I Never Knew I Had A Choice [First half of Chapter 2]

I am beginning Chapter 2 of I Never Knew I Had a Choice on March 13, expectting to complete it on March 14. The chapter is tittled “Reviewing Your Childhood and Adolescence”. This will be a rocky road: if something is sure is that both are filled with trauma, even if I myself wasn’t able to see it until relatively recently.

The chapter begins affirming that “If you are an autonomous person, you are able to function without constant aproval or reasurrance, are sensitive to the needs of pthers, can effectively meet the demands of daily living, are willing to ask for help when it is needed, and can provide support for others. In essence, you have the ability both to stand alone and to stand by another person”… Well, if you define autonomous in those terms, yes, I am autonomous, with a very i portant observation: I have never been able to know if I can stand by another… erm… non-spiritual person. I know I can stand besides Jesus Charity, but I had never had the chance to know if I can stand by another livint human-flesh-touchable person. Understood? 🙃

“Chronological age is not the only index in considering physical, emotional and social age”. True. I swear my two progenitors have the emotional/social maturity of toddlers, always throwing hate passive-aggresive tantrums.

“The systemic view is that individuals cannot really be understood apart from the family system of which they are part”. In a kid, this is absolutely true. In an adult like me, it is true in other sense: as you know my family, you can understand how huge had been the obstacles I have overcome through my existence, with the help of God’s grace.

“Levinson (1996) writes that a developmental crisis occurs when an individual has a great difficulty meeting the tasks of the current period and that the individual often experiences moderate to severe crises during these transitional periods. The crises revolve around being caught between the ending of one phase of life and the beginning of another era in one’s development”. I do agree with these kind of crises, but there are another kind of crises: the growth crises, in which either you change or you go backwards and get stuck or even harm yourself. The growth crises may be or not be transitional crises. I don’t think all crises are transitional, as Levinson suggests.

“To a large extent, our lives are the result of the choices we make at each stage of life”… This is not always true. Not always the right choices are given, and you are forces to commit things you wouldn’t have done if given the right resources/role models. Think, as example, in a teen who never knew a positive male role model, because never knew his father, and simply have seen machist male role models, or even gang male role models. He ends in jail because he knew no better way to behave, nor had honest opportunities to get what he needed. Would you say that what that teen is living is the result of his own choices? I don’t think so. The situation is not rare. Thousands of narcos end there due lack of better opportunities, due lack of choices. This is why I strongly believe in giving better growth choices as a way to change the world for the better.

“From birth to age 2 infants are becoming acquainted with their world. Developmental psychologists contend that the child’s basic task in the first year of life is to develop a sense of trust in self, others, and the environment. Infants need to count on others; they need to sense that they are cared for and that the world is a secure place”. May be this is why I have at least two memories of prior age 2, one of them being pre-linguistic (I was not talking yet in one of them, I actually remembered the phonemes, now I don’t remember them, but I remember what happened: they took my blanket and throw it away), arpund 9-10 months old, when I began to walk. I know it because I remember myself in the trash can, the height, me trying to stand and take the blanket from the wood trash can (the wood cabinet was open). I remember that because I felt insecure and unsafe? Never thought it before. The other very early memory I have is running my trycicle very fast and it broke, and I got a very hard hit. That happened around age two or less. It was in a third floor, in a very large corridor around the house. The other early infancy memories I have are after those, I think. I do remember hurricane Hugo, they let me go out to the balcony. I also remember being taken away from a flood, but now I don’t trust what my progenitors said about that memory. The mirrow issue also was a problem.

“Attachment involves an emotional bonding with another who is perceived as a source of security”. A true problem for me, since very early age, was that I didn’t “feel like mommy or daddy (no me siento que soy como mamá ni como papá)”. I verbalized this since very early, having no idea of why. In third grade I went further “mommy and daddy don’t love me”. I was so severely reprimanded for saying that that I learned to hide my feelings. The problem of not seen myself neither as mom nor as dad persisted through life, and now that I know what I know I am proud of myself for that… but the fact is I never had attachments to any of them. I did had attachments to my teachers, that is for sure, but never to them. I also had an early attachment to the Eucharist: I do remember saying very early to my progenitor “Jerusalem is in heaven”, as we were going out from the parish (San Martín) contemplating the Eucharist. My progenitor mocked me cruelly: Jerusalem is not in heaven. At that early age, the moves were already being done (I was about six, five, no later than seven years at most).

“A sense of being loved during infancy is the best safeguard against fear, insecurity, and inadecuacy. Children who receive love from parents or other attachment figures generally have little difficulty accepting themselves, whereas children who feel unloved and rejected may find it very difficult to accept themselves. In addition, rejected children learn to mistrust the world and to view it primarily in terms of its ability to do them harm” Yes, people, this is true. During years I cried because I was the rare, always the rare. I resolved this in adulthood, but yes, the rejection of your parents, even if it is a covert rejection and the child is not exactly concious of it, does do harm to a child. It can be healed, of course. What happens in our infancy doesn’t need to define who we are as adults, if we become conscious of what happened and what to do to not repeat the harmful patterns of the infancy and childhood.

“Am I able to trust others? Myself?” Yes

“Am I willing to make myself known to a few selected people in my life?” That is not an option for me right now. There is no privacy possible.

“Do I basically accept myself as being OK, or do I seek confirmation outside of myself?” Excuse me, I am not OK, I am awesome, Jesus Charity says. He is my validation.

“How far will I go in my attempt to be liked? Do I need to be liked and approved by everyone?” For me, its rare to be liked, but I only need to be liked by Jesus.

“Am I in any way like Sally? Do I know of anyone who had experiences similar to hers?” No, I am not like her, I don’t feel like a child, I am a grown woman (as the Phil Collins’s song says: “I am a man [that I sing as “I am His”]). I am sorry for people like her.

“How much do I really know about my early years? What have I heard from my parents and extended famiky about my infancy and early childhood?” My progenitors have gone to the extend of faking an ultrasound of mine. I can’t trust anything what they said to me, including the story of my birth… but I do have infancy memories of my own.

“How was love expressed in my family?” In terms of interests. That always called my attention. Example: if I was given a gift, it was not exactly the toy I asked, but clothes or practical gifts. I was given what I hated, and forced to accept everything. This was this way even as adult with the gifts given as Christmas gifts by my aunts. Love was always somethign that depended on how convenient was what you were doing to their purposes. My parents never said me “I love you”, not even once, during infancy and childhood or adolescence. The most similar thing they have told, my female progenitor, was while I was taken away in a forced hospitalization: we do this for love (hacemos esto por amor). There was also a gesture that I still remember: after the operation I had at seventeen I had severe chest pain and trouble breating. I believed I was going to die because they did nothing and I was barely able to keep breathing due pain (in the hospital, they called it hiperventilation, a possible secondary effect reaction from anesthesia, but the nurse believed I was faking it… now we know it was something more creepy). My progenitors, when they finally did something, didn’t called an ambulance, they took me themselves to the ER. My progenitor female took my hand, but what she was really doing, now I know, was mimicking my guardian angel. I sweared to myseld I wouldn’t let them care for me, never, after that. They waited about eight hours of breathing struggle and chest pain to take me to the ER. No one understood love as I did: as unconditional. That was why I was so easily abused, because I was predisposed to love everyone unconditionally. Another example of how love was understood as interest is that you were more loved if you cleaned more, even when you were concious you were too young to do certain chores.

“We cannot change in a positive direction unless we stop blamming others for the way we are now”. I agree. I can blame them for the way I exist now, as a slave, but I absolutely don’t blame them for the way I AM now.

As I said in the previous blog post, I am loving this book.

Here are the scales of this section of the book.

PD: This was the blood oxigenation test I made after finishing this blogpost. I had a light headache while writing most of this.

That is how much they love me ❤️❤️❤️ The proportion of their “love” is the proportion of my blood oxigenation. They are not killing me, they are simply depriving me of oxygen. 🙃 By the way, my blood oxygenation in this house or in the cars had been as low as 82.

You are forgiven. No hate land here!

Now, imagine me tomorrow in the nurse screening of the endocrinologist, showing this picture.

Imagine them saying “its asthma”. That is what they are going to do, even if I explain them: it only happens inside the room.

Bullshit, people. You, medical professionals, have deliberately choosen through all these years not acting upon clear medical evidence of abuse. All doctors have done the same, eventually.

I am so tired of lies… and I won’t engage in more lies.

So, no medical care for me. 🙃

A final comment, while I hear the song “Truly, madly, deeply” as if Jesus Charity is singing with me…

As you may noticed, I shutted down my social media apps completely. Right now I stopped using Twitter, Instagram and Facebook completely. I have certain access to You Tube for professional uses, or if the progenitors force me to use music to go to take the forced pills without hearing what they are talking/hearing. My only current notifications are emails, for professional purposes. I am not even seeing news.

