reject it, you can make cookies and let other person enjoy the grace.

It was a very beautiful and healer dream. I need to add to my Amazon wishlist Easy Bakes for my students. 🙂 With plenty of baking refills.

Now I am back from the school. After eating my dinner I began to sing “Even unto death” of Audrey Assad. As I finished the song I felt nauseous and with a little bit of vertigo. I took out the Apple watch to check the blood oxigenation, but I discovered that the watch checked the blood oxigenation automatically three minutes before. I was singing “Even unto death” at that moment already, but of course, I had no idea my Apple watch was checking out the blood oxigenation while I was doing that.

Here you can see my blood oxigenation while I sang “Even unto death”: 93% I was literally being oxigen deprived while singing “Even unto death”

I remembered the dream and I smiled: this is no hate land. We choose Love. We choose forgiveness, unconditional forgiveness, even while being oxygen deprived cruelly.

So… after this healing dream, we are ready to begin the part of the chapter of middle childhood and teen years.

“A key social ability in children is empathy, which involves understanding the feelings of others, being abke to take others’ perspective, and respecring the differences in how people feel about things”. You know, one of the things that have worried me more along the years witnessing institutional negligence and teachers and others using kids to abuse me is how these kids were going to learn empathy if they are taught or told that you can abuse others if told so or if being paid for doing so. Lack of empathy in children is always a red alert warning, either if it is lack of empathy towards classmates or towards the teachers or other people in school grounds. Really, trust me on this: one of the worst damage you can do to a kid is teaching him or her that lack of empathy is ok and even aceptable and normal. I truly hope the students I have taught along the years and that had been abused to abuse me can unlearn that lack of empathy.

“Can I identify in any ways with Helen’s feelings?” I do remember since kindergarten have a feeling of being different than other and needing to “hide” who I am, but I don’t really know from were that feeling came from. I loved to learn.

“What struggles did I experience in forming my self-concept? [in school]” It knew I was different, and even the teachers knew I was different, but I really never knew why, besides being described as “brilliant”, but strugling with the most easy tasks, like remembering to bring my materials. It was well in my adulthood years that I discovered the term “twice-exceptional” and I saw myself fully identified with the characteristics of twice-exceptional kids. I did not repressed nor denied I was different, but I had no idea of why neither. Being called “rare” at home didn’t helped neither. I felt I never “fit”… except with God. With God Father (I read the Bible since very early age, and I loved the Old Testament) and my guardian angel everything was OK. I did rationalize a lot, always looking for excuses, good excuses, to justify my differences. I also learned to compensate, doing extra of what I knew I was good to mask what I wasn’t good or couldn’t do right (like using a pizza when I was unable to learn fractions). If daydreaming is considered fantasy, I did fantasized a lot. I am an innate daydreamer, always seeking where I fit.

“[Preadolescents] cover up their need to be dependent by exaggerating their independence”. I exagerated my independence a lot while groing up. I even asked (and was allowed) to go to doctors appointments by my own, they simply signed. I always tried to do everything by my own and loved camps were I was wihout my parents. My excuse was being the older sister, so I needed to be more independent… the reality is, I was unconsciously aware I couldn’t depend on them and I didn’t wanted to depend on them.

“A crucial part of the identity-formation process is individuation, separating from our family system and establishing an identity based on our own experiences.” Can individuation began earlier than adolescence? My individuation began very early on, especially in one concrete aspect: prayer. I never prayed like my parents prayed, even my cathechists and religion teachers noticed my deeper prayer “skills”. I was not exactly seeking to individuate: it simply happened by its own.

“Forming a philosophy of life is a central task of adolescence”. So, a course like this one should be given in schools? One of the lasts chapter of this book si creating a philosophy of life. I do think these kind of topics should be discussed in school, so pur students are better prepared to be self-concious of who they are and who they are called to become. As a matter of fact, in High School-Middle School I would give 1 whole period of integractive sciences: one year education, one year psychology, one year humanities, one year proyect year. Yes, they shoud have the space to create a project that defines them, like writing a book, or creating a work of art, like I did with Iesu Amor.

