I Never Knew I Had a Choice [Chapter 5]

In last night dream, when talking about my stressors, I literally complained about my students to Mikhael. I explained him what is happening: kids are angels in other classrooms, but very unruly in mine; they WANT me to scream at them, to be “hard”, and I am not that way, but they forced me to be that way, and I felt sooooooooo bad at myself… You rule them, I told Mikhael. He laughed: sorry, wrong department. This angel, commander of heavens and earth, doesn’t deal with unruly kids, he deals with unruly demons… I said to him I actually called “little demon” one of the kiddos while I was in the bathroom, as a joke, but I did… Mikhael laughed and looked at me very expresively, and told me to ask the intercession to the kids of Fatima. It was a very real and human conversation: my students are really behaving badly and I can’t do anything about it because it only happens with me. I did the prayer and began to cry… and Mikhael consoled me with this:

-Your way of ruling is different, is not that they are unruly… and that is all right. As a matter of fact, we had been waiting since 1492 for this kind of ruling, for this new fraternization.

-So, I am unfit to be a teacher? Teacher can’t be kind and fraternizers because kids will think you don’t have authority…

[Mikhael breathed deeply and with condescendent look]

-Your authority is another kind too… and they are learning that newness too… I know you hate to hear this, but this is what it gets to help to grow: you need to be patient. You are fit to teach in fraternazing ways… in ways never seen before and that should have happened since 1492.

-So, this is how tainos should have been taught, are you meaning?

[I thought about sharing this here, but here it goes]

-No one has the right to anul [anular] other culture, to anul another human beings, being Christian and to evangelize is being a fraternizer, not a colonizer, screaming at yelling and impossing, slaving and hitting cruelly the flesh and the soul, even inducing suicide…

[We had a conversation about what is being a fraternizer while he drawed me the wings of a butterfly in the face, something quite similar to taino paintings in the rocks…]

[Mikhael smiled tendenrly]

-Don’t stop teaching your students how to be children of the light, how to be butterflies of light [many, a lot, thousands of butterflies of light flew around us…] in the freedom of the Spirit that belongs to every brother and sister. That is how it should be… That is how it should have been since 1492…

[Clarification note here: one of the quotes my students painted in the Sagrary was “We are children of the light”… but I got a reprimand from the principal of the school and the dean of discipline for letting those kids draw with chalk in front of the church, it was a very dark moment for me: I had to bring the students to the classroom, and some to the office, and while I was in the office there was a call from the “tribunal de Bayamón” (court of Bayamon) for other person, but as I heard that I remembered the horrible experience I had there, I was treated like I was no one, a zero in the left, in my own judicial case (another forced hospitalization by my progenitors) while my male progenitor, who was abusing me, got all the attention, and it was excellent attention, I wasen’t even spoken of my own case or given any paper or explained what happened… in brief words, I got flashbacks of that horrible time there. Yes, those students are children of the light, as you can see in these pictures, but what happened when I was with that group was not exactly luminous

Here are the pictures of those students:]

So… as you can see, right now I am not mostly stressed by torture, but by unruly students and by being the outsider teacher of the school. Yes, that stresses me: having in each class at least one student, if not two or three, who behave like… well, not precisely like little angels… and not being able to have a discipline system that works… but bigger things are happening, things that I don’t understand, and not understanding sometimes can be a stressor too.

Leaving the professional/apostolic aspects behind, it is true that my progenitors have learned how to causme stress on purpose during the years. The two most recent examples of causing stress on purpose was making the car fail on purpose and causing an electrical failure in the house on purpose too, saying that is was an “electrical failure in the whole Puerto Rico” when it was only happening here.

They do master the “art of causing stress” quite well… so well, I didn’t noticed it for years, because they are the kind of persons that cause the stress and then give you the help to deal with the stress they cause themselves. It is a very covert way pf causing stress. but yes, they do enjoy to cause stress, including causing the loss of passports, drivers licences and ids, and other important personal belongings, but masking it as it was me loosing them.

One of my best ways to deal with stress is… good humor. Its not only me, Mikhael too does it. Like in this morning. Let me explain.

In last night dream Mikhael annointed me with flamming Holy Spirit annointing oil… but in a different way of other times. This time he used A LOT more oil than usual. I was like… you know, you are using too much oil. He smiled with good humor and said, with a gesture of a cross that was a blessing: by the power of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit… and the holy coffee. 😂 Curiously, the painting he made earlier in my face of a taino butterfly didn’t fade off with that amount of annnointing oil. I was absolutely glowy with that amount of annointment of the Holy Spirit, to say it in brief words.

