I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Chapter 6]

In last night dream Mikhael and I had a “Love Fest”: a beautiful agape holding hands together, what meant the unity that only the Holy Spirit can bring to walk together as Jesus Charity walks. It was beautiful, because while we were doing a work of art holding hands together I had tons of flashbacks of moments shared and lived with Jesus Charity through all these years: first with Mikhael as a little child, then as Jesus Eucharist, then as Jesus Charity, then as a New Albor Holy Family… I saw all the time we hold hands and hearts through all those years, how I received the alliance of charity, first in the heart, and the consecreation of charity… and it was beautiful to know that God loved me first, and always will. This agape unity is unbrekable, and full of new albor that grows in communion. God loves us first, and then gives our hand to who belongs through the power of the Holy Spirit that is capable to unite as agape. This was an agape that was a sharing joy and wonders instead of sharing snacks (you know, in chuches agapes are made to share snacks after mass or a retreat) but Mikhael do told me to not forget eating carrot cupcake when I woke up, so it was an agape feast that was a cupcake feast: everyone brings cupcakes of all kinds of flavors, as the charisms of the Holy Spirit. It is also something made (baked) with your hands and heart in unity, that why He mentioned cupcakes as agape feast… but that is not the essential part of the agape fest: its holdind hands together, and that is how you make this work of art: holding hands together in pure love, like Saint Joseph’s Love. We are called to live a Love that imitates the Sacred Hearts of the Holy Family, radiating more and more His new albor with a vision of new albor that us a pure vision of Love, a vision that sees the beautiful heart that God reveals through the Holy Spirit.

I will tell Mikhael’s dream more chronologically detailed. First he rubbed my eyes with a little bit of annointing oil (no, it wasn’t the lot of amount of anointing oil he used yesterday) and then my eyes were covered in glowy makeup: new albor eyes, flamming Holy Spirit eyes, but with a touch of pink, like the horizon in the dream. Dream is the color of dignity (sacramental, civil and human dignity) and tenderness. We need to see like the Holy Spirit to hold as we were going to hold. Then we went to a tabke with a bucked in the beach, that had the materials to cast our hands holding together. We casted our hands together, and that was the moment I had the whole amount of flashbacks, while the cast dried. We will always be heart by Heart together by the same alliance of charity. Then, we poured the white matter into the casted mold, and while that dried, we had our agape feast, celebrating the many charisms of the Holy Spirit that are flowing here. We made a cupcake feast, to be concrete, but an agape feast can be made with anything that is made with hands and heart in unity, because that also means unity of being and act and word and works. Then we painted the hands with seedism. We painted the beautiful new albor that in the dream is right in front of us, using a chalice and a paten, meaning that we are incarnating His Eucharist as we make family according to His plan, with the purity of Saint Joseph, fulfilling God’s dream with new albor vision as we plasmate the work of Love, the livint charity seeds, we are called to plasmate, to cultivate as we cultivate culture of new albor that radiates more and more new life that grows in communion… Then we talked about the practical stuff while painting (what to add to the Amazon Wishlist for my students, and what materials exactly to use [a wood palette, like the wood chalice, molds for casting holding hands with yeso])… and the last detail will be told during the day, but you should have seen it already. 🙂

That was the very joyful and beautiful last night dream… and it speak very loudly about my concept of Love. Amazon doesn’t understand me when they put kinky “love” search results like this one

Love, in the Holy Spirit, is not a merely physical thing: its agape. Agape can be also eros and even filios, but it is mainly agape first… and Amazon insists in erotic love only with their search result. That is how today’s society works.

