I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Chapters 10, 11 and 12]

In last night dream Mikhael asked me to gather all the art works we have done in the last days: the hands, the sparkling New Albor Holy family and the painted art palette. Then he said me with a wide smile: they alll need a final touch… splashes of metallic orange, splashes of flamming Holy Spirit that grows in more and more communion… I agreed, of course. As we were splashing them with metallic orange, he explained that all those works were a beautiful testimony of God Love-with-us, and that we are called to give testimony of God-Love incarnated with even bigger works… because we, people of God, are like goldfishes.

I smiled. I knew what he meant. You need to see the movie Big Fish to understand him. Please see the scene of the goldfish: the goldfishes grow ws big as the tank you place them. Please see the next scene of Big Fis to understand better what Mikhael meant.

Mikhael took a beautiful flamming Holy Spirit goldfish (an orange goldfish, like the painting we were using) and said: you know, the Holy Spirit is free, and you, people of the new albor, are called to be free as the Holy Spirit, roaming… in a way bigger… erm… “tank”. If you wanna call it “tank”, I mean…

I smiled. I had no idea what he meant, but he was being so joyful I couldn’t stop smiling.

Then I knew what he meant: he took the goldfish and threw him into the sea from the bowl as he blessed the fish, but couldn’t end the blessing due my scream.

I screamed: you are going to KILL the goldfish! They are sweet water fishes, you threw him into SALT water…

He smiled again… You know, like it happens in Big Fish (the movie), this is a sign… this goldfish is created for the freedom of the Holy Spirit. These waters are reborn water: you, people of the new albor, are reborn in the flamming Holy Spirit giftedness of new life that grows in communion… Don’t be scared of the freedom of the Spirit, that can perfectly can make a goldfish swim in the sea if he wants to, and He wants to this time… but for your students, give them fish tanks, decent fish tanks for big orange goldfishes, so they can remember the freedom of the Spirit, and make them create an ocean wallpaper for the fish tank, you know, starry night style, but a whole ocean… so they can see how they are called to abolish anything that stops them growing as the Holy Spirit calls them to grow: as saints, as beacons that radiate living Eucharist, as stars of heaven, as the living sacramental family you are called to be (not slaves), as living seeds of charity that brings new life in the Spirit, as the the best person you can be, growing as wonderful works of Love, big works of Love, bigger and bigger works of Love as you keep growing in more and more communion, as you are called by the Spirit to be, do, grow, glow and gloom… always keep growing in communion!

I smiled… and looked at him very sincerely: the goldfish may be a little scared of such a big “new tank”, you know…

He caressed my cheek tenderly (Él acarició my mejilla con ternura)… “Don’t be, my darling, my beautiful princess of Heaven…”

As he did that, I felt warmth in my eyes. I looked at my face in the reflection of his eyes: now I had metallic orange in the eyes too. The orange I used as eyeshadow was not metallic… now I had both metallic and non-metallic, besides the pink I got new on Sunday.

“Never be afraid of the freedom of the Holy Spirit, that acts as He likes, when He likes, how He likes, with whom He likes, where He likes…”

We created an ocean “starry night” wallpaper for a quite big fish tank, it would be a good school pet tank, but each classroom should have a smaller goldfish tank remembering the freedom of thr Spirit, and the kids are the ones who are meant to care for the fish… Mikhael mentioned that most live on earth is on the oceans, we must care them, but I have no idea if that is a fact or a… “sign”, because then he said the life of the Church is in the Holy Spirit, “this is an ocean of grace, this is the time of the Spirit, may the waters keep flowing, may the blessings keep flowing, may new life keep growing and glowing and blooming…”

So, today’s question of Mikhael is: how to you become the bigger work of Love you are called to be —bigger and bigger living work of Love— to give witness of God-Love-with-us, of how He is Jesus Charity that makes all things anew?

The dream ended with Mikhael hugging me and blessing me tenderly:

The LORD bless you and keep you!

The LORD let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you!

The LORD look upon you kindly and give you peace!

Then, after I woke up, I added to the Amazon wishlist as many goldfish tanks I could find for my students. I actually have no idea if Mikhael’s idea of painting a fish tank wallpaper is possible, but I will see is there is a kit to paint a watertank wallpaper, as he suggested me to search.

Well, this is tonight’s dream. 🙂 God love us, that will never change, and He want us to grow (well, to swim) in the freedom of the Spirit…

Today in Puerto Rico it is celebrated the day of the abolition of slavery. You may have not noticed the detail that reveals the celebration of the abolition of slavery because I haven’t mentioned it: well, the fish “bowl” where the goldfish was before being thrown to the sea was exactly like this glass bowl my progenitors put in the kitchen yesterday. The bowl is clearly not a fish bowl because fish bowls doesn’t have curves, but Mikhael used it as a “sign” and had the goldfish there before throwing it to the “bigger fish tank” (the sea, the sacramental waters of the Holy Spirit).

By the way… talking about the brothers progenitors… Yesterday I went to make me blood labs in the morning because I had them pending from Monday. That means: they knew I was going to get blood labs, so they should have cared of NOT gassing the air on Monday night, because it would be seen in my blood at yesterday morning blood sample. Well, they clearly didn’t cared. On Monday night I could barely sleep due the toxic gassing, the dogs vomited, had evacuations and also peed. I also peed. Both pees were very transparent.

These are the results of yesterday’s labs. The CO2 levels are clear: they were using CO2 in the room… but I have my reasons to believe CO2 is not the only thing they use.

For those who doesn’t know what that lab result means: when CO2 (Carbon Dioxide) levels are low, that means you had been breathing high amounts of CO2 during the last hours. They didn’t care, they knew I was going to make me blood labs and they tortured me anyways, without caring that it would be seen in the labs next morning. So, they want me to believe is CO2 what they are using, but, as I said, I have my reasons to believe CO2 is not the only toxic gas they had been using here.

I keep forgiving them, because I am no hate’s land. I refuse to answer hate with hate, violence with violence, blood with blood, abuse with abuse, slavery with more slavery. I choose to live the freedom of the Spirit, even if I remain a social slave by force. Someone has to stop the hate, and that is a very broad goal. I don’t only mean the hate here: I also mean the hate to a black brother, the hate to a inmigrant, the hate to a person who has homosexual tendencies, a poor person… someone has to forgive and stop the hate in our nation.

You know from there “No hate’s land” concept comes from? From Wonder Woman defeating the Nazis. I am not kidding. You can see the soundtrack song here. I paraphrased it, as you can see.

The fact is that anyone who choose to hate perpetuates the extreme darkness seen in times of nazism, and that has to stop. We need a new era of new fraternization, leaving all kinds of colonization (including ideological colonizations) and slaveries behind. We are brothers. We can’t allow hate roaming in our hearts, nor in our nation.

The scene where you can hear this song is very elocuent. See the movie, you will understand what I mean: there is no hate impossible to conquer, to overcome with light and Love. Here you have the scene:

We are No Hate’s Land, people of the new albor. We won’t allow hate roaming in our lands…

Now, about the book I am reading and commenting… I will complete three chapters of the book I Never Knew I Had a Choice today because I don’t have work to do (it is a holiday in Puerto Rico).

The chapers that I will complete today are

Chapter 10: Work and Recreation

Chapter 11: Loneliness and Solitude

Chapter 12: Death and Loss

Because this will be a very long post, I will complete it in parts during the day. I am going to publish this now, at around 9 am, and as I finish each chapter I will be adding them to this post

By the way, today is international day of water… just saying. 😂 I can’t bathe nor drink water in real life, but I do bathe with living water and drink living water in my dreams. Let’s care for the oceans, as Mik said, and all kinds of water.

Just to compliment what I had been sharing, I just saw a memory in my facebook of a beautiful poster I made. I still have the poster in my classroom. Victory over hate is possible. We are all called to embrace the victory of Love. There is nothing impossible to God Love-with-us.

The prhase is a quote of the short I use to start all my classes: The Butterfly Circus. You can see the short here:

Well, now let’s begin with chapter 10. Lets choose to radiate light.

Chapter 10 is about Work and Recreation. Before sharing the photos all of the pages I commented/marked, I will share a broad comment about both topics.

I remember going to Alabama to see a friend at that moment. I bought a sign that said: don’t live to work, work to live. In this house I got two extremes: a progenitor male who never had a stable work (or so I though: now we know there had been another kind of “bussinesses” around this house for a while, related to narcotraffic) and a progenitor female who was NEVER in the house avaiable for her daughters. Well, my progenitor female took the sign I bought, without asking me, and put it in her desk. That was the narcissistic abuse already manifestig in plain sight: she was mimicking me with my own objects and values of life that she never lived. She was literally never home except for eating and do chores. We never had leisure time together. I mean, never. Sometimes we would go shopping, or to movies, in very exceptional occasions, but always thinking about how much money it costed. The word “enjoy communion” here had always been absent. I didn’t learned that from them, to enjoy ourselves, to enjoy life… and to enjoy work. For my progenitor, work was a duty, not an enjoyment, although she worked in a company (Pfizer) with way greater employee benefits than average. As a matter of fact, there had been quite an obsession in my family with what you are ought to do, without any mention to what you are CALLED to become. Example: I have cousins that were not given career choices: my aunt chose their careers according to what they were OUGHT to do.

I am the only one in the family who chose humanities as career major, after quite a struggle with my progenitors who didn’t liked it. As a matter of fact, I am the only reader in the family too, and I am the only creative artist too, and this since being a very young child. Even in this, in career skills and inclinations, I had always been different to my whole family, and I have a minimum of 20 cousins per each side.

If you ask yourselfes what I have asked myself several times while growing up: yes, they do are my biological progenitors. Our blood types match (I knew that at 17) and there are pregnancy/hospital pictures of my birth. I am not a kidnapped baby.

I do believe in enjoy work and choosing a work that helps you serve and grow. I am the only one in the family who have thought so.

That being said, lets share the pictures of chapter 10 before sharing a concluding thought

Here is the concluding comment about this chapter: as I mentioned in the conclusion, work is santifying, it santifyes you as you work if you offert it to God as a living work of Love. For me, working is not only a contribution to society and a way to sustain myself and my family (my dogs) partially (I have never had a work that allowed me to fully sustain myself economically) but also a growing path to personal sanctification. If a work doesn’t help me to santification, for me it wouldn’t be a worthy work.

I also mention in the last page that I would have loved to have more resources available to choose careers. I don’t regret choosing humanities or education, I love them both, but the career I would have ended up if properly oriented about my strenghts would probably be psychology. I do remember that a problem with me when talking about these topics in school is that “I was good in many things” and had an awesome College Board score (College entrance test) so I could literally study anything non related to maths and chemistry, and that is a broad spectrum of choices. My first professional option was being a writter, but you can’t have an livable income as writer, so I wanted to combine that with giving classes at colllege level (being professor). I knew I needed a humanities degree to teach humanities writing classes and study until PhD… so I began with humanities major undergraduate studies. What I did was highly untraditional: I created my own BA in middle age studies, expecting to become a professor making a PhD in that… then I faced the fact I can’t learn latin, and you can’t be a medievalist without latin… but stuying interdisciplinary humanities have given me a broad view that I don’t regret. I would study interdisciplinary humanities again if given the choices… but with more awareness of my dilemmas with learning exceptionalities. That is somehing that students need to deal with when they choose careers: there are learning styles that are uncompatible with certain careers. Example: I can’t study medicine, I am to creative and visual for that, I am not a rote memorizer. Actually, the same happens in theology, but in theology there is another hardest obstacle: there are no woman studying theology, at least ecclesiastical… so nothing works for women there.

Despite my dilemas with both learning dissabilities and ideological issues (I studied humanities and education in a clearly lefttist faculty, me being considered “from the right”… but I am really hated by both right and left) I am very grateful of my interdisciplinary humanities degree and would recommend students to make it as a major with another “integractive discipline” like education. It gives you a unique view of the nature of the person along the disciplines and gives you valuable skills, especially in writing, artistic creativity and critical thinking. Interdisplinary humanities can be an awesome degree if you plan to study law too.

About leisure… a last comment before ending this section: I am the only person in the family that does projects, creative projects and intellectual projects like creating the theology of light, simply for leisure. As a matter of fact, none of my progenitors planned a project for their retirement. I enjoy using my leisure time for projects that help me grow as person. I don’t understand “leisure time” as time for doing nothing or for drinking and eating as much as you can, as my biological family does. Of course, they have never valued my projects schedules and time, they actually enjoy sabotaging my projects schedules and progress. Example: they hacked my computers and integrated grammar mistakes in my texts, or made the computers fail completely, even computers they themselves bought. While reading the chapter I remembered a “joke” my progenitors did: now that we are retired, we won’t have any person to supervise and administrate (my progenitor female was supervisor at Pfizer). Now I understand: their time at retirement is “administrating and supervising…” my existence as social slave. That’s one of the reasons they don’t have personal projects: administrating me and the tortures they make takes too much time. The other reason is also evident: they don’t care meaning. That is another very evident difference with me: I am the only one in the biological family who cares about meanings, to do what you mean and to live as you are meant to.

This would be the end of chapter 10. Now we go to chapter 11: Loneliness and Solitude.

Prior going to chapter 11, I want to share what happened when I went out of the room to let the doggies out and to look for food. Microwable food, I mean. I can’t have the luxury of cooking food when my progenitors are here, and they are everyday except Sundays and an ocasional Saturday.

I have created for them a “social abortion altar” where I put all the stuff they use for social psychoexplotation. I mean: the stuff they leave in spaces to force me see what they want me to see. They can be all kind of stuff, the house is full of them. There is not a single day in which they don’t leave something around. You heard it right: they ALWAYS have to leave something to exploit you socially, it is part of their cover narcissistic traits, a quite consistent one. When I worked in places where they collaborated with their explotation, the normal thing was that there would barely be objects of social exploitation in the house, because the social exploitation already happened at school/work. When I had no work, like in weekends, then the social exploitation would happen at home. Now that the work clearly doesn’t collaborate with them, its a normal job that obeys the laws, well, they do exploit me everyday at home with all kind of social exploitation objects. For them, I have to be exploited everyday, no exceptions, not even on Christmas, and especially no exceptions in my birthdays (they had hospitalized me by force on my birthday, of course) and in saint/Church feasts. Well, with a lot of good humor, I created a social abortion altar in the place they put the family pictures, there I put their social exploitation objects that are most meaningful… or fun. Is a macabre game: they know it is a social abortion altar, I have even mentioned it in social media and they have used social media to show it to a judge… and they also keep leaving stuff there.

Well, while I was out of the room I left their apple bowl in the social abortion altar, as a sign of how Mikhael transformed it and gave it a new meaning during last night dream. It is not the first time I do something like this. Here you can see the social abortion altar with the fish bowl.

What I had never noticed is that the blue envelope that is behind the statues of the Blessed Mother that they themselves have broken says my name with a heart. Sorry, can’t show the picture of the envelope, it came like this, it is something the hackers of my iPad love to do with my pictures.

The fact is that they stole one of the cards I have thrown in the trash (when they give money they give me a card, I take the money and trash the card, unread) and put it there, where they DO know it is a social abortion altar, and they even put a heart on it. They are literally and openly recognicing they are socially aborting me.

Yes, things get more hateful and macabre everyday here, but I keep choosing to be No Hate’s Land.

All right, let’s now begin with Chapter 11: Solitude and Loneliness.

As always, let’s begin with a general comment about the topic, prior sharing the pictures of the pages of the chapter I marked/commented.

As you can imagine after telling the experience of the social abortion altar, my life had been quite solitary, I had always been the different, even told I was the “rare”. This patter has repeated consistenly along my lofe: I am always the different. I am quite used to social isolation and to be solitary… but… then things get tricky: even knowing that I am completely alone where I am (and quite often I could be completely alone in a place full of physical people with which I had no meaningul connection) it is VERY RARE that I feel alone. Extremely rare. Why? Jesus and Mikhael, and the whole Holy Family of the New Albor.

Someone could say: she is always with the dogs, the dogs make her comany… I love my dogs, I truly do… and they do have accompained me through torture and very horrible situations. There was a time in which I only got out of the room once per week, to go to mass and buy 40 dollars of food for the whole week. My weight dropped to size 0 of clothing, from a size 18 I had been. But no matter how a little money I had, I always bought treats for Princess, the first dog I was given (they call her Princess to mimick how Mikhael and Jesus called me: princess of heaven). She stayed with me the whole time, with two briefs pauses to make pee and poo outside. I even designed toys for her… and I love them all, but they are no the only reason, nor the main reason, I feel accompained. The main reason it is very rare I feel alone is first Mikhael, then the sacraments, them Jesus, then the Holy Family of the New Albor. My spiritual life is my rock, socially speaking. There were times in which my only “conversation” was with the Bible, writing poems and praying. Truly, prayer can be very fulfilling and can make dissapear all kinds of loneliness and solitude, and even make you enjoy being alone and being who you are. I appreciate and even prioritize my prayer and solitude time with God. I have had every reason to feel alone, but, with very rare exceptions (yes, I do have cried due being socially alone and without no one to turn into to get out of here), I had always feel accompained by my Heavenly Family in my heart.

I wrote that comment without reading the chapter yet. Now let’s go into it. Here are the pages of chapter 11

A final comment about chapter 11. I don’t know how normal it is, but I technically don’t have “alone time”, even when I am physically alone: I am always with the Trinity, the Holy Family of the New Albor, the saints, Mikhael… but I do need “alone time” with them everyday. I literally need it to function. So, I wouldn’t technically do like Maya Angelou, taking a whole day per month to be alone: I would take a time period per day, lets say half an hour in the morning and in the afternoon, to be alone with God and my heavenly friends. Yes, I do need “alone time” with communion and prayer to be myself, to “connect” with who I am and who I am called to be. Of course, I don’t fear being alone, I enjoy it. What I do fear, sometimes, is to be independent: to not depend on no one, to live by my own, with my own money and without roomates, but that is because I have never done it. I had never been able to pay my expenses, all of them, with my own money, and to live with my own money. It is normal to fear the unknown.

Now, let’s go to chapter 12: Death and Loss.

I went out of the room again to make a pause for eat, bring the other doggie inside and for going again to the social abortion altar to take again the picture that was blurry last time. When I went outside the progenitor female was in the TV area of the first floor, right beside the kitchen. She knew I was there and didn’t spoke to me. She left the iPhone visible (that was the social exploitation object: it means they know what I do with my apple devices and hack them). I didn’t care she didn’t spoke me. I cooked the microwable burrito, took two cold drinks (a malta and a Gatorade), called the doggie that was outside, took the picture that I needed and went back to the room. No words were spoken. I forgot to mention: the “offerings” in the social abortion altar are “cult to death” (culto a la muerte), because they are social abortion, and abortion is cult to the devil, the exact opposite to the Eucharist. Well, I took picture of both the envelope and their “cult of death” besides (the apple bowl). Here is the picture:

They know I call those offerings “cult to death” and still they chose to leave thar there. Its like saying, we want you dead. It is the exact opposite the growth in communion that the Holy Family of the New Albor teaches: the family is meant to incarnate the living Eucharist.

Guess what? I needed to came back to the kitchen to take the antibiotics of Minnie (they are refrigerated). When I came back, she put a program in Tele Oro, the Catholic TV channel of Puerto Rico. It couldn’t be the mass, because at this hour they don’t have mass. It was probably the hour of Divine Mercy (I was not able to hear the words, but I knew it was Tele Oro for the style of speaking and when I confirmed it in the TV). Here you have the image of what exactly she put in the TV the second time I went to the kitchen

It is quite similar to mass, but as I said, there is no mass at this hour in that channel. It must be Divine Mercy hour, that begins at 3 pm (it is 3:26 pm right now).

What I mean is: they (my progenitors) are literally doing consciously and explictly the exact opposite of the Eucharist: they are doing cult to death, they are committing social abortion of a human being. As I said, they now how I call and understand the things thar are put at that altar. Still, they do their “offerings”. It is demonic and even worst than nazist cruelty, because they are pretending to use God Himself in their cult to death. I am very sorry to say this, but you gotta have a very meaningless life to do such a horrible thing, you gotta be extremely dead inside, spiritually and even communitarily (comunitariamente, en el contexto comunitario: la familia es la primerw comunidad) to do something like that, with such lack of empathy and living communion. God is merciful and compasive, and I will always pray for the joy and conversion of everyone, beginning me… but there are some, like my progenitors, that insist in bring death upon themselves. God Love is not a God that brings death but new life, as the reborn sea in last night dream. As a matter of fact, I am alive totally thanks to Him and belong to Him totally, He is the only family I have known. My progenitors wanted to cause me cancer and dissability with their toxic gassing (they left books of death and brain cancer, and it is known that the toxoc gassig they use causes cancer, as a matter of fact the dogs, two of them got cancer masses in their mammary glands): God made the miracle and here I am, alive and adoring Him with my whole growth.

Right now, where I am forced to be, I know I can die at any moment due toxic gassing, or I or any of the dogs can be killed, as they killed my dog Caramelo… but for me death is not an enemy, nor a cult: death is a step to everlasting life with my Beloved, with my Heavenly Husband as living Church. I don’t fear death at all. I just hope I can pray while it happens. I will forgive whoever does it and give thanks for the unworthy blessing of becoming a blood martyr (I mean, more blood than what I have already spilled).

I don’t know how to explain this [they are causing me drooling as I write this] but my progenitors and relatives/neighbours who collaborated with them are dead to me. I actually did my mourning period and everything. I don’t expect them to change, I don’t expect them to be human neither. I do pray for them, for the conversion and joy of everyone… but for me they are dead, they won’t ever be again the persons they once were in my life. I have accepted that loss since long time ago: they never were who they said they were, and they will never be who they are meant to be, that was their choice, and I can’t do anything about it, it was not my fault, they choose the path of dehumanization, and they did it conciously and deliberately. Yes, I do pray for everyone, but at the same time, I do accept choices and stopped expecting to receive what they are totally unable to give: love. They are dead inside, they even do cult to death… they choose their path of death, and I choose my path of new life. I am grateful for them for my baptism, but I have been asked by Jesus Charity to renew it as soon as I can, explaining the priest the circumstances of my baptism. It will be a very healing moment, a rebirth sea, like in last night dream.

That being said, let’s begin chapter 12: Death and Loss.

Here are the pages I marked/commented in chapter 12:

This is all about the pages of chapter 12. Of course, I will give a conclusive thought about the chapter.

I think it should have deepened more the topic of loss. The chapter is more about death than it is about loss. I have had great losses in my life, sometimes they even felt like a divorce. Of course, the grief of abusive parents is not touched, and I can understand it, it is not an usual grief, but to any child/son/daughter, letting go an abusive parent is a grief process, because I don’t know if you have noticed this: a child/son/daughter is always predisposed to think well of their parents, and finding put they are abusive, even if the evidence is in plain sight, is quite a shock, you can even invent stories to justify them. Example: I thought for many years my progenitors were the way they were due extreme poverty/emotionak deprival in their childhoods. You can go through the grieving process over and over again, jumping from one stage to another in silence, until you finally reach the acceptance stage. Of course, there were triggering things that triggered the jump from one stage to another… but the jumping has stopped since long time ago, now is there only acceptance, although because I am forced to remain in contact with them, the grieving process can’t be completed (I cand redesign my life without their presence, I am forced to remain in contact with them and to remain their social slave). I have read about these stages before, and becoming conscious of them was helpful to understand me better. I think the topic of loss should be more discussed, because even letting go a dream can be a loss process, and that can happen to a lot of people, including students. Yes, teachers should be aware of these stages too, especially when dealing with divorce among their students’ parents. Children do need to learn to deal with loss too.

This is it for chapters 10, 11 and 12 of I Never Knew I had a choice. Let’s keep choosing to be a light!