I made a funny meme about that while I was walking and praying, after praying the rosary. You can see the picture of the meme here.

Then, right after that, I needed to make more coffee because I drank it all today. If you see my coffee mug, it is a giant mug, it is very hard to drink it all, but today my progenitors left and I could drink it all. Well, my progenitors made one of their moves and at some moment of the week they drawed a cross in the raw coffee can. You can see the picture here. They are even mimicking my longer-horizontal cross

I absolutely laughed when I saw that cross, with a lot of good humor, like Mikhael and Jesus Charity have taught me. I repeated the words: by the power of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit… and the Holy Coffee 😂😂😂

By the way, do you know what causes me stress also? Costco shopping, keeping myself in budget. Today I was supossed to spend about 125 dollars, but I spent 165. They give tasty samples, that carrot cake was awesome, and also have limited supply on flowers, so you need to buy more expensive flowers because those are the availables, and they have tasty stuff that tempts you, like the Frito Lays with chicharrones and platanutres… so yes, keeping myself on budget in Costco is also a stressor. 😂 Here you can see what I spent today 🙃

Well, all that being said, lets beging with Chapter 5

“Eustress, or good stress, provides us with the necessary motivation to strive for the best. A certain amount of stress can be a challenge and can help us draw attention to our reserves in finding creative solutions to the problems of everyday living.” You know what? It is the first time I read/know this term, and I have read a lot about stress. I agree: there is some stress that is possitive. Mother’s stress is possitive, as example.

“Our body or state of mind may be telling us that something in our life needs to change.” I do agree: stress, the distress way, is something that indicates that something needs to change. I have received that signal thousands of time from my body, but I can’t change my social slavery.

“Cultures that place a high value on cooperation and collectivism produce the least stress and also have the lowest rates of cancer. In collectivist cultures, supportive relationship are the norm, the elderly are respected and given an active role, and religious faith is valued”. Well… technically my faith have saved me from cancer, quite literally. You know it better than I.

“The opposite of internal control is helplessness, or a sense that life is controlled entirely by external forces”. My progenitors are EXPERTS in projecting and causing helplessness. They actually NEED to cause it, its kind of an obsession. Whatever way they can cause helplessness, they will cause it, including the use of torture to cause physical helplessness. As a matter of fact, as I am writing this they are causing drooling.

[After reading the environmental stressors part] You can call the toxic gasses my progenitor use a way to cause environmental stress that is also at the same time psychological due its extreme cruelty.

[Funny pause here before going to the Psychological stress part: there is a very good add of Borden cheese called “estrés, estrés, estrés”. Here is the screenshoot of the add in You Tube. Someone should do that add applied to teachers… 😂]

[After reading the psychological stress part] It is clear that my progenitors and theyr narcissistic monkeys are experts causing psychological stress. Yes, they do cause frustation and conflicts. There is not one of those examples that they haven’t caused on purpose, including traffic jams. They LOVE to cause psychological stress, its kind of something that makes them feel powerful.

“In our attemot to cope with everyday living, our bodies experience what is known as the fight-or-flight response”. After extremely painful tortures my body always go into a high alert mode. It is something I can’t avoid. I get jumpy and get anxious for small things.

“From Joy’s perspective, people generally become sick for one of two reasons: either because their life is too restricted for the person they potentially could become, or because their life is too expansive and exceeds their potential”. Add a third one, because others cause you to be sick. In my case, my progenitors cause my thyroid sickness, as example… but there is another very good example of this: when smokers get others sick with their smoke. By the way, I had been mentioned sometimes that some of the things I mention as symptoms are invented (psychosomatic). From 17 years olds, when it happened for the first time, it had happened several times, including in forced hospitalizations.

“Rather than viewing difficult situations as being catastrophic, they perceive them as an opportunity for growing and learning”. I am very good at that, in my very humble opinion…

“Hardiness is a buffer against distress and illness in coping with the stresses associated with change”. Well, that is a problem with me. I never become “hard”, nit even as a teacher. I don’t scream, impose, employ brute force… its simply not me.

Thought while reading ways to manage stress: defensiveness doesn’t work. Drugs and alcohols neither. When I have a burnout as a result of continual stress, what usually works is temporary distractions to help my body/mind to deal with the pain/tension meanwhile I give it meaning and transform it into radiation of new life. Example: walk, use of music, small painting. Yes, there are sometimes I can’t even think, and when I can’t think, I create.

“Your thoughts and what you tell yourself can contribute to your experience of stress”. You mean eustress. My thoughts are my refuge, not my source of distress.

“Too many of us take ourselves far too seriously and have a difficult time learning how to ejoy ourselves”. Not me, people, not me.

“Humor can be a powerful antidote to physical illness and stress”. I agree, as you can see in all what I have written before this.

“You can transform stress into strenght by taking steps to creatively cope with your stress”. Exactly, I got this [as I write that, my progenitor male enters into the house speaking loudly, very loudly, in speaker in his cellphone. I simply increase the volume of the music to not hear nothing]

“Make the time each day to do something that you enjoy”. That is something I am being told in prayer constantly: enjoy being together, because we will always be together. And of course, when you enjoy being with God and follow him everyday, you enjoy what you do and who you are… but I am asked quite often to do things that I enjoy, or joy breaks, simply for the sake of enjoy. It is like penance, but backwards: instead of doing something for suffering for the sake of God, you do things to enjoy for the sake of God. Its like going shopping: there always must be something to enjoy when I shop (big shoppings), it can’t be only needs.

“Time management”: as an official member of the olimpic team of procastinators, yes, I have had a hard time learning to time manage myself in a healthy way… but I have discovered that the worst root of my time management problems is the lack of good routines, either due lack of memory (due adhd) or because my progenitors destroy my routines creating changes on purpose, sometimes to the chaos extreme (yes, they love to destroy my routines, even spatial routines, changing things from where I place them). Other aspect of my time management problem is being unrealistic in what I propose to myself. Example: I wanted to finish this book for tomorrow, but the fact is that reading one chapter per day is the healthy way to read this book. Another very good example of my unrealistic time management goals is wanting to learn more than one third language at the same time. It is simply not possible for me, learning a new language takes a long time by itself, and even more time for me who has grammar fobias (my main problem with latin was not understanding grammar functions properly, for whatever reason).

Generally talking, what works best for me in time management is color coding chunks of time. I do this mentally, I don’t need an agenda. I have red time (working time, time of transportation, compromised time), yellow time (bringht time, time to enjoy) and blue time (rest time). Green colors are life stuff (getting a bath, clean, cook, so on). Thats it. I simply divide the time in chunks with colors. The are a few yellow color splashes (joy breaks) or blue splashes during a day full of red, of course, not everything is squared (cuadriculado). In brief words: I need to connect time to colors to function properly with time managent. Me and numbers don’t mix well in pure version, so colors are applied. 🙂

Money managent: there is simply no way I can manage my money properly, because it is never enough. I am always in jobs that have very low pay and I am always needing to ask money to my progenitors, so I depend 100% financially on them. If they don’t give me money, car, housing, I can’t survive… and they know well how to play with that.

Meditation: if you call meditation “prayer”, well, it is my main way to live, not only a way to deal with stress… but when I do have distress, my first way to deal with it is talking with Jesus Charity, pr my guardian angel, count on that.

“Meditation is a tool…” No, prayer for me is not a tool, is a way of life.

“One answer to our fragmented existence is to practice mindfulness…” You know, in the workshops I took at several hospitals in my forced hospitalizations that word was used a lot, and can be easily manipulated to mask real issues with “lack of mindfulness”. No, is not “lack of mindfulness”, its called abuse, psychological abuse and torture, you mental health jerk.

“Meditation is effective in creating a deep state of relaxation in a fairly short time”. It is true that I do have lower heart beats when I rest in Jesus Charity’s chest, heart to Heart.

“The idea of mindfulness is that we experience each moment fully”. It is curious. All that had been done around me have had the express purpose (propósito expreso) of distracting me from the present, whose reality was torture, cruelty and pain. That had been my present for these long time of social slavery. It is known, but instead of stopping it and creating a present full of dignity, you choose to false project futures that I can’t even imagine due torture and not being sure of survive toxic gassing and the consequences of torture and cruelty. So, are you acting against psychology on purpose, denying me not only truth and rule of law, but also present? Holy cow! 🐮 You know what I mean 🙃 I remember a very nasty excercise of “mindfulness” I was taught at RCM department of psychiatry: using the five senses (two things I smell, five things I see, four I hear, something like that)… well, that doesn’t work when the senses and your body are used to TORTURE you, and you are part of the torture, by the way (RCM was the biggest psychiatry department who was complicit with my progenitors forced hospitalization moves).

“Breathing is an effective way to control unhappiness, agitation, fear, anxiety and anger”. This is true… but you can simply ENJOY your breathing too. This is very easy: put yourself two silicone ear plugs, and you will hear your breathing non-stop.

“Like meditatioj and mindfulness, yoga is a way of life”. Nope, thats a mistake. Yoga is a body technique that can work for some. For me as a catholic I don’t practice nor allow the practice of yoga in my classroom precisely because some see it as a “way of life”. Jesus, comunicating with Him in prayer, is a way of life, not yoga, nor any other body/mind technique.

“Massage is a well known way to enhance health”. Even Jesus Charity agrees with that, the flamming Holy Spirit oil can be used as massage oil, but… you know, modesty in massage places can be something very scarce, so I don’t go to spas. I do know something: massage should be prescribed in psychiatrical hospitalizations. Its more helpful than yoga and chakras and whatever is named what I did as “relaxation excercise”, that being said with all due respect to the people who gave those therapies. Psychiatrical hospitals should provide therapeutic massage to their patients. You don’t need to undress a patient to provide therapeutic massage. Jesus have done it with wood massagers.

“How are you coping with stress?” I really have no way to propose myself specific ways to cope with stress because as soon they detect I have a specific way to cope with stress they will sabotage it.

“Am I spending my time the way I want to?” In the sense that I am spending my time loving God in everything I do, I am spending the time as I want to, but not the way I want to: I have told ten thousands of times I don’t want to remain a social slave, I want the truth be told and rule of law being applied, and I had been ignored all those times. Millions of times, probably, through this last decade.

“Am I accomplishing what I have set out to do each day? Is it what I wanted to do?” My biggest accomplishment is giving light to Jesus Charity everyday… but I think I am way delayed in milestones that should have been reached long ago by a person of my age: independent living, having a family, having a stable job with a decent income, own my health and my body, learning to using make up and to care of myself

“Am I feeling rushed?” For what?

“Am I spending too much time watching television?” I can’t see TV, I am not allowed.

“Am I balancing activities that I need to do with the ones I enjoy?” As I explained before, I have “enjoy penances” if you wanna call them that way, but in a consistent basis I also try to do what I need to do in a way I enjoy it. Example: bathing with a soap I really enjoy. Got it?

“How would I like to use time differently than I did last week?” This really applies to many last weeks: I would love to actually being able to teach instead of spending almost allof my teaching class time in disciplinary issues.

“How well am I currently manage time?” Well, I don’t truly own my time, so I can’t answer this. At any moment my progenitors can do something to destroy my schedule and steal my time, like they do love to do.

“List three to five things you can do to feel better when you are experiencing stress”. I really can’t have “stable things” to do when I am in stress because if they know it, they will destroy it… but I do know what works best when I am severely stressed: a good warm water bath, with the whole body inmersed in the bathtub. I don’t have bathtub now (as I said, if they know something helps me to relax consistently, they will destroy it)… really, if I am mad, stressed, anxious, angry, whatever high intensity emotion is… warm water calms me down and helps me to soothe. It also works with torture effects (if my body is in high-intensity state due severe torture).

“Identify some environmental sources of stress or other stresses that are externa, to you”. Nope. If they know what causes me more stress, more than what they already know, they will use it as a weapon. They will do/cause precisely that. Nope, I won’t answer this question.

“How stress affect your body?” You know, I have asked myself this. I have no idea of knowing this because I am forced to endure torture everyday, since a decade ago, since my lifetime ago. I have truly asked myself: how would my body change if my life could be different? I don’t mean plastic surgery: I mean my body functions. Would my heart rate be the same? Would my walking pace be the same? Would my thought processing speed be the same? Would my physical condition be the same? Would my menstrual cycle be the same? I don’t know. For at least the last decade, I had been exposed to torture and extremely high and even lethal distress, non-stop. I don’t know how my body behaves without distress. I don’t know how my body behaves “normally” because torture, cruelty and abuse are my normality and it had been severerly high in intensity during the whole last 12 to 15 years.

I won’t talk about coping systems beyond I have talked about it for the very same reasons I don’t talk about what causes me stress.

This is the end of chapter 5. I am truly enjoying this book. When I mentioned that I wanted to be prescribed a book and not medications, this is the kind of book I meant to be “prescribed”. It is an awesome book to process your personal growth pace and development upon what is happening around me and inside me.

Talking about stressors, adds are also a stressor to me. See this add… everyone has known the abuse committed by doctors who collaborated with my progenitor’s abuse, but no one stopped them. No one. This is an example of why adds are a stressor in my life: instead of acting according to rule of law, a false reality is projected. The false reality projected here is that action will be taken, and that had been a lie since forced hospitalization number one, about ten years ago. I had been denouncing actively how medicine and paychiatry in particular had been used to collaborate with the abuse of my progenitors since years ago.

So, here you have the scales of this chapter

Let’s keep choosing to be a light!

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