We need to strive to a love that is pure, like Saint Joseph teaches us… but well, in my case, pure doesn’t mean clean body at all. I may have a beautiful pure heart, a heart full of virginity (our Blessed Mother told me so during the week), but… my body is dirty, and will remain dirty. I mean: I can only bath once per week, because technically don’t have bath ow my own to bath, and the only day I can bath in my progenitor’s bathroom is on Sunday, when they are consistently out of the house… but today, a Sunday, the progenitors are in the house, so I can’t bath for a second week in a row. Only my feet are extremely dirty, but I do like my bath with my handmade soap. In my circumstances, the worry is that the students notice that you don’t bathe daily. That has never happened, because I do change clothes often. But… what I mean is: loving with a pure heart is something beyond giving your body, you give yourself as living gift of the Spirit, as living Eucharist… and that is truly beautiful and joyful. You should have seen the old lady that was putting her hand in her husband’s buttocks in Costco, they should have been like 60 years old and they were still playful (ejem, in a little bit too public space) with each other and enjoying each other as a gift. That is key: enjoying communion, enjoying each other as the gift of the Holy Spirit you are. You can do it touching hands… or touching buttocks (if you are a husband and a wife, of course). You get the meaning: you need to touch the heart, whatever you touch, and touch with a clean heart, even if your body is extremely dirty.

The narcissistic rage happening right now in the house, with fast and furious moves, is such, that I made this meme…

Some people think that hate is the opposite of love. Others think that indiference is the opposite of love. I think demonic is the opposite of love: it is not-love, the hell of no-love, of not-giving-youself, not being able to grow together in communion nor enjoy each other in communion.

You know, Genesis says “grow and multiply”. What God meant was “enjoy yourselves as I meant you to enjoy yourselves”. Really, God pleases in us enjoy each other in communion, because He is communion.

As I write this, the neighbour screams to his daughters. I just sitted down in the tv room of this torture house, that is besides the neighbour’s house. It is his custom to scream or cough everytime I am in the “reachable” position to hear him (thats it: the bathroom or the TV room). He screamed to them in the moment I saw this on Instagram, and he screams again to them as I write this very same words.

No, people, screams are not my love language. They are screaming at this picture because I always have wanted to drink that vase they are holding in the picture, I have seen them in the Fiestas de la Calle San Sebastián, I think their names is “yardas”. All this mimicking, sabotage, screaming, invasion of privacy… thar reins around me, nope, is not my love language (the neighbour screams again to his daughters, so loudly that Minnie barks at him). My love language is communion: enjoying growing together in communion, enjoying everyone’s giftedness respecting each other as a unique gift of the Holy Spirit… I screamed to one of my students group on Friday because they made me to do what I didn’t wanted to do and I let them know it. One student told me: that is what you need to do, scream at us. I told her: I did it because you forced me to. I don’t believe in screaming at kids. I actually uttered “maldita sea” without saying it loud because they were interrupting the class non-stop, and although they are usually an “interruptive” class (they interrupt me a lot) well, on Friday it was non stop and I got frustrated because the topic was not difficult, but they didn’t let me give class, period. One student noticed what I uttered and I apologized to them. In all these years of teaching, I have never cursed, NEVER, in front of any student… until now. That was my level of frustration, it was like they were the ones giving the class, focused in the stuff I have in my classroom instead of what we should be kearning together in an enjoyable way, not in an authoritarian way, nor in a boring way. I got mad at the dean if discipline a few weeks ago because she said everyone wanted to be in my classroom only for the stuff I had in the classroom (that means: what I teach is worthless, what has value is the stuff that the classroom has) but suddenly… that is what is exactly happening, she is right: the students only value the play time, and if there is class at all, they want to finish it quick, to get to the creative learning time (the time in which they play). This was not this way, it became this way… but I don’t want to scream at them, like it happened in that class. Curiously enough, they expect you to scream at them, may be because that is what everybody else does, like my neighbours to their daughters (important factor here: their screaming is quite consistent with the times I am in places that I can hear them scream at them)… but I don’t believe in screaming or any kind of violence as love, nor as growthfull discipline. I told the student: you know you are doing it wrong, why you are doing it wrong, an only in my classroom? I had no answer. I don’t think violence and love can ever be compatible. Self-defence force is not violence: violence is using brute force in any form to impose yourself. When you respect someone you embrace him or her as he is and, in case of students and children, guide them to who they are called to be… but I have no right to impose myself to anyone, including children, or lack the respect of any of my students. They need to understand that there are consequences for their actions, and the main consequence of bad behaviour is not the fear to someone screaming at you: its that you won’t become the best person you can be. You need to believe in yourself and set yourself high standards.