I simly got tired of begging: please, stop the grammar mistake game. Or please, stop the add game. Or please, stop the false proyection game or any other kind of mind game.

Guess what? I feel a lot less exploited without social media. Really. It can be something very gruesome to say, considering the social exploitation and social slavery I am subject from my progenitors… but I literally begged social media to stop playing with me and exploiting me handpicking content for my social media. I was unheard. Completely unheard.

According to my notion of being a charity influencer, you influence people to become the best person they can be as they live charity… and I don’t think the use of social media I was doing (forcedly: I had no other choice than tolerate the social media exploitation) was compatible with that, nor with evangelizing, my main purpose when socializing.

I think people should be able to reflect about their use of social media and don’t let themselves be moved by thrist of fame or power of influencing. I am very happy influencing only my students, even if they don’t know I am imfluencing them. I do it doing the best job I can. Influencing is not reaching many, is reaching everyone you can for the better, helping to grow in more communion, helping everyone you can reach to become the best person they can be. If I can only reach my students, with no use of social media, well, great.

We should reflect about our use of social media… and if it is cause of social slavery and social exploitation, being able to stop its use until the proper corrections are made.

And because I know the corrections won’t be made… my use of social media, all of them, is right now extremely low, no matter if that means loosing all social contact.

Of course, this means extra time to write blog posts…

Enjoy! 🙂

(I still had the light headache while writting all that. The dog vomited).

He also made a very strange poop, covered in a thick mucus. It has happened to me also, but not right now. I should have notice that Poppy, the dog that is vomitating and making strange poop, is in the floor. It is a fact that the lower the altitude, the most damage toxic gasses do. I am trying to put him in the bed.

Besides all that, this is the temperature of the room right now. It is hot.

To give you an idea of how hot it is, this was the temperature when arriving at the room, with no air conditioner on during the whole day

This is all for now. Enjoy the blog post time! 🙂

PD 2: Its 10:53 pm now. I went to sleep about 8:00 pm, after going to the bathroom hourly since 3 pm. Right now blood oxygenation is 95%. I woke up due needing to go to make pee, but I felt vertigo while getting up, besides headache. I also had small tremors along the body. As I said, my heart is no hate land. I forgive and keep sleeping and dreaming, oxigen deprived… but this is the definition of parental love here: control and torture. I left the bed for a second, for a very brief moment, and right now the vertigo and the frontal headache are very strong.

I Never Knew I had a Choice [Second half of Chapter 1]

I prayed the content of the Chapter 1 (what I read yesterday) in my dream, and Mikhael said something very beautiful to me: God Love does respect my choices. God Love does respect humanity’s choices. In the middle of a world where no one respect each other’s choices… God does.

As a matter of fact, Mikhael reminded me that God asked me if I wanted to give light to Jesus Charity, and I said yes… and that question had been repeated along the years. He repeated it in last night’s dream, and was beautiful, but also strange. Really, nobody respect my choices or ask me what I choose. I have begged the social media mind game to stop, and yesterday, even in the middle of the process of disconecting from social media, there they were: grammar mistakes, mind games, games with adds… That besides the fact that my progenitors does not give me the choice to be human and exist in a human way. Both sides are totally disrespectful to my choices.

In the middle of all that, there is all mighty God Love who asks if you would give Him light today, and again, and again…

Yes, my Lord and my Love. Fiat mihi secundum caritatis tuam. That is the choice that defines my life.

It is curious, because, as I explained yesterday, I think that everything can’t be allowed to be a choice. Death can’t be allowed to be a choice (my progenitors left a knife in the kitchen, and that is a death sign, they do that when they want to project death… it is a gruesome social abortion sign). No one can choose the death of someone else, and that includes abortion. Anything that is against human rights can be allowed as a choice if we choose to become the human fraternal family we are called to become.

Something is for sure: we are in a world were only certain choices are respected, those who are agree with certain interests and ideologies. God Love is not that way, for sure. His way to ask me, through Mikhael, if I want to give light to Him was beautiful and… very humbling.

Here is another detail about choices Mikhael just taught me.

Through the day, today, I learned that my dog Minnie had cancer. She was operated weeks ago of a mamary mass. Well, the mass was cancer, the biopsy says, but it didn’t metastatized. It was removed on time and now she needs a check up every six months to check up the cancer is not back. Her mother, Princess, had the same mass issue (still has one), but it is not an hereditary issue: this is consecuence of the toxic gassing in the room we are almost all the time, together.

So, why not me too?