“Although major life events during childhood and adolescence have an impact on the way that we think, feel, and behave in adult life, we are not hopelessly determined by such events. Instead, we can choose to change our attitude toward these events, which in turn will affect how we behave today”. True. My life is not determined by my abusive past, including in childhood and adolescence.

“When you reflect on your childhood and adolescent years, how did your ability to cope with experiences influence the way you cope with present life situations? What healthy coping mechanisms did you adopt? What maladaptative coping mechanisms did you adopt?” Well, I am kind of Elsa, of Frozen: I have learned to hide well and I do know how to hide well who I am. In the environments I am I know how to hide my contemplative giftedness, what not to say, what not to project, to seem like a normal person. Only Jesus knows me fully: I am nesciri to all else.

“Pictures often say more about you than words. What do your pictures tell about you?” You know, my third grade school picture was the most beautiful and happiest one of my school pictures in primary school, still it was my saddest year. Still, there is a “picture problem” with me: my progenitors never revealed the 35mm film of the pictures I took or they took of me, except with relatively rare ocassions, so my pictures literally dissapeared. They did it on purpose, of course. Besides that, I had an obsession with keeping my own pictures, I had the best of them, but while I was in Pamplona I had no space for my own pictures and I throwed them all. to the trash So I trashed my best childhood and infancy pictures myself simply due not having space for traveling with them. So… well, having pictures of me can be tricky. No videosnof me were taken on the infancy or survived if taken, not even in the kindergarten graduation, they destroyed it, I remember it. They did it covertedly, letting it get fungus.

This is the end of Chapter 2. I will do chapter 3 tomorrow.

As I write this, there is a general failure in the electrical system of this torture house. The solar power system, the whole system, is down. The only thing that keeps working is the air conditioner because its power comes fron the power grid. I do feel intense drooling, but current blood oxigenation level is 100%

It is the first time ever the electrical sytem fails completely since installed. Of course, is done on purpose. 🙃 Just now my progenitor male said a lie saying that there is not enough energy in the general power grid (the electricity that comes from the street, provided by LUMA) to keep the air conditioner on. I simply let him know clearly he was lying (I didn’t told him he was lying: I simply made the certain expresione and questions to let him be sure to see I was conscious of his lie) and let him do whatever he wanted (he left).

You know what? The air conditioner is actually getting a lot colder than usual.

The progenitor entered the room and shutted down herself the air conditioner saying “the system shutted down completely”. They are lying. I was explained once the air conditioner is feed from the street electricity. They simply want me to sleep bad with hot air. Is how they work: they impose their view of the reality. They say the air conditioner doesn’t work, they don’t really care what you say, they will do whatever they want. 🙃

Remember: they planned this. They planned to spoil the very own solar power system they themselves paid for. Probably to let my meats rotten in the unplugged fridge or something like that. They have done that before.

Now the electrical system is working… but they did a whole show, including entering in my room while talking with an “electrician”. As you may guess, nobody came to my room when the electricity was reinstalled. I knew it by my own, when going outside the room to take pictures of the scales of the book. As a matter of fact, now my air conditioner doesn’t work at all, although I have electricty in the room.ai can’t change of room: the bed of the other room is too low to be used.

When I asked why my air conditioner doesn’t worked, my progenitor frmale said that there was a general failure of electricity in Puerto Rico. Because I am using no social media and no news, I had no way to know if that was true. I opened ENDI.com to see if that was true… nope, there is no general electrical failure in Puerto Rico right now.

My best way to live is ignoring them. Sadly. Whatever they do, its with abusive purpose. Always. You can pray for the conversion of everyone, but at the same time, you do know no one can take that choice without grace, or forced. That means: they can commit and do commit the wrong choices, and you can’t do anything about that.

So, let’s keep choosing to forgive and to embrace mercy. Lets keep choosing to live a fulfilled life, a holy life, a happy life. Let’s keep choosing to be a light.

Here are the pictures of the scales: