I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Chapter 3]

In last night dream [in March 15] Mikhael explained me that the most important characteristic of a mature Christian is an “alliance vision” (una visión de alianza) that defines his or her whole life as an engagement of Love, as a “life delivered in unity”. The better you live your God-given alliance, the more mature you are. That is the way God wants to relate with His people, first in Egypt, when He freed His people from the slavery of Egypt and gave them His alliance in Mount Sinai… and also now, through Jesus who free us from sin and give us His alliance, His own living Body as living new albor, as living Sun that comes from the heights. We also have an alliance of Love with the Holy Spirit that make us grow in more and more communion as we incarnate more and more the mandatum novum: as we live charity more and more. That is also a sign of a mature kingdom of God: how we incarnate the Word of God, how we incarnate His mandatum novum, how we let His mandatum and His new albor beat in us and unite us and one people of God-Love, as one sacrament of Love…

Lets begin with Chapter 3

“Your passage through adulthood is cahracterized by the choices you make in response to the demands made on you; look for a pattern of choices in my life…” If you look for a pattern of choices in my life, the answer is clear: whatever gives light to Jesus Charity, that I do… whatever is more “fiat”, that I do… but I don’t really think the passage of my adulthood had been characterized by my own choices, I had been forced into an existence that is not mine to own nor give…

“Autonomy, or maturity, entails that you accept responsability for the consecuences of your choices rather than hold others accountable if you are not satisfied with the way your life is going”. Sorry, this doesn’t apply to me. Objectively talking, my progenitors had done as much as possible to don’t allow me to live my consecration to charity and to not fullfill my spousal alliance call (marriage). The crimes and tortures and crimes they have committed are horrendous, and you DO need a lot of maturity to objectively say: this is NOT your fault, but consecuences of THEIR choices. This is the problem of being technically a social slave, even in legal and medical senses: you are not accountable of what is done with you and of what happens with you. You know, I spent YEARS blaming myself of all this mess. Nope, no more. You need maturity to hold accountable who is really accountable. Sometimes it will be you, but in this case, very objectiverly, it is my progenitors who have commited the crimes and the tortures and the abuses. I am innocent.

“Maturity is not necessarily equal to independence and self-sufficiency”. True. I would add: it is not about age neither. You can be quite young and quite mature, or quite old and quite and ***hole. Sorry, quite a hellhole. 🙃

[Talking about maturity] “We must establish a solid sense of our unique self in the context of our connection to others”. What connections?! My progenitors have destroyed them all. I have no social connection. Yes, I do work, but they don’t know my true self, nobody does, I can’t tell the truth or I will be forced hospitalized or not believed due “being schizophrenic”.

“Optimum mental health involves creating relationships based on caring for others, or a sense of muthual empathy”. Well, I do that, but I am a slave of two individuals whose empathy is understood as a tool of social exploitation, so they really don’t possess empathy, they are sociopaths… and because I am a slave, I have no voice of my own.

“To what degree do you think you can live by your own standards and still be sensitive to the nees and wants of others?” I do live by my own values, but I can’t share those values with anyone, so… what others we are talking about?

“To what degree do you want to become more autonomous, even though this involves some risk?” It is not a choice for me. I am not allowed to be fully autonomous.

“Life scripting begins in infancy with subtle, nonverbal messages from our parents. During our earliest years, we learn much about worth as a person and our place in life. Later, life scripting pccurs in both subtle and direct ways” Without being concious of it, I was always VERY good getting the subtle part of the scripting. I always knew something was not right, but I though that what was not right was me.

Injuction: Don’t be. This lethal message is often guven nonverbally by the way parent hold (or not hold) the child. [People: my parents never hugged me]. Possible decisions: I’ll keep trying until I get you to love me [I tried too long].

Injuction: “Don’t be important” If you are constanly discounted when you speak, you are likely to believe you are uninportant [they did this when I was a child and still do it: los niños hablan cuando las gallinas mean]. I did exhibited my academic acomplishments while growing up.

Injuction: don’t be a child. Possible decisions: I’ll take care of othes and won’t ask much for myself. I never asked a lot for me first.

I won’t keep mentioning injuctions because they apply me all… but one of them is ESPECIALLY true as an adult

Injuction: “Dont be sane” and “Dont be well”: some children get attention only when they are physically sick or acting crazy. Possible decisions: I am crazy.

“What messages have I listened to and bought?” I am rare, I can’t socialize normally, creative people like Van Gogh have mental health problems (I was told this in front of my progenitors in RCM]

“How valid are the sources of these messages?” There is no validity.

“In what ways do I now continue to say self-defeating sentences to myself?” I don’t think I say anything outside the reality of slavery I am imposed. It is not self-sefeated: I am slaved, told constanly in every way possible, except verbal, that I am a dog (putting dogs stuff in my stuff and forcing to always be with dogs), that I have no personal identity of my own (i have no personal space, no intimacy, no choice in my medical legal terms, no voice to tell my own story and be believed, and that I should be dead (toxix gassing and torture, even when they know they are causing suicidal thoughts).

“To be at peace with yourself, you need to let go of festering resentements, to work through unresolved anger and to cease blamming others”. I am sorry, I do blame my progenitors: they are responsible og huge crimes and violations of human rights, but I do forgive them, I am quite at peace with that.

“Is this a time of generativity or of stagnation?” [It means middle adultohood] It is of social slavery. From 28 years old to right now, 37 years old, I had been social slave of my progenitors. As simple and plain as that. Authorities allowed it, and that is the most horrendous part of it.

Things I have done during this perios that make me feel best about me… The theilogy of light, Iesu Amor, the revolution of light…

“Do you feel productive?” No, I feel a social slave.

“Are there some things that you would definitely like to change in your life right now? What prevents you from making these changes?” I don’t want to be a social slave, but I can’t change that [as a matter of fact, the neighbours who collaborate with my progenitors put loud music as I wrote that.

“What questions have you raised about your life during this time?” Well, quite simple: do human rights really exist? I have great reasons to ask me so.

“What are some of the most important decisions you have made during this time of your life?” Be faithful to the alliance Jesus gave me.

“Imagine yourself beint old”. I can’t. Truly, I can’t. Not even today my life is guaranteed.

“Do you believe you are able to make new decisions? Do you think you are in control of your destiny?” I can’t take decisions, I am not granted that, I am a social slave, I am not granted even breathing pure air and bath daily. Nope, I am not in control of my destiny. I am drugged by force everyday. I am tortured everyday.

Until here chapter 3.

I was kind of… how to explain it. Should I have gone through these stages of adulthood? When it happened? I had been a slave such a long time I don’t remember what being an adult is. Really. I don’t eeven have my own clothes, my progenitors love to steal and mutilate my clothes. So many basic stuff for an adult are simply impossible for me.

That was just a general comment about reading this chapter.

Here are the scales/questions of this chapter:

PD: As I shared this, I was deprived of oxygen again by torture. I feel a light frontal headache, some light vertigo and nausea too. There are certain dificulties writting correctly too. Let’s keep choosing to be a light in the middle of the deep darkness around me. You know, usually people (pueblos) gain their “maturity” by armed revolutions. Puerto Rico will gain its maturity with a revolution of light, as we are going to learn from this the importance of seeing each other as a brother and a sister, not as a slave, not as an unequal citizen, like happens right now with our political relation with USA.

Of course, with this torture my progenitors are acting as slavers: you don’t have the right to breathe, the right to live. The same happens with USA: its telling Puerto Ricans “you don’t have the right to be us” after 5 pro-estadity referendums unheard by the Congress.

The time to stop all this is now, even if I die.