As a matter of fact, years ago, many years ago, I had masses in my breast. I didn’t said anything. I didn’t seek treatment or diagnosis. I was too scared to need medical care, in the circumstances I was. Although I was still not completely concious of what was going on, I was concious enough to know: I don’t want to depend on my progenitors for medical care. I don’t want operations, I don’t want mammographies, I don’t want to depend on them to receive care, even if it is cancer care. I prefer to die of cancer. I told God that. I won’t seek treatment for this.

They dissapeared.

I had no idea then: the mamary masses were being caused by them, by the toxic gassing. I did had an aunt that, very dramatically and without invitationor even a trust relationship with me, went to my room and undressed her chest to show me the scars of her breast cancer operation. As I said, I had no trust to this aunt, and, as a matter of fact, now we know she had collaborated with the abuse through all these years. They planned me to have breast cancer, not only brain cancer.

I received the veterinary call about Minnie’s cancer while I was with students. I had no way to write what was going on inside me, so I chose to wait until now (lunch break) to write my inner reaction.

I told Mikhael while I was hearing the veterinary: this could be me. I had mammary masses too, but mine dissapeared.

Mikhael smiled: remember when you told that your choice was to giving light to Jesus Charity? That has consecuences for God too. He will make it possible, and if that requires healing you, He will.

So, I humbly know now: I was healed of breast cancer a few years ago, when I rejected to seek treatment for those mammary masses. I will have pre-cancerous nodules, in the thyroid…

And the story repeats again: tomorrow is the appointment with the endocrinologist and I won’t go, even if it is an appointmed made five months ago, simply because I don’t want to lie and say that what is happenning is hereditary. It is now. My thyroid have changed of sizes through the years. This is not exactly hypothyroidism. This is toxic poisoning via toxic gassing. They knew it too. They fabricated the “need” of thyroid medication of my progenitor so there is a “family history” of hipothyroidism. I do have the antibodies, but it is for sure: it is consecuence of the toxic gassing too.

Mikhael knows I won’t go to the appointment. Once again, I prefer the cancer than depend on them to go to treatments and operations.

Please, stop for a second and pray for all those brothers and sisters with serious illnesses like cancer, diabetes, neurological disorders… illnessess that are treatable, or may be some can be terminal… but they don’t seek medical treatment, even if they could survive if they receive the proper medical treatment, simply because they don’t want to be cared, or have no one to care for them because they are rejected by their family or even my the medical personel. That is, basically, how euthanasia works: you prefer to die than to be cared until your natural death. Its a very terrible circumstance. God doesn’t want euthanasia, that is why He allowed the miracle. The situation then is the same situation now: I can’t be cared, either by the medical center who would have treated me and diagnosed me initiatially (I had been harassed in medical centers too; they had the chance of recognice the abuse and report it, and they didn’t, they deliberately ignored evidence, as had happened in every forced hospitalization) or either by my biological family. In the past my thyroid had recovered by itself. I guess it will happen again, because I won’t seek medical treatment of any kind.

So many situations of my life comes through my eyes right now: things that no parent would have overlooked, but mine did, on purpose, for doing damage. I don’t mean toxic gassing now. I mean, as example, not seeking help for me when it was evident I didn’t learned the way my classmates learned. Now we know: I was twice-exceptional. I am both gifted and ADHD. I needed learning and growing support that I was not given… on purpose.

How cruel…

Well, lets forgive and keep reading Chapter 1. I actually did a forgiveness prayer today when I passed by besides the place I lived my first four years of life.

Chapter 1…

I am continuing in page 23: multiple intelligence theory. I studied this in the Education Faculty, as part of my studies to become teacher. I do agree with the author: emotional intelligence must be taught more, it tends to not be emphasized. I also agree with the authors when they say that we must take responsability of our own learning, but my problem is trying to learn too many new things at the same time, because I love learning and I need to learn to control myself and know my limits. I have learned that the hard way, after many class failures and drop outs simply because I took a too big class load. That besides the fact that I learn creatively and that requires extra time per class to do your creations needed to memorize stuff that others simply memorize memotechnically. Of course, my time management skills are awful (I am an innate procastinator) and my study habits depend more on my passion to learn than on needing to study for a test. I hate tests, did I mentioned it?

In one of the questionary questions, the authors asks “What are you willing to do to become actively involved in your learning?”

One of the options say: “I am willing to read the material and think how it applies to me”.

Well, that is my quid while learning: I apply everything to the personal formation, and of course that includes my own personal formation. What I don’t apply that way, I don’t learn it. Period. It even becomes boring. I hate taking classes simply because I must take them and memorize whatever they say abstractly.

The authors also say that “This course is likely to be different from many of the courses you have taken. Few courses deal primarily with you as subject matter. Most college courses challenge you intellectually, but this book is geared toward integrating intellectual and personal learning. To a large degree, what you get frok this course depend on what you are willing to invest of yourself”. I would have loved to take such kind of course. I have never taken a course like this, and I am glad of finding this book. 🙂

“Each of the 14 chapters can be read separately” Good to know.

“Chapter 13 contains a detailed discussion of formulating your philosophy of life, and some instructors assign some type of philosophy of life paper as course project”. I like that idea.

In the summary the authors say that “We do not have to live by the plans that others have designed for us. With awareness we can begin to design our own blueprints and to make significant choices”.

I will paraphrase that: “We do not have to live by the slavery chains that others have designed for us. With awareness we can begin to design our own blueprints and to make significant choices”. Got it, right?

The authors also say in that summary that “growth is a lifelong process of expanding self-awareness and accepting new challenges”. I will also paraphrase that: “growth is a lifelong process of expanding self-awareness and accepting new challenges to become the best person we can be”. Not all kind of challenges are healthy challenges: growth challenges are those that help us to become the best person we can be.

“Self-actualization is not something that we do in isolation; rather, it is through meaningful relationships with others and through social interest that we discover and become the persons we are capable of becoming”. Well, I am proving you wrong. 🙃

“This course can be a first step on the journey toward achieving your personal goals and living a self-actualization existence while at the same time contributing to make the world a better place”. What a beautiful sentence to read in a class syllabus!

“Do bot feel compelled to complete all the activities; select those that have the most meaning for you at this time in your life”…. Ahhhhhhhhh, a class that actually cares for what it means to you what you study/do… 😲

“To what degree Maslow’s characteristics of self-actualization are part of your personality?” Self-awareness, trust, honesty and caring are firmly part of my personality. Freedom is not. I would lie if I say I am free at the same time I am forced to be injected like a cow and to exist like a social slave of my progenitors, and I am not autonomous neither, I am in a dependant web, always depending on my progenitors, especially economically. They know it and like to inforce it strongly (lack of freedom and dependance traits). As a matter of fact, they do “know” Maslow’s pyramid. I have actually commented several times that what they do seems to force me to live a survival live mode, always pending of basic needs, either safety needs or physical needs, or even lack of affection (love needs) in order to unfocus me to grow and become the best person I can be (what Maslow calls “self-actualization”). Really, sunce the very first time I saw the pyramid I thought: that is what happens at home, I am always thinking in other needs that distracting from growing and become “self-actualized” (in the top of the pyramid). The only need they reeeeeeeeally have a hard time playing with is ego: it is really difficult to make me feel disrespected, because God respects me, as I explained in the beginning of this blog post. The same applies to the love need: God loves me, so whatever my progenitors make to hate me, I don’t care.

“Do you think Maslow’s ideal of self-actualization fits for individuals of all cultural and ethnic groups? Are any characteristics inapropiate for certain cultures?” Generally speaking, they do fit all cultures, and that is why is so fascinating for me studying self-actualization (which, as I have said, I haven’t studied before deeply, it was only mentioned in the course of Psychology of Education as part of studying the whole pyramid): it applies to everyone. That is what the integractive personal formation model strives: to apply to everyone, equally. It is not a matter of impose ideas, it is not a matter of impose a specific way of growth: it is supossed to define what personal formation processes are, so it can be sistematically studied/observed.

The book offers the Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligence scale. I did the test, I made all the calculations and I got perfect score in two multiple intelligences: verbal and intrapersonal. I am surprised to see such a low score in visual/spatial (19) because I have always thought I learn better visual/spatially.

Here are my total scores:

Verbal/linguistic: 35/35

Musical/rhytmic: 18/35

Logical/mathematical: 19/35

Visual/spatial: 19/35

Bodily/kinesthetic: 21/35

Intrapersonal: 35/35

Interpesonal: 29/35

As you can see, I am awfulunderstanding music sheets, but I do love music. As a matter of fact, I am using music to focus more as I write this. I am hearing “Gratia Plena”, of Andrea Bocelli.

By the way, the progenitors had been causing me to go pee once per hour while doing this. 🙃

This would be the end of Chapter 1, and the end of this blog post.

I am truly enjoing this book. 🙂 These scales are more helpful than all the ones I had done through these years.

Here you can see photos of the scales pf the second half of Chapter 1