There was another scream of my neighbour when I saw this on my instagram. My progenitors left that very same product in the kitchen weeks ago, that is why they are screaming (they see what I see in my iPad). And I used their pimientos for my chili jibaro recipe (my progenitors also left them in the kitchen).

That is the “love language” around me: psychological control moves. All kind of controls possible, that is love around me: social control, economic control, legal control, time control, space control, mind control, even environmental control (they control the air I breathe)… you name it, all kind of controlling behaviours are present here. They need to control who they “love”. Actually, the most similar think to an “I love you” that my progenitors have told me (they never hug nor say “I love you”) was while I was packing to one of their forced hospitalizations: my progenitor female said “we do this because we love you”. She meant the fake forced hospitalization and the forced injections and all loss of personal identity that implied what she was doing.

I forgot to mention two kinds of control: animal control (they made a puppy cry while I was putting the new albor bbq sauce in my garlic chicken wings… yes, they do try to control animal too, they torture them and cause them sickness on purpose…) and sensory control: control what you hear, see, smell, touch and taste. As I began to write this, the neighbours in another house that I call “the hate house” (it was literally built upon hate) raised the volume of regueton, a noise they know I hate.

I also forgot to mention another very specific way of controling, although I have i plied it with the forced injections: my progenitors with their abuse love to control my body, causing with torture, or with forced medicines, all kind of secondary effects and even causing sickness. What they actually wanted to cause me was brain cancer or breast cancer or any kind of cancer, because the toxic gasses they have used are very well known cancerigens. As I write this, I have increased peeing rate (one time per hour/our and a half) due their toxic gassing. I have felt drooling too. Well, love is not interested in controlling bodies neither, and this applies to a very broad view of the body: love doesn’t control what you wear, how and when you can bath, what you can use or not use in your body, and of course, doesn’t exploit/rape you sexually neither (my progenitors have exploited me sexually when they knew I was masturbating and instead of correcting it or talking with me they had ways to saw me masturbating and mocking the things I used to masturbate… the mere fact of recording someone intimate life is exploitative and controling to the core). You don’t kidnap people’s private lives when you truly love them. You respect their human rights unconditionally, all of them. You recognice them as persons and respect them as human beings unconditionally.

So… do I think love is controlling? Nope. Not at all. That is not the way Jesus Charity have taught to love. Love is free and freeing (libre y liberador), in the best sense of the word: it makes you change for the better and also makes you a helper to help others to change for the better, until becoming together the best person we can be, who we are meant to be, that in the case of a Christian, its clearly becoming a saint… a saint communion in-Love. Yes, Love is something very beautiful, very self-giving and very self-fullfilling in a sense that is not ordered only to the self, but to communion. We are created to communion, even in the social sense and in the biological sense (not only in the eclessial sense), and although it can requires sacrifice sometimes, like in the cross, it is always a sacrifice ordered to grow together in communion, to radiate more and more life in-Love. In word of John Paul II, the human person becomes a gift in the freedom of Love (General Audience, 16 January 1980), and man enters the world as a subject of Love and Truth (General Audience, 20 February 1980).

Sadly, I don’t remember which encyclical I am quoting, I don’t even remember which Pope I am quoting (yes, that’s very me, I know I read something somewhere, but don’t remember where) but the Catholic Magisterium teaches us that man would be unknown to himself without Love: God-Love reveals us who we are and who we are called to be, we can’t live without Love.

After all this being said, let’s begin with chapter six: Love

“Relationships require loving behaviour. In other words, there have to be consistency between my saying “I Love You” and how I behave toward you.” Agree. Totally agree.

“To fullu develop as a person and enjoy a meaningul existence, we need to care about others and have others care about us.” Well, nobody cares about me, and my life is full of Love…

“A loveless live is often lived in isolation and alienation.” Well, I am quite isolated, but my life is full of Love, while myprogenitors have all the social contacts of the world, and they got a loveless life…

“The need for love includes the need to know that our existence makes a difference to others”. In my last second grade class, when I wanted the class to be organized, a student said “que culito tan rico” (he didn’t meant me, but that is a very disrespectful comment to say in front of a teacher, and elsewhere). What I mean is: I don’t make a difference in anyones’s life, not even in my student’s lives… but the Love of God fills me and He do wants to need me, a creature, to give light to Him as Jesus Charity…

“I need to have someone in my life…” Better not needing anyone. Everybody lies. Nobody cares for the truth and the values you care most… so better not needing anyone.

“Our love for others or their love for us may enable us to live, even in conditions of extreme hardship. In the Nazi concentration camp where he was imprisoned, Frankl (1963) noted that some of those who kept alive the images of those they loved and retained some meause of hope survived the ordeal, whereas those who gave up hope of being united with loved ones sucumbed”. Well, what happens when the Love you want to be reunited with is in Heaven? Heaven can’t wait. So you don’t fear death at all. You don’t wish death because He doesn’t want to, but you do know there is nothing to fear there, because your Beloved is there. By the way, it is the first time I see Frankl quoted in non Christian editorials.

“Having love for ourselves does not mean having an exxagerated picture of how our own importance or placing ourselves above others or at the center of the universe. Rather, it means having respect for ourselves even though we are imperfect. It entails caring about our lives and striving to become the people we want to be”. I do strive to become who I am called to be… but it doesn’t matter, I am not allowed to care about my life, nor about my body, nor about my mind… and even nor about my soul in some aspects (I can’t go mass).

I agree with absolutelly ALL the section of “Authentic Love” which I took pictures because it is too long to transcribe… but I would add: authentic love makes you closer with God Love and never blocks your relationship with Him. Even better: he/she is part of thar relationship with God, letting God speak to both as family.

Here are the pictures of the Authentic Love section. I agree with everything, as I said.

“The notion that love will endure forever without any change is unrealistic. Although love can last over a period of time, love takes on different forms as the relationship matures”. True… but at the same time, even in the middle of the changes, you keep walking to the same direction.

“Buscaglia (1992) critizes the phrase “to fall in love.” He contends that it is more accurate to say that “we grow in love”, which implies choice and effort….” Beautiful. I agree.

“Some of us are afraid that if we get too close to others they will certainly discover what we are really like”. 🙃

“Give your personal definition of love.” Growing together in communion, following God’s dreams: fiat mihi secundum caritatis tuam.

“Think about sime early decisions you made regarding your own ability to love or to be loved…” Yes, I do have thought implicitly that “I’m not lovable unless I meet others’ expectations. Also: “You are not lovable as you are, or you are not lovable unless you do as we say and be as we are”. It was a problematic view in my life, taught by my progenitors since child. I have overcame that… but I am so isolated I have no one to love, except my students, without them knowing me really.

“Do you agree with the proposition that you cannot fully love others unless you first love yourself?” Well… I would pharaphrase it a little bit: I cannot fully love others unless I first love God and so love myself as God loves me. Learning to love myself as God loves me was the change of my lifetime.

“In your journal, write about your personal story regarding love”. Well, its called “fiat Amor”, it is in my compass, very glowy, shinning everyday: learning to walk as He walks, to love as He loves, to grow as He grows, to give as He gives… learning how to fulfill His will with more and more faithfulness everyday, learning how to give Him light everyday, that is my Love Story that is a Lovefulll Story. 🙂

This is the end of chapter 6. What a chapter! I used the sharpie a lot 😂

I do appreciate that the book is non-ideological. I mean: it doesn’t mention anywhere, implicitly or explicitly, references to ideology of gender. I do agree with the notion of human love of this book, adding what I added previously.

Tomorrow’s chapter is about relationships. Let’s see if the non-ideological trend stands there too.

Here are the scales of today’s chapter

Let’s keep choosing to be a light!